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10th birthday

October 27, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, child loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, jennifers birthday, latest postafter child loss, bereaved parent, birthday after child loss, birthday of dead child, child loss holidays, childhood cancer, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, helping a bereaved family, helping a family after child loss, remembering dead child10 Comments

10. she should be 10. Double digits. what a big deal. Except she isn’t here.. This is the time of year when I can really remember her.. When I have moments.. days even I can remember so vividly.. Hauntingly vividly.. When she was sick.. when she was dying.. But not her 6th birthday.. There are so many holes in that day.. So I ask about it. I ask to hear the same stories .. Where were you? Who told you? What did you think? .. I guess thats really all I ever want.. To hear your stories. . over and over again. . She should be 10.. but she is forever 6. .. And all we have is stories and memories.. My brain stumbles often.. So if you have 1 or 50 stories of her.. If they take you an hour or a minute to tell.. please . .. please[…]

reality bites

October 25, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, jennifers birthday10th birthday, birthday after child loss, birthday of dead child, birthday with a child in heaven, celebrating birthdays after death, child loss, glitter gala, helping a bereaved family, supporting a family after child loss, surviving after death of child, surviving child loss3 Comments

I had this false perspective of reality.. I thought it was a simple thing.. As it turns out it is anything but.. We can’t change our reality .. but we certainly can deny it. This still feels unreal.. Like it can’t really have happened.. My daughter can’t have died.. I think I am learning .. that it’s not so much that we get stronger in child loss or that the pain dulls but that we simply get better at denying it.. As horrible as it is to admit I think that’s how we learn to survive. . We are able to convince ourselves it wasn’t real.. that our child wasn’t really here.. So they can’t possibly really be gone. so when it hits.. it is sharp and it is biting. It can completely steal my breath and knock me out at my knees.. crippling. Right now I am hurting.. I[…]

his summer – my fall

October 1, 2017October 2, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, latest postcouples dealing differently, couples grieving differently, dad grief, happiness after child loss, life after child loss, life after death of child, marriage after child loss, marriage and child loss, mom grief, surviving after death of child5 Comments

I think maybe I am starting to find my groove. Find my way in this new life of mine.. Figuring out a way to carry myself through the difficult times. My body .. my heart know what is coming and I think I am unintentionally filling my tank.. and my reserves .. Because I find myself starting to brace against the time that I know is coming. ..In my horizon is her birthday.. The day we finally became parents.. the day we learned we would without a doubt lose the child that gifted us that title. A deep internal gritting and grinding.. A fear and a slow burn starting to churn away.. Because ready or not its coming.. but because of those shadows looming in the distance I also see the light. .. The literal light .. sunlight coming through the trees. I am aware of the warmth of the[…]

glittery birthday girl

September 21, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, jennifers birthday, latest post10th birthday, celebrating birthdays after death, child loss birthday, fear, glitter gala, how to celebrate a child in heaven, Jennifers birthday4 Comments

I was never a fancy birthday mom.. Never did party favors or pinterest themed decorations. .. So its only natural that I agreed to having Unravel throw an entire gala on what should be her 10th birthday!! A party in her honor to rage against the beast that ripped her unwillingly and with a slow precision from our arms. So I might as well admit it.. I am scared.. That date. October 28th. It’s held such power over me for almost 10 years. .. the date I became a mom.. The date I looked forward to for 6 years.. To celebrate the little girl that changed everything.. husband and wife.. turned forever.. mommy and daddy. . In one moment.. in one breath she did that.. And 6 years after those first exhilarating moments .. years of promise were stolen in a string of words and letters.. Cancer.. DIPG.. There is[…]

It is warmth. It is joy. It is full.

September 13, 2017September 13, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, childhood cancer, grieving after 3 years, growing up in grief, heaven, sibling loss5 year old sibling loss, anger over sibling loss, bereaved sibling, cancer sibling, child loss, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, grief for a 2 year old, grief for a 4 year old, grief for a 5 year old, grief for a 6 year old, how to help after child loss, oldest surviving child, relationship after sibling loss, relationship with dead child14 Comments

I’ve always known .. well I guess not always since I never in my wildest fears imagined this being our life.. But since she was put on hospice care I knew our kids would each take their own paths on their grief journeys. I remember them teaching us how our kids would each re-live the loss of their sister as they hit new cognitive and emotional milestones.. So I’ve know it.. It should be no surprise .. but it always is. I share all of this now for them.. An addendum to my letter to them.. (shared here) for them to know what I know. We were recently talking about the girl I believe to our Jennifer’s best friend. How it was 11 years since her family said their final goodbye to her. We talked about what we could do to support Brecken’s family. It brought to the surface each[…]

six

August 29, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, growing up in grief, latest post6th birthday, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, birthday party, celebrating birthdays after death, childhood cancer, coping with guilt over child loss, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, forever 6, guilt after child death, mommy guilt, nicholas birthday, nicholas grief, sibling loss, surviving child loss8 Comments

Six. Never has a number had such power over me. Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven. Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6. how? How is that even possible. Her bubbas.. I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. . But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear. please help me keep him safe.. I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies[…]

What’s it like- living with child loss

June 18, 2017June 30, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerburying a child, child loss, latest post, Our Story3 years after losing a child, bereaved parent, celebrations after child loss, changed mommy, child death, child loss, child loss and fathers day, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, healing after child loss, hope after child loss, how to support a friend after child loss, survivng after death of child11 Comments

Whats it like? What’s it like to be you? I see it. I think that is probably the number 1 question I see burning behind people’s eyes that is never asked. Though it’s hinted to… in the escape of words like I can’t imagine. .. So I’ll tell you.. It’s showing up to drop my son off late at school.. walking him into the cafeteria to get one last hug as he drops off his lunch box. Something is going on.. lots of kids and fun. Its seeing a mom who asks if I am ready for the craziness.. It’s asking what and hearing that its the 3rd grade arcade day. Its the wonder for just a moment.. until you can feel the ground move beneath you.. She should be in there.. And the gym that was moments ago just 15 feet away somehow becomes miles away.. at the end[…]

the power of a memory

May 9, 2017May 9, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, childhood cancer, DIPGconnection to a child in heaven, connection to people in heaven, easter, parenting after child loss, parenting through grief, relationship after sibling loss, relationship with dead child, signs from heaven8 Comments

My mind often struggles to catch up with my reality. Most of the time Im not even aware of it. My daughter was here. Jennifer lived. And Jennifer died. Forever 6. The other day the kids played a joke on me. They all got in the car to go somewhere like they do everyday but when I walked over to buckle Bridgette in Jonathan was in her seat … the car erupted in giggles as I jumped back in confusion and surprise. I was laughing as I started to say Jennifer did that when she was your age.. It was like somebody ran across my stomach with a blade. The pain. Sharp. Immediate and shocking. He is 7. She is 6. Little brother older than big sister. Luckily I didn’t get the sentence out of my mouth and they were all too busy being proud of themselves to hear me.[…]

the gift of motherhood.

May 1, 2017May 1, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchildhood cancer, DIPG, embryo dontation, for them because of her, grieving after 3 years, latest postadoption, connection to a child in heaven, connection to dead child, embabies, embryo donation, family building, frozen embryos, infertility, motherhood, signs from heaven, texas10 Comments

About 2 years ago I shared a piece of our life unconnected to childhood cancer. What I realized might have been the purest for them because of her.. Certainly the first. We placed 4 embryos for adoption (huh? Read here). These embryos turned children live in Texas, and when we found out we were having a MNO event there my first text was to their parents to see if they wanted to meet. They did. Mostly I was excited. Just to meet all of them. See them, Liz and Kevin and the kids, Sammy and Ethan. To just know what it was like to meet these genetic children .. my kids biological siblings that aren’t mine. Of course I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous too.. I was going into it not having a motherly pull towards these kids.. but what if that changed?? It didn’t. It actually[…]

a well earned week

April 24, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerlatest post, unravel eventsLeave a comment

I feel like there is a day for everything. From the fun.. like National Garlic day ( April 19th) and National watermelon day (August 3rd) to the serious National Pediatric Hematology/Oncology Nurses Day and National Organ Donors Day (Feb 14th). There seems to be a day dedicated to most things.. But some deserve more than a day.. Its National Volunteer week.. And one thing I know for sure.. people who give of themselves. .. they deserve the thanks. I honestly didn’t even know this was a thing when I wrote my last post.. That I think explains why our volunteers are so important to me personally. But it goes beyond my own personal need for Unravel. It goes towards the researchers and the money YOU all have raised. I have seen so many people and especially families that have dedicated and donated so much of their time to Unravel.. with one[…]