Mothers day eve.. I am hiding away in another room… so lucky to be listening to my 4 youngest loves working with their Daddy to make me gifts

I am so grateful.. In a way and to a depth that I cannot explain. But there is also this pounding in my head.. A pressure building.. and I realize I am instinctively perhaps even desperately .. listening for her voice ..

6 years baby girl 

I thought I adjusted..

Jennifer has been gone.. my God these words hurt.. Jennifer has been gone from my arms longer than I had her in them.

So I should be used to it.. I shouldn’t be surprised..

But it has surprised me.. and continued to ..

The other night Nicholas came running out.. on the edge of frantic. Jonathan lost the sound box for his Jennifer bear. . a gift of DIPG was the terminal diagnosis. We knew.. so we did things.. we captured her in ways other families don’t get the time to do.. One gift of that time was her making Build a Bear for all of us with her little voice leaving each of us our own message.

I went back.. Jonathan was.. . I dont know how to describe it.. he had the look of a trapped animal.. Like he was genuinely terrified.. pacing the same spot over and over again..

If Im being honest I was too.. What would I do if we couldn’t find it?

We looked for a few minutes.. I wasn’t even sure where to start..We had just done the sheets what if I washed it?

We talked as we searched.. and the boys said they had just been listening to them the night before.. I breathed that information in.. Nicholas whispered we’ve been listening every night mom..

…..we’ve been listening every night mom..

and that sentence has reverberated through me since..

I always miss her.. some days its more than others.. but its also become my new normal.. Ive adjusted to life of 4 living and 1 in heaven. ..

im sorry

i know you are ok with it

but it still feels like a betrayal to admit that

But then this new normal of mine was flipped… We weren’t able to leave the house.. It was only us. No distractions..

and I have missed her again in a new way.. Her absence became loud and glaring again.. It became a physical yearning again..

i thought it was only me

but i was wrong..

we miss you Jennifer lynn

The absence of one missing has been loud again.. but Ive tried hard to keep that to myself.. Perhaps other moms like me get it.. but its been so hard to make sense of it.. even to myself..

i thought it was only me

but i was wrong..

we miss you Jennifer lynn

I missed it .. damnit.. Pretty selfish of me not to figure out that if I missed her more right now.. they might also.. damnit. .

My heart beats twice..

once so full of love and adoration.. of pure gratitude for these 4 sets of eyes looking up at me.. And then it beats again for her.. for the beautiful brown eyes that complete us..

that complete us all..

the one missing..

i thought it was only me

but i was wrong..

we miss you Jennifer lynn

thank you for making me a mommy..

thank you for leading me to them..

…until there is a cure..