Tomorrow is our daughters birthday.. A teenager. WOW.
What an exciting bittersweet moment for all Moms I think .. I remember when she was born. That first moment she was placed in my arms my whole world changed.. My heart opened up in a way I never knew possible.. And a fear along with that joy settled in as well.. Because we love so deeply as a mother it’s absolutely terrifying..
I loved her.. We loved her with our everything from that first moment..
Terrifyingly dizzy love. That still overwhelms me to this day..
When I am brave enough to allow myself to feel it..
Because it’s hard.. It’s lonely as hell.. To be mom to a teenager.. With no idea what it’s like to actually get to parent one.. So I have avoided it as much as I could not allowing myself to feel..
God am I really going to admit this..
Im sorry baby.. Im sorry.. and I am ashamed..
You deserve better.. And more..
So I have avoided .. hell I’ve absolutely not allowed myself to feel anything for her at all.
And now I am so overwhelmed with it.. Every aspect of it.. The depths of all my emotions crushing in at one time.
Guilt for running..
A physical ache and longing for her.. I can feel it.. The need to reach out and grab her ..
But I cant..
So I am angry. I fill with a heat that makes my muscles tense and strain with the effort to just keep the rage in..
And then a sadness .. with such dark depth Im not sure Im brave enough to feel it..
But I don’t think I have a choice anymore..
I’ve been walking around for weeks.. just feeling like my skin was a thin veil keeping the avalanche of emotions in.. Constantly having that burn rise in my eyes and shaking it down.
Hating myself for being so damned fake.
Why am I like this now. I was so comfortable.. So able to dive into the pain at first.. But now I just can’t.. Or rather I won’t. I don’t. So it builds..
Now I weep. Simple and pure. I weep for my daughter.. For who she was.. For who she would be..
Her little voice. And her hands.. All of her features were so delicate.. She had these long thin fingers.. I remember always worrying I would crush her little hand..
What would they feel like now?
Oh buggers I am so sorry.. I do miss you.. So much.. Please know that.
What a stupid gift conversation is. To be able to say sorry to someone and know they hear you.. To hear them say back I forgive you.. I want to believe that she hears me.. That she forgives me.. And part of me does..
But she is my baby.. And I just want to know..
We all miss you sissy miss. Did you hear your brother singing Brave this morning when he thought nobody could hear?
yes baby girl like this.. just like this for him..
Damnit Jennifer Lynn answer me..
She was a stubborn one.. My imperfectly perfect little girl. .. She loved to have her headband in the middle of her forehead.. And had the Elsa esc spin away in anger perfected before any of us knew who Elsa was.. but she always looked back over her shoulder.. so I could see that twinkle in her eye..
That spark of life.
Her life. Because she was here. She lived and she was mine. And I miss her. And I am just really sad she isn’t here anymore.. Because that spark of life in her was incredible.
oh baby girl..
just know this..
Know this one thing
Just know that one thing for Mama please
…until theres a cure..