This weekend we had our first… and oh how I hope, our last virtual gala.. We were able to raise over half a million dollars!!!!!

I am so grateful. I am so humbled ..

and I am so angry.

Is it even ok to say that?

I am grateful..

She loved when we changed the words of songs to include her. . 

Especially once we knew she had cancer. Maybe she knew .. Maybe she was scared to be forgotten too.. She loved seeing the Love4JLK car magnets as we drove.. She let me have this blog.. This written outlet for me.. And maybe a way to share her.. To make sure she wasn’t forgotten ..

did you know? did you always know before i did?

And I am grateful that these 4 children I am lucky enough to see every day got to see our foundation in a whole new light.. in a whole new way.. Its a part of their everyday life.. but they are still removed from the whole process.. 2020 gave us all the gift of them being a part of the event but with no pressure to be “on”

Grateful too .. for the Unravel team and local companies that brought the gala to us.

I am humbled..

Because people do remember our Jennifer Lynn.. Because people care about me. My husband and our 4 surviving kids.. This thing of ours dreamed up through tears around our kitchen table has grown.. its a living breathing thing now.. I cannot begin to explain how humbling that is.

It’s humbling that people showed up.. in a big way. A freaking massive way in the middle of a pandemic .. in the midst of so much uncertainty, people showed up. And I know its not just for us.. but for so many kids and families in the middle of their battles.. and especially for those that don’t even know they are about to start their battle..

It moves me to my core that people choose to simply help instead of turning away.

And I am angry.

Unravel is truly is a living thing now .. and it hit me the night of the gala…

..its outlived her.

I have gotten so many messages and support of people being proud of us.. Wanting us to try to absorb the night.. the enormity of what we are doing in the battle against childhood cancer.. So I did.. I did my best to breathe it in..

But then I had to exhale.. and it made me angry.

sidebar: I know you must feel like you have no idea what you can or cannot say to us.. (and you can’t.. hell I don’t know what to say to other parents like me!!) So I hesitated on publishing this.. But PLEASE trust my words. This is my issue. . THANK YOU for sharing your pride with me.. Once I unleash the anger .. the bitter .. the pain.. I will be able to embrace it more.. So this is me doing that .. and reaching out to families like me to let them know they aren’t alone if they have the same struggles.

I breathed it in.. But then I had to exhale.. and it made me angry.

Because she isn’t here. Because I would trade it all in for her. Every single one of you. Every single cent. I would trade it all in less than a heartbeat for Jennifer.

Is it even ok to say that?

And none of it. None if it helps her. ..

i miss you. i want you here. i am sorry

I know it helps her siblings.. my final promises to her .. the only reason I think she let go is becasue I promised her I would take care of them and never give up.

I wont. I dont. ..

sometimes i want to

I know Unravel is the very embodiment of that promise. I know I know I know. But see.. I want to be able to take care of her too.

So I want to scream.. scream with every cell of my body. That none of it matters .. Because my buggers.. their sissy miss is already gone. . I want to smash and rage..

I am proud. I really am.. But it’s hard .. and I guess I just wanted to say that. Its hard to be proud of my ultimate failure in this life. (please please please let it be my only one) I didn’t protect her. My daughter.. the one who made me a Mom.. she suffered and she died.

It is with Unravel as it is with almost everything impactful in my life now.. a two-sided coin. .. beauty that reveals the pain.. and pain that reveals the beauty.

and I realize..

i can feel you smiling.. i get it baby i get it..

Though Unravel has outlived her.. she is the heartbeat of it ..

And through this foundation she lives.. through every cent .. through every breakthrough.. through everything we do..

and twirling.. i think i can feel you twirling right now.

Jennifer Lynn Kranz forever six. she lives on.. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

i am proud.

to be your mama..

and i am proud.

because

i know you are proud. ..

…until there is a cure..