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rip current

rip cur·rent noun noun: rip current; plural noun: rip currents a relatively strong, narrow current flowing outward from the beach through the surf zone and presenting a hazard to swimmers. Its October.. the start of my once favorite time of year.. I love colder weather.. Our wedding anniversary.. It marks the start of the coming holidays seasons.. and its the month that I first became a Mama.. I loved this month and everything it represented. I don’t anymore.. and that fills me with immense guilt. Because I have an incredible husband.. Because I still have 4 incredible children to watch enjoy that magic that is this time of year.. and I am still a Mama of 5.. I feel like I should be getting to the point of just appreciating the time I was so lucky to have her.. Of all the wonderful memories I have with her.. But I’m not.. I[…]

kick.kick.breathe.

You ever been in the water.. and you start to get tired and your stroke gets slower and you sink a little deeper .. or like when you are in the current and you stop fighting it and let it pull you … That’s what grief is like I think.. Sometimes its too strong and you simply are unable to resist its pull on you.. Especially in the beginning.. because really you are only just learning to swim. But then you learn.. you have to right? So then you feel it happening and you kick against it.. Just a few strong kicks will bring you back to the surface and you can gulp in air. It happened to me today. pull. kick. kick. breathe .. but first I’ll rewind.. Two days ago I took my 4 younger kids with me to go see their sister. .. the living .. growing..[…]

atta girl Jennifer..

This blog all pertains to this interview we recently had .. please watch if you haven’t. 4 years too late for her. There is more weight to those words than any others in the entire interview for me.. Because I am human.. because I am her mom. and its all 4 years too late for her. .. 4 years too late. That’s because I am her mom.. and I struggle to not see things through those lens. But if I step back. And I remember my little girl I know also. she will wait forever she will fight forever.. Because that’s who she was.. and by donating her tumor.. By raising money to fight DIPG.. we are still letting that be who she IS. She did not lose her battle.. because she is still fighting. I often get caught up in a vicious spiral.. wondering who she would be. What[…]

Mrs Barbara Bush

  Did you know the former first lady lost her little girl? When she passed away.. (ok the day before I was the dodo that saw the one erroneous posting and shared it!) .. I was overcome with emotion. So happy for her. In such awe and also such fear. Awe for the impactful life she was able to lead after losing her daughter. For being the wife of a president and then raising one. If she could do that I can do this.. And for being brave enough to share about her daughter in the days when that was taboo.. and fear.. She lived so long. So long in such heartache. Its only been 4 years .. but its tiring.. Its a grind. The always present undercurrent of missing Jennifer.. Its seems impossibly daunting to keep this up for another 60 years.. And then the immense guilt over that..[…]

with the patience of eternity

I know I need to write.. But Im scared to. But then again Im scared not to. I find myself aching for her.. I find myself wanting to hide and just be with my kids.. (and husband) shutting out the rest of the world. I am strong. I am the second strongest person I know. I am broken. I am the most broken person I know. I am crying constantly it seems.. just a tear.. maybe two.. Then it dries up. My pain burrows deep and hides itself away.. I freeze. I sat down now to work on our speeches for upcoming Night on the Town in Sacramento.. I started to pull up pictures for Tonys presentation.. and I felt that familiar buzz… a weight on my chest.. forcing all the air out of my body. an invisible noose tightening quickly around my throat. ..  I exhale.. and its gone.[…]

the pendulum swings..

4 years. When you become a parent time becomes so flexible.. You can look at your 4 year old and feel like they are still so little.. yet be completely unable to remember life without them.. My guess is that never changes?? I think that maybe even my Mom looks at me like that.. However, I do know my grief is just like that.. I cannot believe its been 4 years.. the pain is still so raw and so fresh.. especially right now that I find myself wondering if I can really survive this for the rest of my life.. and.. I cannot believe its only been 4 years. I forget what it was like to parent a healthy.. living, breathing Jennifer. I hate that. I hate not only that its my truth but I hate giving that part of my pain life..  That part that feels like I can’t[…]

find me again..

Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one.. And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them.. I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go. The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen. The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not[…]

muscle memory

They call it muscle memory.. mus·cle mem·o·ry noun 1. the ability to reproduce a particular movement without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement. Yup. Both boys are struggling. Jonathan started first. His teacher came out and spoke to me after school.. He was getting in trouble at home.. Nothing major just acting out. .. and needy. Nothing seems to be enough for him. My first thought was Jennifer.. Because I knew the time was coming. .. But I do not ever want to force grief upon them.. or excuse poor behavior because their sister died. So we looked.. we tried to find other reasons.. and actually thought we had.. ..but the behavior continued. Then Nicholas’ teacher asked to speak with me.. Worried about him. He was pulling inward.. not acting like himself.. oh sweet boy Still. I didn’t want to immediately think it was[…]

dug in and dig out

dig in.. and you will dig out.. I have dug in.. enough to somehow both give me a head ache and release me from the one that has been lingering for weeks. Jennifer loved chocolate cake.. and a ton of icing. She had celiacs disease and ate gluten free.. in a time before most people knew what that was.. I pre-made cupcakes for her and froze them so they were ready for any party. Icing on the other hand could be trickier.. We found a solution though.. We would melt a ton of chocolate chips and pour it on the cupcake and let it harden into a massive chunk of chocolate on the top. And she loved that.. She loved having a giant piece of chocolate to gnaw on and get all over her face.. I don’t know what it looks like where she is.. I don’t even know what[…]

10th birthday

10. she should be 10. Double digits. what a big deal. Except she isn’t here.. This is the time of year when I can really remember her.. When I have moments.. days even I can remember so vividly.. Hauntingly vividly.. When she was sick.. when she was dying.. But not her 6th birthday.. There are so many holes in that day.. So I ask about it. I ask to hear the same stories .. Where were you? Who told you? What did you think? .. I guess thats really all I ever want.. To hear your stories. . over and over again. . She should be 10.. but she is forever 6. .. And all we have is stories and memories.. My brain stumbles often.. So if you have 1 or 50 stories of her.. If they take you an hour or a minute to tell.. please . .. please[…]