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I am

I am out of control. Watching Jennifer struggle. Witnessing her slow and painful death.. I learned I have no control… And now.. I constantly feel like I am being battered by wave after wave of emotions. I wish I could control my mind better… I wish I could control the triggers.. know when they are coming. ..But mostly I wish I could contain them better like I used to.. It seems like its getting worse now in that aspect. That when I used to carve out time daily to write I could control the anguish better and keep it locked up until I was ready to take it out and examine it behind this keyboard.. But it seems along with the growth I have talked about recently is this new thing. .. my loss of control over the triggers.. And the way I am reacting to them. I have found[…]

this christmas

We made it through the holidays.. It wasn’t pretty a lot of the time.. But really thats not my goal anymore. Its just to make it through. To celebrate the joys.. and be ok with the sads. To say good riddance to the passing of a year without her and try to not dread the start of year another year without her.. Christmas was just a crap day. One where everything seemed to just go wrong. … From toys breaking.. to meals not cooking right.. Tony even had to go into work. The culmination of the day was the kicker..  I turned the corner from our kitchen to the hallway to be greeted by water. Charlotte had stuffed too much toilet paper and for 20 mins it kept flushing.. But maybe that was a good thing.. Because we all banded together to clean it up.. and keep little hands from[…]

lessons from above

It’s always amazing to me.. how things seem to happen. I desperately want to meet her again in my dreams.. so much so that I think I miss the ways I can see her in my day to day.. Especially right now. I just miss her so much that everything hurts. And to exist.. especially around other people takes a lot of work. So I avoid it. But I worry it will push everyone away. .. So then I move through it and go to social occasions… I find my humor becomes very dry.. And I worry .. will I push everyone away? So really the fear is that my struggles will leave my whole family alone. And its overwhelming. I am overwhelmed. Today was a wake up and cry in the shower kinda day.. Covering my mouth trying to stifle the sobs that are racking my body.. hoping the[…]

live again

I set up a get together with other local bereaved moms.. It was a great experience for me and I hope for them also. I was there with a table full of woman who all wish we didn’t have a seat.. We came to the table for different reasons.. sons and daughters.. cancer and accidents and a multitude of other medical causes .. we all took our seats at this table at different times. I took my seat more recently than some.. but earlier than others. So I feel like I had a unique view.. one of what the future may hold.. and one of what my past did. And I realized I have been … well there really is no word for it.. Just like there is no word for a parent that has lost a child I think there is no word for a parent that is ..[…]

giving tuesday

Our country has been in such turmoil since the recent elections. Emotions are running high and strong. . Marching in the street to protest or to celebrate. Liberal or Conservative, Clinton or Trump.. The overarching thing I see is that people care. People are invested and they are hopeful. People are scared, they are worried for themselves and their communities.. I get it. In a different kind of way. I get it. I think thats kinda my life all the time now too.. I have moments of great hope. When I see success when I see change is coming and happening. I have moments of great fear. Worried for childhood cancer to take up residence in my home again.. Fear that all this effort will never make a difference. Heartbroken over the everyday loss of life. 100 – 140. That’s how many parents have kissed their child for the last time[…]

a mothers love..

Thanksgiving. A day meant to be full of gratitude and food and family.. But see its that last part  that really ruins all the rest of it.. Because my family is incomplete. There is a empty seat at the table..   I guess I imagined by year 3 I would be grown a thicker skin against it.. An emotional callus. But I haven’t. And somehow this year I feel so much lonelier with it. Like its not supposed to be this way and I am doing something wrong. Like I am not allowed to or supposed to miss Jennifer so much. But I do. No more. But also no less than I did the very first year. .. The thing that’s changed is the intensity of it. Because year one I was accustomed to the daily onslaught of the pain of her absence. Now. Now I get respite from it.[…]

hiding

This time of year when I will constantly make.. and then break plans. Where I will commit over and over again to being a better mom, to take them out more and do more… Commit to being a better friend.. And then I won’t be. I will find any reason and excuse to cancel plans. And I feel terribly about it. But I can’t seem to stop. Every night I tell myself I won’t do it. I won’t cancel. .. And sometimes I don’t.. but more often than not I do. . I hate it and I wish I could change it.. Because I get scared. .. that at some point it will be enough is enough.. That the “my daughter died” excuse of life will just become old and tired..  That my children and my husband will be impacted because of the way I cope with my grief .. especially[…]

forget

I look at her picture. And I want to grab her out of it. To feel her warmth again..I just want to grab her by the shoulders.. and shoulders. .. her shoulders .. remember oh God.. please don’t let me forget.. her shoulders .. my hands could perfectly cup them. If I moved my thumbs inward I could feel that bony bump right there.. They curved in slightly.. I think . ..I think she hunched just a tiny bit. Oh my God. Is that her? Or is it Jonathan? please .. oh please. jennifer. no. no. no. its like i am losing you again. Piece by piece she was stolen. And now it happens again. As I struggle against my own brain to remember her. Its like a grainy cell phone picture.. We have tally marks on the wall for the kids heights. I walk past and will touch where[…]

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

i will stand

I am a walking contradiction. I wake up exhausted. .. yet I struggle to find sleep. I am somehow simultaneously full beyond capacity and horribly empty. and.. and the cruelest contradiction .. I am mom to 5. but only 4 that I can touch. I just want to know her still. Who she would be. See her outgrow clothes.. Know what her talents would be. .. What her current favorite popsicle flavor would be. I am forever her mom.. but she is forever 6 … and its just not the same. It just doesn’t add up or work. And right now that contradiction is just overwhelming. I am beyond broken right now..  I feel so destroyed. I just hurt.  The sheer power and force of these emotions in surprising. I cannot believe how hard this still is .. Not always.. That’s improved. But when it hits, and holy hell is it[…]

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