Category: for them because of her

18 months gone

18 months. I simply can’t believe it. officially a year and half since I have touched you.. since i have felt your warm breath in my face. 18 months since i have seen a new goofy pose for the camera.. I am still in shock over how badly it hurts. Over how much I notice the hole. I think I somehow thought by now I would be more adjusted to this new normal. But I am not. I get asked all the time at the end of this pregnancy if I am hoping for another girl.. if I am ready for a 4th. I smile and say its our 5th we have another daughter. Rarely do people follow up with another question. Yesterday a woman did.. Handing out a sample to my kids at Costco she asked where the other girl was. I told her she was in heaven. She didn’t[…]

s’more…s’mores

Jennifer loved camping. I am so glad we went when we did. We really thought about canceling. Because it was the month before I was due with our 4th.. and well after all we could always do it later. As it turned out no we couldn’t since she would be diagnosed and killed by cancer 10 months after that trip. I will forever be grateful we took that trip. This past weekend we went again. We also went last year. But I was numb still I think. The finality of her death simply had not sunk in yet. This year though. .. it was very real. I kept wanting to think of ways to cancel the trip. Because I just simply didn’t want to go without her. Nicholas asked if we could take a rock to sissy before we went. So while Tony and Jonathan packed the car we went[…]

lifes a beach

Jennifer was a water baby from the very beginning. She always loved the beach and just being in and near the water. I always feel closer to her again being near the ocean. .. We got back today from a few days at a rented beach house with my sisters family and my mom. Tony was able to come for one night but had to leave for work… I know I am so lucky to have him!   We had a great time.. even better than I was expecting. Our kids were truly so very well behaved and played together and with cousins the whole time. I forgot my camera but had my cell phone so snapped pics as often as I could. .. I want them to remember this trip because I think it was a really special time for them to be with their big cousins and to[…]

SacTownMNO

I was apart from my kids pretty much the whole weekend. But they are my why and this is my how. I said it in our Unravel video, but I truly don’t do this just for Jennifer. I love to talk about her and share her name, but I don’t need a non-profit to do that. I am a pretty loud mouthed lady! I do however need the non-profit to do my very best to protect my living children. .. See its too late for my Jennifer. But I know .. and I am scared every single day it could happen to us again. Or to one of their best friends.. or one of their children. I know the threat and I have to do something about it. MNO truly is a great way to do that. And this MNO was a blast. Let me tell you SacTown is no[…]

cancer survivor day

Cancer survival day. 2 years ago I didn’t even know something like this existed.. and if I did it was simply a blip in my day. Not a grinding and scratching reminder of what Jennifer is not. I thought it would just be one day staring me in the face. I was wrong. There is build up.. Its truly a wonderful thing to celebrate. .. I am just so horribly jealous that I can’t be part of it. I’m long over lamenting being part of the cancer community as a whole, I have met some of the greatest people in my life through it..  But I hate that I am, that we are,  the losers. A tumor in just a slightly different place in her brain.. it could have been the difference between life and death. . It certainly would have been at least a chance. With my 6 yr[…]

i was wrong.

I try to find life lessons in everyday things for my kids. I try to help them connect what they see to who they can be. Now. Today. I did that twice this past weekend. I was able to connect others peoples fight and good deeds to them.. to us and to Unravel. .. I have to laugh though.. I tell myself I do it for them.. but honestly I know as I write I do it for me too.. To know the sacrifices we make by running Unravel are meaningful.. that there is a purpose to what we are doing. We watched .. a bit obsessively the owner at my gym compete in something called the CrossFit games. I took a lot of playful ribbing for it. But the kids noticed. They got to observe some pretty amazing stuff. They don’t know numbers of weight and what heavy can[…]

normal

I feel like I should write.. like I want to write but the words won’t come to me.. neither will sleep it seems this week either. I still feel like I have so much to write I don’t want to forget.. about Seattle and our bereavement camp. But those memories seem so distant to me somehow. Not lost.. not yet at least.. but fuzzy and distant. Muted by my grief. I feel like I am deep in this right now. Struggling with my broken heart and my goals for the future. I find myself scared of so much .. my grief, my numb and from there it grows on and out. I find myself not wanting to leave the house again and letting the phone go to voicemail versus answering. What I don’t know.. what I don’t understand, is why its happening. I just hurt so much right now. I[…]

our joy

There is a story that goes along with our announcement. I had planned on.. wanted to write about it. But i sit down and I find my mind is already going to another place. .. Yesterday we announced our 5th child is due August 22nd. It was a happy day for us.. a joyous day. I got messages and emails and FB postings and replies on the blog.. I read every one.. I appreciated every single letter. And when I did that I remembered. .. Jennifer. A long road to her.. 5 losses and failed adoption. .. a broken road that lead me straight to her.. One I would have ridden a thousand times to get to that destination of her. I was part of a local online forum at the time. It became like a virtual group of friends.. solid friends surprisingly. When Jennifer was finally placed in my[…]

announce..

I have been sitting here nervously debating how to write what I want to say for the last 30 minutes… What’s the best way to explain.. My stomach feels all bubbly with nerves. But then Jonathan figured it out.. A video! .. Perfect..Though I will always miss the end of every video we make without Jennifer running up saying “can we watch it Mama?” She said it without fail every single time I filmed her.. This video.. presented by Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte .. a gift from their big sister.   …until there is a cure..

honor her

Its kid time for us right now. Time we had planned to celebrate all the great things about their sister and about them. To show them in actionable and tangible ways how much they all mean to us. …but you know how the best laid plans always seem to turn out.. Rain. Sickness .. The first day went ok. Tony went into work for just a half day. While he was gone the kids and I wanted to watch video of Jennifer. But I struggled to find any. They got frustrated. I did too. Just a thing they wanted.. memories of her moving. singing. talking. With them. But I couldn’t provide it right away. Eventually I found some. We watched her learn to swim.. we watched her swim by herself and we watched her pretend to swim for a gold medal she had made for herself during the summer olympics.[…]