Category: for them because of her

it falls to them

I woke up this morning and the ache… the hole in my heart and my life was palpable. I have cried often I have cried hard today. My boys and I painted rocks with nail polish to take to her. They seem to have a want and a need to go daily right now. And then they wanted to paint their nails.. to paint my nails. Jonathan knows just what to do.. exactly the way I used to do it with his big sister. Its been well over a year since he has seen that happen. But he remembered.. I was happy and I was devastated. That’s me. One giant walking contradiction. One giant ball of dueling emotions. So often feeling depleted of any true emotion but feeling such tenderness for my surviving 3. I feel like I cannot wait to die.. to get to be with my Jennifer again[…]

small change

I have so much to do right now for Unravel. I am trying to get a few of my blogs selected in different contests.. a way to reach a new audience. We are trying to get a informational video ready and a new brochure and 2 MNOs and so many other things I should be working on. Including our Facebook page. But instead when I opened up FB to go to our page I first noticed there was post by my friend Heather. .. a link to her blog post about recent photo session she had done. You can look here.. I encourage you to look. Fall in love with this family the way I have.  And then get so angry. Because it doesn’t have to happen. I look at this mom. Who is now one of my close friends and my heart breaks. Because I know the ache she[…]

deserve it

This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around. I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found[…]

integrity

Integrity.. its what you do when nobody is looking. Often I have forgotten that even when it feels like nobody is looking my most important and treasured audience usually is. My kids. They deserve the best of me and they haven’t always gotten it. Its one thing I will be forever grateful to Jennifer and this blog for.. Helping me find my way to my every 12th promise. For them because of her.. I will do it every 12th. This month I was lucky enough to have kids still young enough that they are my “them”. So I took them to a place I knew they would love. I took Jennifer there when she a little younger than Charlotte is now. A multi roomed preschooler fantasy land. They loved it. We talked about her. What she would have liked.. how she taught them to be good siblings and me to[…]

the longest line

This time last year Tony and I were on the best trip of our lives. A trip to surprise trip to Disneyland with just Jennfier and baby Charlotte. She was 7 months old so totally easy and flexible. The trip was all about Jennifer, what she wanted to do and when she wanted to do it. It was perfect. We had so much fun. She had so much fun. She was so happy to be all done with radiation. We thought this was just the start of a honeymoon period most kids with DIPG get.. a time to make memories and pack a lifetime in. We were so lucky to get gifted two incredible days there. One with a tour guide taking us through the crowded park and the other day with passes for her favorite rides.    We will forever be grateful for the generosity that allowed us to[…]

the first christmas

Time is divided into B.C and A.D times. Yup that pretty much sums it up. Before cancer and after death. This is our first Christmas in this new era. Two down.. one to go. This afternoon we head to my parents for our final Christmas “celebration.” I used to love this time of year. Looked forward to it and did my very best to absorb all of it. This month leading up to it though was filled with a dread.. A heavy cloud of grief that got heavier and heavier as the month went on. Until about 2 days before Christmas, then my body said.. nope. Thats enough of that. And my emotions got completely locked outside of me. Christmas Eve I felt like I was having a out of body experience. I felt totally drunk.. although I was completely sober.. my face even felt a little numb. And then[…]

angels

  All these things I am being forced to walk through. Nothing feels real right now.  Its like my body.. my heart.. my soul cannot accept that she is gone.. that I have to do this. These holidays.   Something in me snapped on Friday. Broke apart. And I cried off and on all day. I hate it. That cancer stole my daughter.. but also my 3 youngest babies childhoods. This shouldn’t be their memories for this time of year. But I can’t always stop it. I try .. I do try. Because I know it impacts them. I know how they are my little men and want to protect me. .. do anything to keep their mommy from hurting. Friday morning it was a cluster of hits that took me down. . Jonathan worried it was the song on the radio he had said he liked.. so he told[…]

donations.. come in all sorts of ways

Friday was another 12th. Marking 10 months since I held my daughter last. I have promised myself that I will spend every 12th doing something for them because of her. This month for the first time the “them” wasn’t my 3 surviving kids.. I did it with my kids.. but did it for the kids still in the fight for their life. This month I was privileged enough to give Dr. Monje the $70,000 check from our first years fluttering campaign.   We had prepped the boys for it.. let them know we were going to a lab where the scientists are working to try and find a cure. Told them we were bringing a donation from the families that raised money by fluttering.     We were mostly worried about how it might be for Jonathan. Earlier that morning I had talked about my 2 sickie boys to them. About how they[…]

for them

I am a life jack of all trades. I can talk to people going through struggles with their teens… I was pretty much your worst nightmare.. no seriously.. bad enough I worry about if all the bad we have encountered I brought on myself .. on us -but thats a whole different post- I can speak about infertility and losses. Adoption success and scams. Food allergies and celiac disease.. And just plain ole motherhood. Now I have added in pediatric cancer and founder of a non-profit because of my worst nightmare come true – that is so much worse than I feared- child loss. I look at those words and it hits me.. all of these things I have experienced in my life.. They are all are because of her.. My Jennifer. The one that was so worth the broken road we traveled to parenthood.. The child that made feel[…]

half the person

She was incredible. I can never really explain her well enough. Why do I have to? Why is she gone? So many kids claim her as their best friend.. (but it was always truly Jonathan) and that’s not because she is gone.. Its always been who she is. She had a “boyfriend”  (she never called them that .. but the cutest boys did seem to flock to her and she certainly never minded!) and a friend everywhere we went.  She would even make friends at the store while we shopped.                   I don’t know what it was but there was just something about this girl of mine that was pure magic. And I miss my magic girl something awful lately. We survived another 12th.. barely though. This has been a terrible time for me.. for us. Jonathan and Tony are just down[…]