Category: for them because of her

Sacramento

I rarely share photos of the signs we get.. but wanted to share the one above. It was the night before her birthday. A night Tony and I should have been planning ways to show her our love for her.. Instead she sent us her love.. some from Mommy and some for Daddy. Our birthday trip minus the birthday girl. She was born in Sacramento. It is a great town with so much to do for our aged kids. We missed her.. terribly.. but we made memories with our living babies while we grieved the one missing. Forever you will be missed. …until there is a cure…

steady knowledge

Sometimes I really struggle with this new life of mine.. not just the child loss portion of it.. but also the executive director of Unravel role I am in. I miss being a housewife..days filled with cooking and cleaning.. playdates and parks. Its all I ever wanted to be .. a wife and a mom. Its all I ever wanted to do.. raise a house full of kids. But then cancer hit and stole one of mine.. and all of my dreams and aspirations have now changed… Unravel brings so much.. but it comes at a cost. There are times I just want to go back to being only a mommy and wife. In just this new life.. As a mom to 3 living and 1 in heaven.. and wife to a incredible and broken man. I want to be making scrapbooks about her and trying to absorb my little[…]

Happy birthday

Happy birthday. That used to be a simple innocuous saying.. now such a loaded statement. I don’t know what to say.. A year ago I was just a mom.. then a little after noon I became a mom to child with a terminal brain tumor. Jennifer   We should be blowing up balloons. We should be telling her to stay in her room so she doesn’t ruin her surprises. Her brothers should be getting the chance to decorate for her.   Instead we are in a hotel.. running hard and fast from the truth that haunts us. Tomorrow she is truly and completely forever 6. Because when you don’t turn 7 what else is there? Happy forever 6th birthday buggers She should be blowing out 7 candles..opening presents.. and feeling extra special for the day. We should be getting to show her our love in lots of little ways. Instead we[…]

numb

I feel an invisible force on my foot.. trying to push it down.. put the brakes on this life.. Just make it all stop. . In 4 days I will have been a cancer mom for a whole year. In 4 days.. She will truly be forever 6.. because she won’t be here to turn 7. no no no no Today was the one year anniversary of the last full great day.. free day. .. happy day. The day before I picked her up from school and she threw up in her lap.. the day before we took her to the ER and she was admitted. I wanted to do something that symbolized that.. something free and fun. We went to the high school football games tonight, my brother and brother in laws team vs another brothers team.  It was a hour or so drive each way.. nice for me I[…]

fantasy

I feel like a wounded animal. I feel like I am slowly bleeding out. I remember being pregnant and dairy products with dates stamped on it past my due date.. how thrilling that was. Today I pulled out strong cheese for the kids and it was stamped with a date past the one year anniversary of her death. . how? why? no? Today seeing that sent a chill right through me. In a few months I will be done with all the firsts without her.. and just onto the rest of time.. Holiday after holiday.. one less.. Day after day being incomplete. I wonder if one day I will get used to it? Adjust to this new life of mine.. without her. Because right now its a lot like a phantom limb. Like I go to stand on the life I was had only to fall down since its no[…]

8 months

I used to love the Fall.. love when the seasons started to change and the weather got a little crisper.. Loved it getting dark earlier.. I hate it. I hate all of it. Its just leading to horrible days.. ones that used to be so full of joy .. that I am terrified of having to go through. A birthday without her .. Halloween without her.. thanksgiving and christmas and new years.. all without her.. and as time marches and the weather gets colder.. we hit the anniversary .. is there seriously no other word for it?!?! of her death. no. no. no. I used to love halloween. She was due on halloween.. Its not just a reminder that she is not here. For me its more with halloween. Its all the decorations. Tombstones and skeletons.. ghosts and zombies … all things to say that death is scary. …but Jennifer[…]

party

I burnt myself tonight pulling a batch of gluten free cupcakes out of the oven. Cupcakes we baked for a birthday girl that is no longer here. A party that won’t just be filled with all her first grade buddies..Its not even really a birthday party .. its a thank you to all the people that have cared about us over the past year.. We are so very very grateful. I thought it was a good idea.. Now I’m not so sure. I look at the balloons I bought with my 3 littlest.. for the big sister they will eventually outgrow. She loved to decorate the things I baked . They never looked pretty but she was always so very proud .. I will do it with all 3 of her siblings tomorrow. I will give Nicholas his own tray since I know he will stick his fingers in them.[…]