Sometimes I feel like I am living in a two worlds.. one in my memory and one in the current. Right now they often overlap each other.. Yesterday I was enveloped in that truth..
As I was driving Jonathan to his new talk dr. the song Brave came on. I was transported back.. to driving with Jennifer and hearing that song.. singing at the top of my lungs and then looking at her in my rear view mirror.. willing her with all my being to be brave.. and just really to be ok.
I looked back at Jonathan and had much of the same feelings. .. wanting him to do much of the same as I wanted from her 1.5 years ago. And it was startling.. How much the two moments overlapped and I was somehow able to be living in both times.. Like they were laid on top of each other.
In the evening I got him prepared for his very first t-ball game .. my oldest child to the outside world, but my 2nd season of t-ball. Everything overlapped for me. .. except the sadness. I didn’t cry those tears 2 years ago getting her ready for her first game. ..
2 years. How is that even possible??
2 years ago I was 7 months pregnant with my 4th child. Cancer was still months away from entering our vocabulary. Yet here I am .. 2 years later and she has been gone a year. I’m living it.. but it still doesn’t seem like it could possibly be real.
I did cry getting her ready though.. about how big she was getting. Looking at her as she tucked her shirt in as the final touch in our kitchen.. just like he did… I cried this time again.. at how big he is getting. And at how unnatural it seems. How can he be playing t-ball or registering for kindergarten??? His big sister is the t-baller.. she is in kindergarten.
My mind struggles with the overlap at these times. Struggles to make sense out of the nonsense.
He made the same face she did when I tried to explain these typical mommy tears to him.. That I am just so proud to be his mommy.. that I love him so much. Echoing all those same words I said to her. . it was like hearing double in my own head..
He missed her too. Even though he has his own glove he wanted hers.. And we packed her t-ball medal from last year in his bag.
This past weekend was opening day/picture day. I wasn’t here I was at a Mama’s Night Out meeting… Looking back at all the intertwining of memories I wish I had been her.. because still my memory is only of her .. but I am finding myself so appreciate of this artificial mingling of my children. ..
Since in reality it will never happen again.
Tony came home in time to drive with us to the game. I was thankful for that. He gave me strength. .. helped to root me in the current. Jonathan is playing at the same field Jennifer did, but we parked in a different lot. That little change was helpful in making this a new memory without the same overlap in my mind.
We ended all her games with a trip to cold yogurt. We debated doing the same this time around… Its all so different now. Going out to get something to eat was such a treat.. with her celiacs it was a rare option. Something I lamented often.. But now it is something more normal in our household. A convenience I will never appreciate because the cost was simply too high.
After the game he shared all of his snacks with his brother and sister.. without them asking. He thanked my mom for coming to his game. Both things we had taught her to do that he seemed to comfortably remember. The overlap.. I guess its not just mine alone.
So we decided to take him. But at the last minute he wanted ice cream instead. So thats where they went. I love when he wants her included.. when he seems to enjoy the overlap.. but I also appreciate our survirows and who they are becoming .. .
i love our stolen moments ..
all together again
i am grateful for the overlap.
i am grateful i got to be
..until there is a cure..