over and over again

Oh Jennifer. I miss you.

All these interviews .. you should have been beside me.. not a picture behind me. I have felt something. Like a force or a strength around me. I have turned on the car and felt you speaking to me through songs that are playing. I know you are so proud of us.. Of this I have no doubt. Not just the choice we made to donate the embryos.. but also to go public.

It buoyed me.. till it starts to dissipate and then the empty is so much more than it was ..

I miss you.

So much. We did all of this for you. To help you see and understand .. how very much we love you. How its not our blood that makes us family its our love. And that we were complete.. so perfectly complete with you and your brothers and baby sister.

Here is the interview we did that really explains why we made this choice and how Jennifer was completely the center of all of it.. and that now she is gone they honor her and our work at Unravel. Its a skype interview with people.com who did an incredible job sharing our side of the story. I hope you can watch this.

For 9 months with all of you, we were whole. Even with you sick… I was whole.

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Now 9 months we have been incomplete without you… I know how selfish that is.. to wish for my wholeness despite your suffering.

over

I miss you.

Jennifer Lynn Kranz we would choose you, over and over again..

I still would. Do you know that?

Rewind to Oct 28th 2007. Give me the choice of 6 years with you.. and then a lifetime of pain without you. I’d do it again. Oh buggers you are so worth this pain. But I just can’t believe how much this hurts.

I hope you know these tears I seem to constantly shed are just my love releasing in waves of pain over not having you in my arms anymore.

You made us better people.. always and unknowingly.. you helped us all.

You help me still.

Because you give me something to look forward to..

a goal to always be working towards..

 getting to see you again.

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…until there is a cure..

 

32 Responses to “over and over again”

      1. You’re welcome……..

        I just watched the video and it is great….an amazing story. Sammy’s eyes remind me of Jonathan’s and Charlotte’s………and yours Libby.

  1. Wow Libby! Look at you spreading all of that glitter!!! I know Jennifer is so proud of u! I am just always so amazed by you! By everything you are doing! God Bless u n your family. So much love 4 JLK… Always

  2. wow, what a great interview, Libby! amazing story and i’m so glad you are getting the word our about both embryo adoption and Unravel! Jennifer is so beautiful and shining in every picture! I love seeing Charlotte’s hair standing up like what we used to call chicken feathers! the kids’ smiles are just adorable!

    great job!

  3. Libby you are so eloquent. I don’t know how you do it, but you do it without fail. You are an inspiration, I think of you and your whole family daily. JLK is with is all … Saying her name.

  4. Thank you for continuing to share your world with us. Jennifer is inspiring so many. I know I am forever changed as a mom, and as a person taking up arms against childhood cancer, because of her.

  5. Dear Libby,
    What an amazing interview! You are such a natural at inspiring us. I have been reading your blog from the beginning. Because of your sister, Anne, my daughter, Michele, led me on this journey with you and your family. I’ve cried, laughed and smiled through it all. At Jennifer’s Celebration of Life, Michele and I watched and listened to all of you speak. It was an unforgettable experience we are so proud to have witnessed. You have grown near and dear to me. My daughter, Michele, was also adopted at birth because I could not have children. My husband and I don’t know what we would have done without her…three grandchildren later. Your strength is crazy good! I am for the happiness of children first and foremost. When I watched the interview I realized through tears why I feel close to you and your family! Thank you for keeping me awake. We flittered and fluttered your cause. We remain faithful to the remembrance of sweet Jennifer. we continue to prayer…until there is a cure

  6. That was an amazing interview. I k ow Jennifer is so very proud of you. We love Jennifer, we love you all so much. Until there is a cure.

  7. <3 you are so correct, it isn't blood that makes you Mommy and Daddy, sister or brother it si the gift from God that gave you Jennifer and the love that bonds you way past this time on earth! Jennifer Lynn IS (im sure) very proud of her parents (you and Tony) and most likely dancing in the sky bragging, look that's my Mommy and Daddy!! Prayers and hugs, we love you as well and Jennifer Lynn Kranz will always keep that bond for us!!

  8. I’ve been wanting to write to you for a few days now. I found your blog through SupermanSam’s blog a few weeks ago. I have been so touched by your story and then it was almost like serendipitous that I see you and Jennifer’s face on People.com earlier this week. First of all I am so sorry for the loss of your precious little Jennifer. I had been so moved by your posts and my heart aches for your whole family. There is something about your little Jennifer, beyond her enormous cuteness…actually her beauty, something about her smile and the light in her eyes that has touched me beyond words (she really is a glitter princess). She reminds me of my little 6 yr old Ella – only your Jennifer was much more of a mommy than my little spitfire 😉 and I also have a 4 yr old son so I know the pain/confustion/struggle Jonathon must be going through without his beautiful bf Jennifer. Please know that Jennifer got to experience being a special little mommy because of the 3 adorable siblings you gave her…you provided the best unconditional love, care, family and experiences any little girl could hope for. For me, as an outsider, the unfairness and abrubtness to the 3.5 months that you had to wrap your head around this situation is overwhelmining. I can’t begin to understand the pain/ache you are now experiencing trying reconcile all that has happened in the past year and trying to find your new normal without such a key part of your family. Your 12th special days will keep Jennifer’s spirit in your lives and she will never be forgotten by your family or by random new friends like myself that can not stop thinking about her and her spirited life! I will be donating to her doctors that are working with her tumors so that perhaps they can find some medicine, breakththrough or cure that can prevent this kind of tragedy from ever affecting another family. Libby you are such a strong women – you inspire me by just writing your experiences – I have slowed down in my life with my kids and I thank you and Jennifer for that. Now you are also inspiring others by your story about em-baby adoption – you are changing the way people think about families – it is all about love! Thank you for that. The love never goes away – one day I hope the rawness of the loss of Jennifer will not be so sharp – she would not want to see her mommy preoccupied with something that can not be changed – she would want you to be happy and silly and being the awesome mom you are- making the most of your time here until you see her again because her love and her spirit will always be with you – it’s too strong to ever go away. You are doing an incredible job trying to live in the moment – I wish you and your family all the love and strength you need. You will be in my thoughts and prayers here in IL …until there is a cure.
    (BTW random coicidence – I am married to a Tony and my mom and dad are Bill and Mary. I wonder if you are an Elizabeth too)

  9. I just wanted to thank you for the gift of embryo donation. In less than 2 weeks, I will be transferring our anonymously adopted embryo. Since I can’t thank them, I want to thank you.

  10. Libby…You are truly an AMAZING person! Your journey to be a mom has me in awe! You struggled, adopted, conceived, loved 4 perfect babies, lost, struggled and now you’ve come back full circle to giving someone else the opportunity to adopt and conceive and love her baby. Best wishes to all of your family! You ROCK!!!!

  11. You are amazing Libby. Truly amazing. Jennifer, who I have fallen in love with, is incredibly proud. I’m certain of that

  12. Oh Libby, you are such an inspiration to me. I love this post so very much. It is so profoundly relieving to know you would make this choice again. That the six years of wholeness were worth the lifetime of pain. What a testament to love, and to families. I admire you, and the frankness with which you share your pain. You are a very real person, and you have an amazing (if unwanted) cause. I’m not sure what the situation for pediatric cancer is like here in Canada, but your story has profoundly moved me to find out, and reach out.

    PS. I talked about your daughter today, and I’m going to mention her story to someone else again tomorrow. Jennifer might be physically gone, but you have introduced her to the world. It probably pisses you off (who cares if the world knows her, when it means that you can’t have her?) but I hope that it also makes you proud. If it wasn’t for you, I’d never have heard her story, and if it wasn’t for the sweet portrait of her you painted, I would be less compelled to share it.

  13. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

    I hate cancer.

    Hugs to, Libby. So many hugs.

  14. So Proud of you Libby. Everyday I am in Awh of you. You are an amazing woman, mother, and friend. Bless you for sharing the joy of motherhood.

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