haunted

I am haunted lately .. but not the kind I want.

Just a deep dark sadness. I am exhausted all the time. Like deep down to my bones tired. Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Our first real holiday since she died. Since she was stolen from my arms.

I could have held her forever. I am so grateful we donated her tumors so I had some reason and some purpose to give her the final kiss on her forehead .. the last moment I touched her.. Felt her. She was dead. Thats so backwards. She was supposed to kiss me goodbye.. she was supposed to grieve me.

I still can’t figure out what we should do for Thanksgiving. Nothing seems right without her. And when you include extended family there are so many more emotions and hearts to be worried about.. to be sure its ok for everybody.

And I am just so sad. A year ago we did our glitter photo shoot. My dear friend Heather Avrech’s idea.. I almost canceled JLK was so swollen from the steroids.. She didn’t look like herself. So glad we did it. Even then knowing her time was limited I couldn’t help but bank on tomorrow.. thinking we could wait until she was off the steroids to do the photo shoot. We couldn’t have.. Her tomorrows were so limited. You can watch it here.. its pretty awesome.

haunting6

 

oh baby girl

what a magical day that was

your brightness and your laugh

the way your brothers looked at you from the sidelines

i remember so much joy

haunting2

I realized the other day as I took a moment for myself.. to grieve for her as I often do in the shower. We used to sing a silly song.. It was just a connection for both of us to each other. So I still reach for it.. that connection to her. Often I find myself hugging myself. Trying to bring back the feel of her in there with me.

But this time I realized that it wasn’t her arms around me that I missed as much as feeling her in my arms. I cry and I hug myself but my arms are achingly empty. Its something I can never ever replace, her head against me and her smiling face looking up at me. The way my hands cupped the side of her head.. and the feel of her in my arms.

After her mask fitting for her radiation treatment
After her mask fitting for her radiation treatment

Why? Why can’t I remember those moments. Why am I so haunted by the horrible. I remember her .. the way her bones stick out.. the way her head got heavier and heavier. ..

Its why I love my pictures and my videos.. because its the only way I can try to push the haunting aside. It never works though. I dream of her.. Quite often I think, mercifully I don’t remember all of them but awake with a heavy, sick feeling. But its not the real her. Its my fears.. the worst my brain can create overtaking me when I sleep.

I miss her. But I also miss my happiness.. my joy. I can’t even remember it anymore.

Last Thanksgiving. 100% pure joy in our faces.
Last Thanksgiving. 100% pure joy in our faces.

She made us all happy.. and without her we are all a little bit empty. I miss my joy.. and Tonys and my boys.. They make me happy all of my kids do.. but for all us the depths of our happy is so much more shallow. .. the shine of our hearts is dulled without her. She wasn’t just born with glitter in her veins she brought it out in everybody else.

haunting3

I want to go back to that time. When we felt real joy .. I just want to feel her in my arms.. but right now I would settle for it in my heart.. and remember her the way she was for most of her life.. not just be tortured with her final days.. What the hell is wrong with me?

jennifer i love you.

i know you are trying to reach me

trying to come to me

i’m sorry. sorry i push you away

i just don’t know how to stop it

jennifer i love you

and i know

you love me

haunting7

…until there is a cure..

 

11 Responses to “haunted”

  1. Oh sweet Libby. I sit here in tears reading this. I am sorry. So very sorry you have to go through this. I think of Jennifer daily. I think of you all daily. We love Jennifer. We love you all. ♡

  2. And you are absolutely right about Jennifer’s Glitter Shoot. It was magical. She looked so beautiful. So very happy and care free. She was beaming from the inside out. And so were you. We love you ♡

  3. I love that pictures with Jennifer throwing the glitter up, the glitter it’s almost in the shape of a heart. Thanksgiving I know will be hard for you and your family, maybe this year should just be you and your beautiful family spending this day together. Jennifer will be there in your hearts she’s always with you Libby.

  4. 100% pure joy and beauty was what I saw the very first time I saw the glitter shoot. In your face and Jennifer’s. Such a loving genuinely great mother this woman is. . I thought as well. Just from the way you two looked at each other! You could see the love and bond between you two so clearly! I’m so sorry your having to go through this-and my tears fall at every post. I just wanna scream that is just not friggin fair! !!!! I pray you find comfort in how proud Jennifer is of you.

  5. Dear Libby, Your postings are so very heart breaking, yet so poetic. I love the photo shoot with Jennifer and her brothers. God Bless.

  6. I am aware that holidays must be so incredibly hard. They are landmarks of our year: and this year’s Thanksgiving has no Jennifer in it. I am always drenched in tears when I think about your brave work to keep your family together and still find some joy in each day.

    And the glitter shoot is absolutely unforgettable.

  7. Libby my heart breaks for you. For me, it took a long time before my memory of my mom was her before cancer. I know that has been an experience for others with this kind of loss (Joe, his mom…). In fact I remember so clearly when I was pregnant with Olive I had a dream about my mom and it was the first time she didn’t have cancer in the dream. The first time she came to me as her healthy complete self. That felt like such a gift. It felt like now that I was becoming a mother, my mother was finally whole again. Try to have faith that you will remember the Jennifer before cancer again. It will take time but eventually the memory of her before she was sick will creep to the forefront. I think this is a part of the grieving process. It is natural, or as natural as something so terribly unnatural can be. I imagine it feels like you have been in this pain for so long that there is no beginning or end but it is so early. There is time for all these things you hope for to come to you and for you to grow ready to accept them. I am sure you know all this but maybe it helps to be reminded. Or maybe it sucks in which case I am sorry! Sending lots of love. (By the way as I was writing about the things you hope for coming to you I looked down and saw this heart shaped button from one of olive’s favorite toys on the carpet. I had noticed it missing this morning and was hoping to find it because she is so attached to it. Seeing it as I was writing sent a flutter to my heart and I felt I needed to share with you because it fell like a sign). Any way, all my rambling aside you and your family are held in my heart this thanksgiving.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *