I am haunted lately .. but not the kind I want.
Just a deep dark sadness. I am exhausted all the time. Like deep down to my bones tired. Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Our first real holiday since she died. Since she was stolen from my arms.
I could have held her forever. I am so grateful we donated her tumors so I had some reason and some purpose to give her the final kiss on her forehead .. the last moment I touched her.. Felt her. She was dead. Thats so backwards. She was supposed to kiss me goodbye.. she was supposed to grieve me.
I still can’t figure out what we should do for Thanksgiving. Nothing seems right without her. And when you include extended family there are so many more emotions and hearts to be worried about.. to be sure its ok for everybody.
And I am just so sad. A year ago we did our glitter photo shoot. My dear friend Heather Avrech’s idea.. I almost canceled JLK was so swollen from the steroids.. She didn’t look like herself. So glad we did it. Even then knowing her time was limited I couldn’t help but bank on tomorrow.. thinking we could wait until she was off the steroids to do the photo shoot. We couldn’t have.. Her tomorrows were so limited. You can watch it here.. its pretty awesome.
oh baby girl
what a magical day that was
your brightness and your laugh
the way your brothers looked at you from the sidelines
i remember so much joy
I realized the other day as I took a moment for myself.. to grieve for her as I often do in the shower. We used to sing a silly song.. It was just a connection for both of us to each other. So I still reach for it.. that connection to her. Often I find myself hugging myself. Trying to bring back the feel of her in there with me.
But this time I realized that it wasn’t her arms around me that I missed as much as feeling her in my arms. I cry and I hug myself but my arms are achingly empty. Its something I can never ever replace, her head against me and her smiling face looking up at me. The way my hands cupped the side of her head.. and the feel of her in my arms.
Why? Why can’t I remember those moments. Why am I so haunted by the horrible. I remember her .. the way her bones stick out.. the way her head got heavier and heavier. ..
Its why I love my pictures and my videos.. because its the only way I can try to push the haunting aside. It never works though. I dream of her.. Quite often I think, mercifully I don’t remember all of them but awake with a heavy, sick feeling. But its not the real her. Its my fears.. the worst my brain can create overtaking me when I sleep.
I miss her. But I also miss my happiness.. my joy. I can’t even remember it anymore.
She made us all happy.. and without her we are all a little bit empty. I miss my joy.. and Tonys and my boys.. They make me happy all of my kids do.. but for all us the depths of our happy is so much more shallow. .. the shine of our hearts is dulled without her. She wasn’t just born with glitter in her veins she brought it out in everybody else.
I want to go back to that time. When we felt real joy .. I just want to feel her in my arms.. but right now I would settle for it in my heart.. and remember her the way she was for most of her life.. not just be tortured with her final days.. What the hell is wrong with me?
jennifer i love you.
i know you are trying to reach me
trying to come to me
i’m sorry. sorry i push you away
i just don’t know how to stop it
jennifer i love you
and i know
you love me
…until there is a cure..