I woke up this morning feeling empty. Like the lack of her was completely overwhelming. It was a hard day to be a good mom.. But I tried. I tried and won some and failed some.
Tony was gone all day at a football game.. a full day out that he more than deserved.. I don’t know if thats why it hit so hard.. or if it was simply the weather. Gray .. cool… overcast. Did it remind me of February? Of the time right after she died? Or was it just a reminder of this time of last year.. when we first learned our eldest would die?
I don’t know how to explain it, it was.. it was a .. a missing.. a strong constant missing of my baby girl. A want for her. Just to hold her. To know her. To know what she would look like now. Everybody else growing and changing.. getting hair cuts and new outfits.
she is frozen.
We went to her grave today. At the kids request. Leaving I cried to her granite. I said the same words I have said each time I feel her name beneath my fingers before I walk away. Then I wipe my tears and drive my living ones home.
I pulled in the driveway and saw the paper dragonflies still taped to my door.. the symbol for the non-profit I never wanted. And it hit me. I left her there..
but she’s only 6
I fought with every ounce of my being to silence those thoughts. To not let such darkness consume me with them awake and needing me. I won. For them I will always try .. always fight the horrible.. They did see me cry. They do taste my grief but I will never let it wash us all away. That moment though. The battle was immediate and fierce.
but i won
I think they sensed my hollowness. I hope they appreciate my efforts. We made catapults .. they barely even worked.. but we made them together. And I took them out for fluttering and dinner. We could go wherever we wanted. No pesky food allergy stopping us.. as I watched them eat their hamburgers I lamented the chains we used to carry.. of her celiacs. .. The first “c” word we were challenged with. I remembered … fondly… those struggles.
I’m trying jennifer
I’m so scared jennifer
Blood pounding in my ears.. and I remember. How I felt. Now it washes over me. sweeps me away..
i want to run.. run to where you are… dig the dirt up with my hands.
you’re alone. deep in the ground.
i’m sorry baby.
i can’t get to you. .. i want to. i can’t.
i can’t do this for the rest of my life. i can’t ache i can’t miss you this much. i can’t. i can’t.
I have to though. This is forever.
I can’t believe she is dead. Its still so unreal to me most of the time. So unnatural. So distant somehow. So now I sit here, shirt soaking wet. Trying to force my body to remember. Remember what she felt like sitting on my lap. Legs and arms wrapped around me. Head on my shoulder with my lips on her hair.
help me jennifer
help me feel you
help me heal
because right now bugger..
So I hold my breath. And I will her to come to me.
…until there is a cure