i can’t

I woke up this morning feeling empty. Like the lack of her was completely overwhelming. It was a hard day to be a good mom.. But I tried. I tried and won some and failed some.

Tony was gone all day at a football game.. a full day out that he more than deserved.. I don’t know if thats why it hit so hard.. or if it was simply the weather. Gray .. cool… overcast. Did it remind me of February? Of the time right after she died? Or was it just a reminder of this time of last year.. when we first learned our eldest would die?

I don’t know how to explain it, it was..  it was a ..  a missing.. a strong constant missing of my baby girl. A want for her. Just to hold her. To know her. To know what she would look like now. Everybody else growing and changing.. getting hair cuts and new outfits.

she is frozen.

buried.

ash.

oh jennifer.

We went to her grave today. At the kids request. Leaving I cried to her granite. I said the same words I have said each time I feel her name beneath my fingers before I walk away. Then I wipe my tears and drive my living ones home.

I pulled in the driveway and saw the paper dragonflies still taped to my door.. the symbol for the non-profit I never wanted. And it hit me. I left her there..

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alone.

cold.

but she’s only 6

forever 6

I fought with every ounce of my being to silence those thoughts. To not let such darkness consume me with them awake and needing me. I won. For them I will always try .. always fight the horrible.. They did see me cry. They do taste my grief but I will never let it wash us all away. That moment though. The battle was immediate and fierce.

but i won

IMG_5011IMG_5013I think they sensed my hollowness. I hope they appreciate my efforts. We made catapults .. they barely even worked.. but we made them together. And I took them out for fluttering and dinner. We could go wherever we wanted. No pesky food allergy stopping us.. as I watched them eat their hamburgers I lamented the chains we used to carry.. of her celiacs. .. The first “c” word we were challenged with. I remembered … fondly… those struggles.

I’m trying jennifer

so hard

I’m so scared jennifer

terrified

Blood pounding in my ears.. and I remember. How I felt. Now it washes over me. sweeps me away..

i want to run.. run to where you are… dig the dirt up with my hands.

you’re alone. deep in the ground.

i’m sorry baby.

i can’t get to you. .. i want to.  i can’t.

i can’t do this for the rest of my life. i can’t ache i can’t miss you this much. i can’t. i can’t.

I have to though. This is forever.

Fuck.

I can’t believe she is dead. Its still so unreal to me most of the time. So unnatural. So distant somehow. So now I sit here, shirt soaking wet. Trying to force my body to remember. Remember what she felt like sitting on my lap. Legs and arms wrapped around me. Head on my shoulder with my lips on her hair.

help me jennifer

help me feel you

help me heal

because right now bugger..

right now

i can’t

I can’t.

So I hold my breath. And I will her to come to me.

i cant 2

…until there is a cure

 

 

21 Responses to “i can’t”

  1. Still here, reading, praying, flittering, doing what I can to help you all, the whole Kranz family, defeat this monster. For Jennifer, and for so many others.

  2. Libby, you didn’t leave Jennifer there in the cold dark. You left what used to be her physical form. Her spirit, her soul, is not in the dark, not in the cold. Her consciousness, that part of her that made her who she is, is alive and well. I hope for your sake, she finds a way to come to you and let you remember. I know it will never be enough, but perhaps it will be a little.

  3. So so much love to you today and everyday. I love each and every one of you. Jennifer will always be with you. She knows you love her. She will be waiting for you.

  4. libby, she is with you, every single day. she’s wrapping her arms around you to comfort you – I pray that you can feel her to ease your pain…i’m sure she will make every effort to let you know this. warmest heartfelt hugs xo

  5. She is not alone or cold. I’ve had similar thoughts, but they aren’t true. She is wrapped up warmly in God’s love until she’s in your arms again in heaven.

  6. Libby,

    Reading your heartbreaking posts touch my soul. There are no words to comfort you. God Bless. I include precious Jennifer Lynn in my prayers.

    Jan Rien

  7. Tears for your pain. It’s so unfair. I am so sorry.
    We have to beat this monster. I am so proud of you for banding us all together in this fight. Together we CAN make a difference so others don’t have to feel this pain.
    prayers & love

  8. I kept my son’s ashes at home…..it is surreal…..I want him with me, but he’s not. I look at the urn, and I think it is so ugly, I feel nothing when I look at it…..because it’s NOT my son. It might be his ashes, but I don’t recognize those ashes. I have no ties to those ashes. My ties were to his soul…..and my soul hurts without his…….just like I know yours does. So confusing. And the weather…oh man…the weather sets off so many triggers for me often…..you can’t get away from the weather 🙁
    Thank you for your honesty Libby.

  9. I took my son to the park on Saturday morning and walking back home we saw two lovely dragon flies fluttering about. I said ‘Jennifer’ under my breath and my two and a half year old started calling them Jennifer’s. I didn’t correct him because that’s what they are to me now. A reminder of this little angel who’s life, memory, and family are changing the way our children are cared for.

    She is with you Libby, she is right there holding your hand every step of the way. Guiding you, helping you, and being so freaking proud of you. You’ve done more than keep your promise to her; you’ve brought all of us along with you. Your own Glitter Army. Her Glitter Army.

    Jennifer <3

  10. I just found this:
    I shall remember you for as long
    as there are fields of snow
    and there are flowers in the ground
    with strength to grow.
    As long as there are stars above
    and moonbeams on the sea,
    and just as long as there are songs
    of love and memory.
    I shall remember you today
    and dreams of you tonight,
    and look for you tomorrow when
    the sun begins to light.
    Whatever season, month or year,
    this much will be the same,
    the only sound of joy will be,
    the mention of your name.
    I shall remember you for as long
    As there are earth and sky.
    And all eternity
    may take to say good bye.
    ~ James Metcalfe

    I am so sorry. Jennifer should be with you.

  11. I’m in such awe of your strength, Libby. Thank you for sharing and for motivating all of us to help unravel pediatric cancer. You inspire me daily. Love to all 6 of you.

    XO

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