Tag: signs

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

a napkin

**** sometimes I write posts and don’t post them right away. This is one of those written in August**** Trying to prepare for Jonathan to start kindergarten. .It forces answers a lot of questions and fears I have been lucky enough to avoid. But it seems to help a new crop of them bloom. We got out Jennifer’s uniform because its a unisex top and he wants to wear hers. It matters a lot to him. Once alone with these bright blue memories I held them to my face.. desperately trying to find a piece of her to breathe in.. I couldn’t. Tony did find a hair of hers.. We carefully wrapped around the button. I gave him 2 and explained the other 3 we would save for her other younger brother(s) and sister(s). **Bridgette not yet born I didn’t know if he would have 2 little sisters or little brothers.[…]

tomorrow

Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up … but today.. Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears. Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me. Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. .. today. today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things. ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often.[…]

the right place

I wrote once about signs.. wondering if I had little hints and glimpses into this life I would one day be handed.. Today I realized too that maybe I have been in training for it all along too..Here is that journal.. its pretty incredible to me how much I seem to have always know.. without knowing.. My mom said today that she struggled with God.. but one thing that helped was the miracle that is my blog.. That He must be helping me write the way I have.. reaching out and into people the way that I have been able to. So it hit me.. this isn’t the first time I have actually done that. When we were struggling with infertility and miscarriages I was part of this forum of woman. In the beginning I didn’t know any of them.. so I poured myself out to them .. feeling safe[…]

broken road

We were done. We were totally sure we were done with that pregnancy. Its part of why I especially hoped that baby would be a girl. I really appreciate having a sister and I wanted that for Jennifer. I will never every forget her coming to my bed at the hospital and meeting her baby sister for the first time. The way she ran over while the boys entered sheepishly. Came straight to me and asked “is it a girl mommy? is it Charlotte? Is is my sister? This is the first time she held her.. I love the way she looks down at her with such love.. such pride.. And a contentment. I remember the swell of love and pride I felt getting to tell her yes. She has a sister now. My bookend girls. Exactly perfect. She helped me with Charlotte right away. Real help. Pretty much everybody[…]

Sacramento

I rarely share photos of the signs we get.. but wanted to share the one above. It was the night before her birthday. A night Tony and I should have been planning ways to show her our love for her.. Instead she sent us her love.. some from Mommy and some for Daddy. Our birthday trip minus the birthday girl. She was born in Sacramento. It is a great town with so much to do for our aged kids. We missed her.. terribly.. but we made memories with our living babies while we grieved the one missing. Forever you will be missed. …until there is a cure…

she is more

Birthday done..check. Now halloween. I want to to just sleep through it. I want to avoid it completely. But I can’t, that wouldn’t be fair to my little 3. And then that makes me mad. I always did a good job appreciating the middle of the night wake ups and temper tantrums over not liking their costumes.. because I knew.. well I thought I knew how quickly time could pass. I had no idea I would only be gifted 6 truly magical years … before cancer stole a piece of all of us. The benefit of having so many older siblings that had children before me is that I know I am in the glory years. . the magic years.. But I’m not relishing in them the way I want to.. the way I used just a year ago. My love for them is big and strong.. but the ache[…]

what doesn’t kill you..

I went for a run this morning with my 2 littles while Jonathan was in preschool.. and while Jennifer.. well we all know where she is but somehow I still feel like I need to mention her. I was thinking about the broadcast that was on about Unravel and all the people fluttering last night. You can watch and read it here..its a different post than the original and explains fluttering really well!  I am not usually publicly emotional .. and it showed me crying not once but twice..  I was feeling very vulnerable. And then this song came on “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” And I thought oh the irony.. She couldn’t have possibly been any stronger.. But maybe that’s not the point of this song playing in my ears. .. Maybe its me? Because although cancer has destroyed so much of me.. it did not take all of me.[…]

half a year

6 months. Half a year. So long since I have touched her.. yet still so long until I feel her again. “They” say that most kids don’t come through for their parents for a minimum of 6 months… I have been waiting for and dreading this day. Because now I am truly waiting for my dream with her.. yet still terrified of the nightmare.. Somehow 6 months feel so much longer than 5 months. This 11th was quite different from the last ones I have experienced. Tonight I went to go assemble the fluttering kits. They are beautiful.. I am proud of what we have accomplished. But mostly I am moved. I hope fluttering becomes bigger and so much more than Jennifer. But the truth is.. this year its all about her, and tonight I let myself enjoy that. The vast majority of people ordering kits did so because of[…]

DC

After I wrote last time I set out to get packing.. I found our backpack and looked inside. Just a few things from our last trip, her Make A Wish to DisneyWorld and even though this wasn’t her bag it had her stuff in it. A barely touched magic marker coloring book. I had no idea what to do with it. I didn’t want to throw it away but I also have nowhere to keep it. I already have so much of her stuff saved and it wasn’t like she really colored these pages. I decided to go put it in her backpack in her room. Once I walked in I started sobbing. I just didn’t want to go without her. I had been walking all around the house trying to figure out what to bring of hers on the trip.. to have her with me. Its so hard to[…]