Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up …
Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears.
Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me.
Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. ..
today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things.
ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry
Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often. The ones she learned to walk in and the ones she ran and played in … something for each of my surviving girls.
Today my 4 year old does his best to help. As mom and dad fight over nothing.. . Just quietly doing his 4 year old best to help us get things done and put away. He watches as we hug and say sorry in words and actions..
Today I looked at the Christmas tree and am nearly overtaken by violent anger. This incredible urge to grab it and throw it through the window. To tear it apart.. tear it all down and run.. run until my legs can’t carry me any longer.
tonight my 6 year old doesn’t fall asleep. So I get him. We watch a grown up cooking show together and I say sorry for not being the mom they deserve.
Tonight he tells me “its ok mom because I really don’t even remember”
please please please let that be the way all 6 years feel about their mommy’s mistakes
Tonight the house is quiet.. but I am not. Tonight I am undone. Tonight I overflowing.. Tonight I am grateful that my husband is working the night shift.. for the solitude I need. And for the excuse to cancel plans..
Tonight I look at her stocking hanging .. but I keep my distance. If I get too close I won’t be able to contain it anymore.. I will scream until my lungs burn .. I will drain myself quickly and loudly and collapse and sleep right there.
Like I did the first night without her. Somehow I slept without sleep.
Tonight I drain slowly and quietly.
tomorrow i will be better
pinkie swear baby
tomorrow i will
but not now.
..until there is a cure..