forever 6

7 children died today from cancer. My child wasn’t one of them. She is already dead.

I will blog about the 24 hours leading up to her death. But that will be one I keep just for me. Here though moments . . memories will come up I will share you as they do.

Today has been harder than I ever could have imagined. I held her. I stayed with her for over 24 hours . . much of it spent looking in each others eyes. It was. . . well beyond words.forever6

I think people have a image of death. . .maybe to ease ourselves. . that its peaceful.

In my. . albeit thankfully limited experience  . . its not always.

It is raw and messy and gritty and hectic. . .

it is beautiful and awe inspiring. . .

The 24 hours leading up to her death.

The death of my first baby.

Were some of the most precious hours I have ever lived.

The death of my child . . the experience I had . .  was much like birth.

Hard. physical.pain. labor. fear.

. . .love.

And so worth it.

The most beautiful day of my entire life.

. . . . hands down . . .

On that Monday 2.5 weeks ago when we got the call about the bad MRI results. I had a flash of thinking she would die on the 12th. I didn’t tell anybody.

Its crazy right?forever6.1

But then a few days later I started told some people. Her doctor called to express her love yesterday morning and said she was shocked. . .but not . . . that I was right for the day my daughter would take her last breath. For the record I was off by about 45 minutes on the time….

It is so much harder than I expected. I told her over and over again it was ok to go . . that sometimes kids lead the way for their parents.

I thought I meant it.

I lied.

I thought I understood what I was saying.

I didn’t.

I know she is pain free and happy.

but I still want her with me. I would give anything to have her back.

Even post seizure frozen in bed with me.

Its that hard and I am simply that selfish.

She changed a lot physically in 24 hours. I want to remember all parts of her . . they are all her and I love them all.

I miss her. Yesterday I tried so hard to stay up till midnight.

Yesterday was the last day I could ever say I touched her and felt her weight in my arm.

I am so beyond broken. So deep dark in a chasm that I can’t see my way out of it. Tony has decided its not time yet for the boys to be home with us.

My cries are too loud. My grief too physical.

I feel like her death has stolen my whole family. I thought she would take a piece of me. But I fear she took all of me.

My sister in law shared that she isn’t getting messages of condolences, but messages of what a inspiration I am and Jennifer was.

Lies.

I am a pathetic mom right now. I feel like I should know better than any other mother how to appreciate my children and be in the moment. But I can’t. I can’t find it in me.

I screamed at Tony this morning I wasn’t going to shower. I couldn’t wash her off of me.

She is gone. Forever.

She is never coming back.

I don’t think I am strong enough to survive this.

It is so much harder than I ever imagined it would be.

She is gone. Forever.

Am i?

I tried to leave the house yesterday and couldn’t. I am literally terrified to leave. . .her? I don’t even understand it. But it is so strong and palpable. Tony had to go the funeral home with my sister today. . while I laid in bed and a friend cared for Charlotte.

I can’t remember her before she got sick. Its like my memory of her starts on Oct 28th. Her 6th birthday.

. . . forever 6.

i miss you Jennifer.

so much it steals my breath.

forever6.3

 

148 Responses to “forever 6”

  1. Libby please dont EVER worry about having to act or feel a certain way at this time or maybe even forever. You are an honest, real, amazing person. Your children know that and Tony knows that and most of all JLK knows that.
    Just know you have all the love and support in this world. A shoulder to cry on, an ear to scream into or arms to hug you.

    Lot of love xoxo

    1. I agree with you 1000% Melissa. Libby, don’t apologize. Ever. Your feelings are valid, real and palpable. If someone is asking for an apology, they are disregarding you. And you SO do not deserve that. Cry. Scream. Throw your pillows….lay in bed…do whatever it is you need to do. Your feelings are important, and deserve to be expressed.

      I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because I didnt walk this exact journey as you. However, I lost my first child too. It hurts, its raw. My child I never held…so as I said, I can’t fathom a lot of what you feel and went through. But, I know it hurts.

      It wont stop hurting…but it will hurt differently after awhile. My baby has been gone nearly two years….I still cry deep shattering cries…but in between, there are times I can breathe. A little bit….and there are days I hate that too. But I can take it a minute at a time. Sometimes its seconds at a time…

      Allow yourself to feel without guilt. You didn’t bring this on, and you’re a victim of it as much as she was. Allow yourself the time. And don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel…be with those who will let you be, and love you as you are.

      Sending love….from another grieving mom.

    2. My nephew Justin Williamson, has Niemann Pick C. Grief takes on many forms, Don’t bear yourself up over and over. You are entitled to grieve as long as you want and deal with the emptiness and pain. If you need someone to yell at then just do it. I am so sorry that you lost your child. God Bless You and Your Family. Your daughter is very beautiful.

    3. Dear Libby
      You don’t know me. I have been following your story for the past 2 weeks. Every time I see your beautiful girls pictures I smile. She has a light that you can see in her eyes and her smile. Every time I read your posts it is with tears in my eyes and a broken heart for you. I can’t imagine anything worse than what you are experiencing right now.
      I worked in oncology for 18 years so I walked through this with many families. I do know that at some point that the beautiful images of your girl before she got sick will eventually be there as well as those as she got sick. I will continue to pray for you and your family. xoxox

  2. Thinking of you every waking hour. It’s ok not to be strong.Let somebody be strong for you for a while! Sending you all my love from England.

  3. You are not selfish or pathetic. You are so far from that in so many ways. You will get through this. I am praying for you and your dear family. Please know it is not a lie that you, Jennifer and your family have touched many lives for the better and will continue to do so. I am a better mom and person because your story has touched my life. I’m sorry for all your pain I would not know how to go on either and there is nothing wrong with that. Please believe, trust and have faith in God. He will guide you and get you through this with time.

  4. Oh, Libby. I wish I had words to give you some comfort and assure you that you don’t need to feel any guilt, but I know those words don’t exist. Just know that you and your family are surrounded with so much love.

  5. I am so sorry…. I send you all the love and comfort possible. I pray for you and your family every morning. I read your blog as an expression of support. I will read whatever you have to share, as often as you feel inspired. Your not alone. I wish I could do something more.

  6. I wish I could give you a hug and make everything all right for you and your family, your honesty touches my heart and you truly are an inspiration.
    I am so sorry for all this, my prayers are with you. Trust that in time you will find a way to survive for Jennifer’s memory and the rest of your family.

  7. No one will ever have the right words to say. No one will ever know how you really feel inside. But so many will be there for you to help you find your way. You are a strong beautiful soul, that is in so much pain right now. One day you will be okay, but for now you need to grieve. Grieve for your daughter, your baby, your angel. Grieve for all that is and was all that had and will be. Grieve for your heart and let it all out, but always remember you will find your way, you still have four hearts and souls that love you need you and will be there for you as JLK watches from heaven over her brave and beautiful loving mommy that never left her side. A mommy who will forever be loving her always. I’m so sorry for all your pain and loss God bless you and your family in this time of grief. Prayers and love and hold on to your memories.

  8. You are in no way pathetic! You are so much I have no words, and I also know that means nothing. You are Jennifer’s Mommy and that means the most! All you are, were, always will be! And some day…soon for Jonathan, Nicholas and Charlotte.

  9. You do not know me. We have mutual friends. I have cried for you, I have cried with you for weeks. I cannot write about how you will get through this because I don’t know if you will. I don’t know if I could. You mention Jennifer is gone forever, but what you must know I that he is forever with you. That because of you, becaus ofnyour writing, she is forever with your family. She is forever with all of us. I am a mother of a little girl Jennifer’s age. Im a better mother because of you. I am a nurse. I am a better nurse because of you. I thank you for changing my life through your writing. I thank you for changing the way I live my life because you have shared the way you live yours. Thank you Libby…. really truly thank you…..

  10. I read your blog for the first time today, and it breaks my heart. The way you are feeling…it’s ok. This is how you grieve. You have a right to grieve. You will be angry, sad, happy…all at the same time. It will take a long time, and that’s ok, too. I lost my mom to a brain tumor 3 years ago. No, it’s not the same, I know, and I won’t pretend it is. I only know a fraction of how you feel, but I want you to know that I get it. Everything you’re saying…I know. I will pray for God to ease the pain in your heart, so that you can do the things you should. You are loved by so many that you may never even meet.

  11. Please remember she is still hugging you and watching you from above. God needed your angel because there is so much bad in the world, he needs Jennifer to feel good. I feel a lot better knowing that there is someone like Jennifer up there watching over all of us.

  12. Libby as I lay here with tears streaminng down my face and crying with a mother and child I feel like I know..I feel your pain and in my eyes you are the most loving and courageous mother ever..you are not pathetic what’s so ever you are a grieving mother who Just lost the most important part of her life your baby girl..how you deal with your loss is how you will in your own way there’s no instruction book that comes with how your are supposed to deal with a loss of your child.Libby I am here for you, you and your beautiful daughter touched my life in so many ways I can’t even begin to tell you, but I do know I would like to help in any way I can to help keep her memory living on, if it’s fund raiser meeting whatever please count me in..just remember Libby this is something you may never get over but it’s ok you don’t have to we all learn to deal with loss in our own special way..just remember were all here to love and support you and Jennifer will live on through all of us..thank you for sharing her with us she will always be your guardian angel with all the glitter..much love and deepest sympathy.

  13. Surrounding you with love and peace, if that’s possible. It’s all I know how to do. I love your Jennifer, and your whole family, Libby. The only thing I can say for sure is that you are NOT pathetic. How can grief for the loss of your baby EVER be pathetic?

    Loving and praying for the Krantz family from afar <3

  14. Its almost 4am.
    I have three children, one of them a newborn who is sleeping for the first time when its dark out in his life. I haven’t gotten more than 2 hours of sleep in every 24 for almost 8 weeks.

    But I cannot sleep. The loss of Jennifer is to heavily on my heart and mind – and then I remember that it is not one tiny hair of the horror that you are living. My ache for you is so deep. I don’t wan it to be real.

    Its a good thing I don’t believe in God, because Id be hating him and blaming him for his cruelty. Its not every OK for a child to die. EVER. No one will ever be able to convince me different. Fuck “His plan”.

    OH, Libby. Your sweet baby.

    1. Kirsten. I hear your pain and anger at God. But please don’t stay there. If we don’t hope in a heaven or a creator then what can we do with our pain? Jennifer will see her family again. I believe it!!! With all my heart. I will see my young daughter who died years ago. Please don’t give up on God. He does love us and he does have a perfect plan.

  15. I am so sorry seems so inadequate and I wish there were words or actions that could express how much I wish I could have given you and your family more time with Jennifer. You are an inspiration to us. By sharing your beautiful Jennifer with all of us, you have helped us slow down and remember what makes being a mother so special. She knows how much you love her and she is still with you. Her family was the center of her world and she will give you the strength to go on, along with your family and friends (we are all part of that thread in your lives now, too). You are not alone and you are brave, strong and an amazing woman who has fought for her family. Please lean on all of us and let our love and support be there for you, like you have been for so many for so long.

  16. It’s ok to cry. She was(is) a part of u. And yes when she left she did take a part of u. Don’t try to rush the emotions, the pain, let it out. U r a very amazing woman, mother, and wife please don’t forget that. I pray for healing and strength for you and your family. JLK lives in u now!

  17. Oh Libby, it is okay to feel and act, or withdraw as much as you need. The world will understand, and it’s ok. I’m not even going to say take the time you need, because it may be forever. Losing a loved one, let alone a child, is something that stays with you. Your grief will change over time, and that timeline has it’s own pace, and whatever your pace may be, is ok.

    Everything you’re feeling, is ok to feel, and never apologize for your feelings.

  18. Libby & Tony,
    I’m sure everyone wishes they can do something to help,even if it would be for a manor second. But I don’t think we can. I’m so very very very so for your horrible, irreplaceable loss. I’m a tiny bit glad She’s not in pain anymore, I only say tiny because I’m 100% sure you would want her laying on you and hold onto the moment forever. I am very sorry for What you all have to endure every second, for every minute, of everyday.

  19. Continue to talk Libby, to scream, to yell.. To feel. We will listen. No one can tell you how to walk this walk Libby, even those who have suffered the same loss. It’s so personal, so real to you. Even you and Tony may suffer with it in different ways. Just remember to keep talking…

  20. I hope people saying that you are brave and strong and inspirational isn’t adding to your burden, making you feel like you are failing somehow. Maybe your didn’t feel like you were these things while you helped Jennifer through her battle, that you were simply doing what was called for, meeting her needs. Maybe it doesn’t matter if you felt strong or brave, because you were there for her. You don’t have to be those things. You just have to exist, I’m sure right now that it’s all you are capable of and that’s enough. I think most of us here would be doing exactly that and only that. You are living in the moment, it’s just that for now this is what those moments are like. It’s all part of loving her.

    If you feel like writing about it, we are here, I will remain here. I hear you.

  21. Libby,

    I know you said that you feel like its a lie- that you are not an inspiration or courageous- but here’s the thing… your love for Jennifer is not a lie, the words you share are not a lie, your raw emotion and honesty are not a lie. It is real and beautiful and it is who you are and who she was. There is nothing pathetic about grief. There is no road map for this- there is no timeline. Feel what you feel and know that it is normal. Im thinking of you all the time. Your words and your courage to share them – to share Jennifer- have changed lives, literally thousands of lives. She lives on through us- because we are better parents and better people for reading your words and knowing her. Sending you love and peace and more love.

  22. As another mother who has a son who is “forever six”, (the result of cancer), I will give one piece of advice. Take each of the grieving steps when you are ready. I didn’t. I performed my tasks out of the belief that I had to be “supermom, superwife, superwoman…I did them because I had some sense of obligation that I had to be brave, show gratitude, be somehow “relieved” that he died and was no longer suffering. What a crock of shit. This is the time in your life where you put yourself first, not out of selfishness, but necessity to recover. How are your other kids doing? I will tell you, that your daughter’s last twenty-four hours sound a lot like my son’s, and this experience will change you, both for good and bad. SEEK help if you need it, I should have. God bless all of you.

  23. Like many others I don’t know you, but I feel such a connection to you. It’s ok to be selfish, or anything else you are feeling. When my father passed away from a brain tumor almost 10 yrs ago, someone made a comment that my mother didn’t seem upset enough. Greif is so different for everyone, no one knows what they would do in such a situation you are faced with. I think its ok to be selfish. Let your grief overtake you anyway it has to, if people don’t understand, too bad. I know that nothing else I write will make you feel better. Just wanted to let you know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

  24. Libby…I struggle to find the words that I want most to comfort you. But I agree with what Michelle wrote above. Yell, cry, scream and continue to talk and feel your way through this. We are all here for you to help along the way. Thinking of you always.

  25. Libby, you are a terrific, loving, giving mother. You are a beautiful human being. Even though I may be halfway across the country, I’m here for you.

  26. Libby,
    I don’t know you, I haven’t been through what you have just gone through but here is what I do know: I know Jennifer because of you, I know your family because you shared. I grieve for Jennifer because of you. Without your courage and your truly raw blog I would not know Jennifer died. But I do know, I can’t sit back and do nothing because you shared Jennifer with us. Because myself, and many others, fell in love with your little girls clear brown eyes and silly humor. So many of us fell in love with your family, shared your struggles and learned of your past struggles because of you. We know Jennifer was adopted because you couldn’t have kids and we can see the design in all of this. If you had a baby before Jennifer you wouldn’t have had Jennifer and you wouldn’t be inspiring all of us to fight for Jennifer, you wouldn’t be grieving, but you also would not have known your sweet baby. You are part of the legacy Jennifer will leave. You scream cry curl up in bed in a dark room and remember your girl. Don’t shower for a month, who the hell am I to judge you? I would be curled up if it had been my daughter. Tony can curl up next to you and grieve or try to do something physical we can’t judge him either. The boys, and the baby will understand. When you are ready we are all greedy to hear more of your child Jennifer, and more of your three other babies. We are eager to continue through the healing process you must now navigate for life, and we are eager to offer help where we are able.

    Let me leave you with this: You were told your daughter was going to die, you didn’t cling to her and scream why?? You put on a good face for her, you blogged out your desperation, both you and Tony suffered in silence for the protection of those precious kids. You faced every uncertain day knowing a certain ending was guaranteed, you broke down in private you held the baby you were losing through all of her last days and you stayed strong for her. Now she is gone you can finally fall apart without hurting Jennifer. You are inspiring, you are a mother of the strongest kind. You protected Jennifer when you could have selfishly hidden away with her never letting her go. You helped ease her pain, a part of you knew you didn’t want to go, but as a mom you released her knowing you were going to suffer when she stopped suffering. You are inspiring I strive to be half the mom you are. I just want you to know.

    1. Crystal seemed to cover it all. She is right, had you not had trouble having babies you would not have had Jennifer (non of us would). And YOU were meant to be her mom because as many of us who have never met you stated, you didnt just fight the fight YOU are making a difference in pediatric cancer and many lives around the world. One woman was just commenting from England! You have helped make us more compassionate as parents, more aware (no more flipping the Saint Judes commercials with out making a donation). You have actually brought more awareness to this disease then Saint Judes ever could. I Am sorry you and your family have to be the ones to bare this burden for change.
      I have always thought in the back of my head about how I would deal with a missing child or death of one of my children and felt that I to would not be able to go on with life, go back to work, be a parent to my surviving child or functioning wife. Yet to hear you state all of those same fears and feelings just chokes me up and kills me inside knowing that you have to live this now. I am so so sorry for you. But it is true, Thank God you have your parents, family, friends and a loving understanding husband because the other children are small enough to be intertained and taken care of while you grieve, withdrawl, and take the time you need to comprehend what is all going on. You dont have to be strong right now, you did your job in being stong for Jennifer. Now is Your time to breakdown. You have a new extended family through this blog as well as the people here in Gilroy. I am sure everyone cant wait to put there arms around you and truley be there for you if and when you ask. XOXO

  27. It is okay to cry, to scream, to withdraw, to miss Jennifer, to ache and feel like you are not whole. Grieving is a process that takes a lot of time. Take the time to grieve. Know that you are loved and prayed for.

  28. Libby, you don’t have to be strong right now. You lost your baby. Scream loud, cry hard. Get it out. No one lands from a free fall unscathed.

  29. There are no words to express how sorry I am. I send you lots of love and prayers. You deserve love and patience and time to grieve your baby. That doesn’t make you a bad parent, or weak, it actually makes you human, and a superb mama, no matter what you think right now. You are an inspiration, your daughter was equally as inspiring, and it’s ok to take time out for yourself to feel and be. I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through, what you will go through now, but I do know you deserve to be gentle with yourself. I send you a big hug. It won’t change anything, I wish it would, but my hug is of support, of kindness, and of love. You have been so strong and now it’s time for you to let someone else be strong for you so you can grieve. I hate that this happened. It’s not right! Words are all so trite. I’m so so sorry. Sending you love…

  30. I’m so sorry for your loss. Praying that God’s peace and love surround you and your precious family and friends.
    I have walked this road beside my closest friends. Nothing you are saying is surprising or shocking to me. This is what I learned from my friends. Mom’s and Dad’s grieve differently, give each other the grace to do it your way. Lean on friends and family, you are not imposing, they need to be needed. You cannot walk around it, you must walk through it. There is something on the other side, a new light, a new life, a new hope and yes even new love again. It is different but sweet and deep none the less. Prayers to you all.

  31. Oh Libby, you are so amazing! I am in awe over your strength, grace and faith! I am hanging on everyone of your words and I personally take strength from them, from you! Our love and admiration will be with you forever!

  32. Libby, My thoughts and prayers are with you, I live down the street from you and met you at one of your garage sales over a year ago and am so sorry for your loss. Losing a baby boy from SIDS in 1971, I personally know how you feel. My husband and I would go to bed every night crying. I can only tell you that time heals, but you never forget. It’s hard, hard, hard and then some. If it wasn’t for my family and friends and my faith in the Lord I don’t know if I would have ever gotten through it. I felt like part of me was missing. God blessed me with four other children after the death of my son. You will have many blessings to come. What a blessing you have been to Jennifer, your family and many others.

  33. Libby, thank you for sharing this with us, I’m amazed by your strength and grace in all of this. My love and prayers are with all of you at this difficult time.

  34. I, like many of others do not personally know your not jennifer. I have followed this story, her story, from the moment you started sharing it with us. A great friends son died of the same cancer. Forever 11. There simply are not words to express any kind of condolences. But I will thank you. Her story, your families journey through this has made me a better mother. I deal with death on a daily basis thru my line of work. I hear the emotions, I see them first hand. I thought I was numb to death as cold as that sounds. I am not. I cried for you, your famy and I think we are all grieving with you. All in different ways. Grieve the way that helps you. Be selfish. Don’t grieve how you think others need you too. Just. Grieve for her. Thank you for opening the doors to all of us. I know I better having just read about her. Please know every feb 12 from now until forever I for one will always think if her, feb 12 is my birthday. She’ll never be forgotten.

  35. Libby, you are courageous and strong. I’m not one to usually reference bible stories, but I keep thinking about when Jesus was on the cross and how God Himself had to look away. He felt an unbearable pain watching his own son suffer and die. You are suffering and it in no way makes you less courageous or amazing. Just know how much you and your family are loved by both you, Tony, and this community and know and we will never walk away from your family. Anything you EVER need just say. We will do anything for you. You and God know the amazing things you’ve done for us and we are forever grateful. I am so sorry this has happened. So much love. I wish I had a better way with words to make things better but I just want you to know we are thinking of you ALWAYS. <3 Kevin and Liz

  36. Libby
    I don’t even know what to say. You are not being
    Selfish… The opposite. You are letting people
    Learn about Jennifer and her illness and your raw
    Emotions. I can not understand how dark it feels but
    Please remember how much you and Jennifer have
    Touched so many lives. People that never known of
    This disease. I cry for your pain and think of you
    Often. You have a wonderful family. Let them
    Help you so you can grieve. I know Yvonne and
    How much family means. Please know we are thinking of you

  37. Dear Libby,

    You don’t know me but I too have walked the path of infertility and loss. I’m so so sorry for this. For all of this. Words mean nothing and can’t help but I truly am sorry and have been keeping you close in thought and prayer. You are cared for by those who you don’t even know.

  38. No words… But we’ll continue to be there for you and your family any way that we can. Rage against the world, rage against us…we’ll still be there for you. We love you more than words can say.

  39. I am so sorry for your loss and other mothers who have lost their beautiful children. They say things happen for a reason but I’m not one of them because I’ve never been able to understand.

    I lost my mom 5 years ago to Cancer. She loved her grandchildren and great grandchildren, they were her life. After reading your blog I had a vision of her in heaven loving all the children.

  40. Oh my heart weeps for you !!! You will be changed forever,different ,new …life will be a “whole new world ” grief has no right or wrong..no time limit. No one has any expectations of you at this time , do what gets you thru the day. I will pray for you and your family daily… DIPG is a horrible horrible monster and I’m so sorry it showed up at your door !!!!!

  41. And now I cry. It is okay to not “be strong” right now. It is okay to miss her so very much. I will be praying for you. It is hard to find words because words are never enough. But we will love on you, even as “strangers”. And Jennifer WILL be a puzzle piece in making sure one day that families do not have to endure this hell.

  42. Libby you are an amazing Mom, JLK knows it. As you looked over her hoping and praying to get well. She is looking over you and thru her strenght you will be ok. Its ok to cry you have been thru a lot. Love you and your family

  43. It is not selfish to want your children healthy and alive with you. It is not selfish to grieve. Be gentle with yourself. Grieve without pressuring yourself to feel certain ways. Try to quiet your mind and just listen and maybe the answers will come to you. Breathe.

    x peace love compassion

  44. Gosh, if crying until you can’t cry any longer over the passing of your child is pathetic, then there are many, many pathetic people in this world. You are not pathetic. And there is nothing, nothing wrong with how you grieve. So go ahead and cry. Sit in the bed and stare at the wall. Scream at the top of your lungs and beat the mattress. You are allowed to grieve and grieve in your own way. Please don’t discredit yourself for loving your child. Ever.

  45. Libby,
    Screw the “shoulds”. You get a pass on everything right now. I hated it when people “reminded” me to focus on my son when I lost baby P. That’s a given. They have no clue. It’s because you are the best mother ever that you feel this to your core. It would be the same for any one of them.
    Love,
    Corrie

  46. Your grief shows how deep your love for Jennifer is. This is not a time to be proper or selfless. Your body will do what it needs to do and your mind will do the same. Don’t fear judgment, just be. I pray that God sends you signs of Jennifer’s peace and healing and that you have many moments where she is made present to you in your hardest moments. When I thought of you this morning, I thought about the Footprints prayer. Only I hope Jennifer is with you on that sand holding your hand through this.

  47. Please allow yourself to process however you need to. Life will never be the same. You have an amazing support system, ready to allow you to stay at home, unshowered, selfish, with no judgements whatsoever. Sending all the love & strength I can muster.

  48. You have been so strong for so long making sure everyone else was ok. Now you are broken forever but one day you will start picking up the pieces slowly, one at a time till one day you find a different normal. To quote a cancer fighter from our city “You don’t know how strong you are till you have no other choice.” You have kids that need you and you are such a wonderful mom you will take care of them too. One day, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day soon.

  49. Grief sucks, Libby. And culturally we suck at it. We don’t allow people the time and space or the support and love they need to grieve. We insist that people instantaenously pick up and live. Give yourself and your family grief. Scream, cry, wail, laugh, sing, hug…do what you need. And know that people love you and care for you and will, no matter what.

  50. There is no specific timeline for all the emotions you feel. Crying, relief, screaming, silence, heartache, darkness, light, peace, sadness. Don’t ever let anyone tell you it’s too much, too long, too short, not enough. It is what it is and it was born from the love you have for your daughter. That love will never die. Thank you for sharing your story and continuing to share your story. Blessings and prayers to you and your family.

  51. There is absolutely no wrong way for you to feel or act right now! We are here to listen to you, to be mad at or to…whatever you need.

  52. Jlks song

    The most beautiful smile,
    The most wonderful glow,
    The sweetest princess pure as snow,
    The brightest light we will ever know,
    We loved her then we love her now,
    We will see her again someday somehow,

    Now she’s teaching the angels how to sing and to dance.
    She’s teaching the angels how to shine like the sun.
    She’s teaching the angels how to have fun.

    She sparkled here and she’s still sparkling now,
    She’s the brightest star you will ever see,
    She had Glitter in her veins from the day she was born,
    Here to inspire us all to do more.

    Now she’s teaching the angels how to sing and to dance.
    She’s teaching the angels how to shine like the sun.
    She’s teaching the angels how to have fun.

    I wrote this for sweet Jlk!

  53. Libby, it’s ok to feel shattered. You have been through absolute hell & need time to mourn. No one can place a time frame on how long or dictate “what’s an appropriate way” to let go of someone so precious. Everyone grieves in their own time.

    You are a warrior! You faced Jennifer’s cancer with ferocity, courage, grace & determination. The world needs more “Mommy Warriors” like you Libby! Like you beautiful glitter princess, you truly are amazing.

  54. Elizabeth. . .you have been and will continue to be the best mom ever! You need to allow yourself this time to grieve so that you can return to that strong person that you are. . .the “old” Elizabeth will return, she won’t be exactly the same person as before but she will be a fantastic mom, her strength will be found again and it will be channeled to Jennifer’s memory and the fight for more funding for pediatric cancer research and treatments so that one day there will be for children and families affected by this horrific disease! As always. . .sending love and prayers for peace within and without!

  55. Remember the depth and core of who you are. Remember your strength and inner light. Remember where you came from and where you have been. Remember that nothing can destroy you. Life can only make you bigger, better, brighter, and stronger. What you did for cancer research is lighting the way for others. Think of this not as your work or even your purpose, but as your destiny. You are empowering, brilliant, creative and inspiring. This is not easy. It’s going to be hard. I know you Libby! You are a fighter! Please get up, please get out there and fight!

  56. Libby, your family is inspiring not because you are doing it perfectly, but because you are baring your soul with such honesty. You are shining the light of love on our worst nightmare as parents. We are with you, holding space, and hugging you from far away. We are pissed for you too. Love and light, even in all this darkness.

  57. libby, i felt like i was reading an excerpt from my journal 20 years ago when we lost our baby girl. my comfort then was seeing other women who also lost their babies actually functioning…forever touched, never the same, but functioning. they were a wonderful inspiration to me and i remember thinking that i too wanted to be an inspiration to other women…forever touched, never the same. our kate would be 20 in a few days, yet we still speak of her. her big sister says what a great babysitter she would have been to her daughter. her brothers wonder if she would have been away at college or started her career. our family photos are not the same without her. but as i write this i know she is at home in heaven, the only home she ever knew, with our Heavenly Father and recently, her daddy. yes we are forever touched, never the same. you will breathe again, you will shower, you will drive, you will be a mommy, you will be a wife. in your time, you will…forever touched, never the same, but you will.

  58. Thank you for sharing your very real, very raw feelings. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through. I’m crying with you.

  59. Libby heal in your own way and in your own time. It will take time. It paralyzes you but you will find a way to get up but only when its time. Remember to take a long walk and have a long talk with God. You have every right to be crazy mad its beyond devastating even thats a nicer word. Cling on to every piece oh her and her memory its yours. Dont rush. You will know when its time to take the next baby step. Then catch every moment with your children everyday is a gift-except it when your ready to open it.

  60. Libby, the very idea that you’re feeling like somehow you’re pathetic, or doing something wrong, or how you’re feeling or behaving is wrong in any way- well, it breaks my heart. But it also makes me angry. Whatever you feel, however loud you scream, however long you wait to shower, it’s ALL RIGHT. Your first born, your girl, your baby has been stolen from you. Your grief and rage and anguish are all ALL RIGHT. You are in a place right now that no parent should ever be. There are no rules for this. The boys and Charlotte will be waiting for you. You’ll be there. If it’s not right this second, that’s okay. Please, please, please- DO NOT feel guilty. You are (as everyone will agree,) allowed to wrap yourself in a blanket of grief. Drown in your tears. Feel the deep ache of what you’ve lost. You had no control over any of this. And it’s f*ed up, it’s insanely unfair. If there were some way I could absorb some of your pain into myself, I would, because you having to shoulder this kind of pain (a pain so deep and wracking ONLY a mother can feel this way-) all by yourself seems like a punishment that should be shareable. You are loved. Jennifer is loved. Go on and do what you need to do. Life (and all that goes with it,) will be waiting patiently.

  61. Your blogs are so touching. I couldnt imagine for a min what your feeling. I just want you to know this…..Jennifer is a BEAUTIFUL ANGEL…She is with you every single step of this. She no longer feels pain, she is forever smiling and dancing in her glitter dress. As much as you want to lay down and give up. Jennifer would NEVER want that. She is living in those babies. They need you just as much as Jennifer did. They need their mommy. I know right now you feel like you cant go on, but you have too. Those little ones you have need their mommy. I cant help it I cry everytime you blog. I cry like a baby. Because Jennifer was loved by all of us. That smile those big eyes. She was so so happy!! Even though she was going through all of it. What a beautiful soul she has. If there is anything us as a community can do please just mention it and we will make it happen. God bless

  62. WOW. I am completely overwhelm with emotion after reading this. This is just so incredibly horrifying and loving all at once. What would I do if it were me? Would I be the same? Yes. I believe I’d be falling apart as well. My daughter has a pleasant childlike smell to her that i like to sniff on her pillow when I make the bed. It’s her smell. I think I actually felt for a moment your pain of showering. Wow. Life must go on though. You have other children that need you. For now, you can’t be so hard on yourself for allowing yourself to grieve. Let it out and when you are done, try to let it go. I don’t know if that is actually possible but I’ll be checking back to see how that goes. As weird as this is, this page just made my day. Im so glad i clicked the link to see what this was all about. Im sad, but I’m happy. What a strange feeling.

  63. Our hearts are breaking with yours. We are walking along side you, and while we can’t go into the same darkness you have to experience, we are here, witnessing it for you so you are not alone. Thank you for sharing with us. Sending strength to weather the pain.

  64. Libby & Tony,
    No earthly words can console..only Him. In the depths of grief I know it is hard to pray, so as the Body, Karl and I (along with countless others) stand in the gap. We stand (an active posture) in (suggesting the hole that is in your heart and lives) the gap (the space between you and the Lord – if it is tiny or miles long). We pray “Dear Heavenly Father, your word instructs to first in all things, give thanks…so we thank you, authentically and specifically for the gift that is Jennifer. We thank you that you knew exactly who to send – to call out of eternity to make Elizabeth and Tony parents, to teach them to love..to truly love. Love which suffers and is sacrificial. You know the sacrifice of a lost child. The experience may not be what the world or our human expectation would want or even be equipped to bear, but we are not made for here. Bear it with them, for them. This is not our home, Jennifer is home! We are thankful that she is with you. Yesterday, the sky and clouds were iridescent and pink, I gave thanks for the reminder that Elizabeth and Tony’s glitter girl is with you. Also,for the reminder to look up and to Lift up. Lord, forgive us if we try to fix this in anyway, anything we say or do in earnest may be wrong. So I pray we remember to lift up our precious friends to you, ask for your comforting arms and spirit to hold and console. For your words to speak and your LOVE to always be demonstrated. Thank you that you have perfectly orchestrated the people that will surround the Kranz, Scharrenberg and Calcagno families in your LOVE. So on the humanely created day of LOVE, we remember. We give thanks, and we remember that your body and blood was for such a time as this…that when nothing else can penetrate or repair… only you Jesus, Amen”

  65. Libby,

    I am so angry for all of this. I wish I could take just a tiny part of your hurt away. I wish I could be there for you …for you to just haul off and scream at…..and I don’t even know you. I just wish I could help…even in the stupidest way. I’m so hurt for you. I’m just so sorry.

    I beg to differ with your “lies” statement. I don’t even know you and you have taught me more than you will ever know. You have made differences beyond your comprehension. Trust the masses. Were all saying the same thing. You are truly an INSPIRATION. You are strong and amazing. You are EVERYTHING Jennifer needed. You could not have done better with her. She knew your love….I could see it & feel it.

    All my love & thanks…and sorrow.

  66. Dearest Libby, I have lived through the grief of losing a child. While my experience is nothing like how you lost Jennifer, the grief is the same. All consuming. All the time.Please know that other mothers of angels are standing around you and supporting you however we can.

  67. Libby, your feelings are yours and no one can tell you how to feel or grieve or act. For everyone loss is dealt with in many different ways. I am so sorry you have to go through this and yes, it will be hard and difficult many days and the grief will never leave you. Please though keep talking, keep expressing how you feel because it will help. It will never make it go away but you will feel better for sharing. You are not alone and you have an amazing community to rely on who loves you and your family, that is evident. Thank you for sharing your story and though we may never meet I want to let you know that your daughter and your family and you have touched me so deeply in a way that words could never express.

  68. This has been a breathe takingly beautiful beyond heartbreaking journey you have shared. There is not a single selfish bone or moment in your body. You are an exceptional mother which shows in the concern you have for needing a tiny bit of time to grieve before helping your children grieve. You have dealt with something terrible and heart breaking with the utmost grace. Your blog is eloquent and brings the light of warmth and affection into the dark chasm you are in. My grandson was JLK’s classmate and they shared their gluten free lifestyle’s. Jennifer helped Nicolas realize he is not alone in his gluten free world. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful and very personal out pouring of thought with us, please know that you and your family are a light shining through the dark.

  69. My heart breaks for you, I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling. Please don’t apologize for taking time to grieve, rage, cry, scream…you have more than earned that right. Take all the time YOU need, and don’t worry about anyone else’s timeline or expectation. Everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way.

    You are strong and you are an inspiration, even if you don’t feel it now. I hope someday you will. You have inspired me to fight against this horrible disease, and you have helped me to remember what is really important and to re-prioritize accordingly.

    You and your family are in my thoughts daily, and I pray for peace for all of you.

  70. I am so very very unimaginably sorry and angry that Jennifer is gone from your life. Heal how you need to-screaming, crying, whatever you need to do to let out the grief. I can imagine it’s intolerable. I know nothing any of us say will make you feel better. How could it? And don’t feel bad about mothering right now. Let someone else carry that burden for awhile. You NEED time to let yourself mend. I hope you can know how much we all love and support you in this time…you are never alone. Jennifer will always be looking over her family from heaven and enjoying the watermelon scent. 🙂 She will NOT be forgotten. She (and you) have touched my life irrevocably. You have an ally in me in the fight for pediatric cancer. I know you will do great things in memory of sweet Jennifer.

  71. You were strong for Jennifer when she needed it most – look at the pictures in these posts – you were there with her, by her side, through something neither one of you should ever have had to go through. You were her rock. You will be for your children as they go through this horrible time. Don’t apologize for taking time to grieve and be angry for your beautiful baby girl. For all of us following your blog, you have touched us more than you will ever know. Thinking of you and your family.

  72. Libby, I’m truly sorry this happened to you, your family and Jennifer. What you are going thru, those feelings, those scary feelings is because of your HUGE LOVING CARING being. You’re the Mother we all dream to have and Jennifer was so lucky to have you and of course Tony, her brothers and sister, all whom are lucky to have you too. I felt and still feel after a year those kind of feelings for my Dad. He past from cancer too. I was super close to him. My Dr. ended up giving me a small dose sleeping pill because I had horrific dreams if I actually fell asleep which was rare. You may not want that but you need your sleep too. Know that crying is not a weakness. It’s ok. It’s ok to share this deep pain and sorrow, loud cries and all your emotions w your close love ones. It’s ok. I will keep praying for you and I send you my deepest most sincere condolences.

  73. Libby, I am heart broken for you. Always know that you and Jennifer are inspiring. You may not think so, but it is true. Also know that we aren’t going anywhere. Whenever you need us, we will be here. Always. Love and prayers for you my friend.

  74. no parent should eve have to experience the death of their child i am so sorry and still what a beautiful story so much love i am happy that you got to have her so beautiful the love you and your daughter shared i an so sorry she was taken so soon but still happy that you got to have the time you had with her namaste

  75. Dearest Libby,
    Give yourself time to greave in your way and in your own time. Time heals all.
    You are a inspiration to everyone.
    Maybe God Bless and keep you and you family in His love and comfort always.

  76. Dear Libby, You have to feel everything that you are feeling. It’s all true, it’s all real and oh so cruel. I’m so sorry you have to through this, but you do. And I promise that we won’t leave you. I’m so sorry that we couldn’t do more.

  77. Although I don’t know you personally, I can just tell from your words that you are an amazing woman and such an inspiration to others. You are so strong and such an amazing mom and your daughter will always be with you… no matter where she is. Thank you for sharing your story.

  78. Art and I send our condolences and prayers to you and your family. There are so many beautiful messages posted today and amen to all of them. Jennifer is with God but what a mark on this world she has left and thank you so much for sharing her with us.

  79. Libby take all the time you need to grieve. I have been thinking of you and your family… Of Jennifer… All day, the last few days. I wish I lived closer so I could just give you a long hug and let you cry- no words needed. You and your family is so loved- Jennifer IS so loved- not was so loved. I am sitting at my desk trying not to cry but I can’t fight it. This was not fair- is not fair. But it is what it is and if any of us could- we would change it. Sending you so much love- so many prayers. And you are wrong- YOU ARE inspirational. I am just in awe as a mother…

  80. Libby, we write tributes to your love and fortitude and to Jennifer’s bravery and beauty, in part because we cannot bear to let her go, either. It is a way to hang onto the thread spun by her tragedy, and by your beautiful writing about it. We will hang on until you call us to action in the cause of pediatruc cancer. Meanwhile, you have our deepest condolences.

  81. You are shattered, not selfish. I am so heartbroken for your whole family. I am so thankful that you have the support so you can grieve as you need to. I am further thankful for your candor and your resolution to help when you can. You are inspiring for being so raw and so resolute. I am so so sorry this has happened. I’m just wrapping you up in love.

  82. You are not selfish, you are a grieving mother. You have ever right to feel whatever you feel, so please do. Know that so many of us are holding you clsoe to our hearts and I wish healing for you, Tony and the family. You are an inspiration, as is Jennifer. She will never be forgetten.

  83. Libby,
    The grief will never truly leave, but neither will the love you shared. It’s not fair that you lost your little girl. I am so so sorry.

  84. Libby,

    My heart hurts for you. My stomach feels sick for you.

    My 3 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare brain disease last summer and we thought we were going to lose her. I remember being with her and my other 2 children, feeling like I should be soaking up the time with them-laughing, hugging them, playing games, appreciating every minute. But more often than not, I was paralyzed with fear. I would literally freeze in place, break into a sweat, tears would just start falling–it literally felt like I wasn’t even in my body anymore. I could not function. This was just at the THOUGHT of losing her. My worst fear has not materialized, and I hope and pray to a God I don’t know if I believe in that it never will. But yours has. Physical reactions to grief and emotional distress are unstoppable. You ARE living in the moment right now. You are living in the moments you need to experience and work through before anything else can happen. There is no need to rush yourself to feel anything other than what you’re feeling now.

    I hate that this happened to Jennifer and to you and to your family. I wish I had something more inspiring to say to make you feel “better”, but know that I will keep your family in my thoughts.

    Lindsey

  85. I cry as I read this. My heart breaks as a mother for you. You are an inspiration that you can even breath after this terrible unfair loss.
    May you some day have peace. God bless you.

  86. Rest, Cry, Scream, Remember, Hold, Laugh, Pray, Cuss, and Cry more. We all grieve with you, right along side of you for your Jennifer. NEVER feel selfish!! NEVER regret!! ALWAYS remember, EVERYTHING even the worst. NEVER let go!! We all hurt for you and pray that this horrible pain will stop with Jennifer’s donation. She will live on in many ways! Glitter will never look the same to me again! You are a strong mama, one that needs to heal and that doesn’t have a timeline. Do what you can when you can, love those other babies as much as you can but remember she is NEVER really gone! <3

  87. I continue to pray for your entire family and all of the lives JLK touched and continues to touch. My hope is for all to remember what joy she brought into this world and the world is a better place because of it.

  88. My heart hurts reading your post. Just like it did yesterday. I just want to scream out to the Heavens to Jennifer, “Come back! Your mommy needs you!” I’m so sorry you had to ever start a blog in the first place. So much to pray for. So many to pray for. I’m praying for it all. Just know that Jennifer is not the only hero, you are, too. The grace and courage you have is immeasurable. Now it’s time to let others pour into you what you poured into Jennifer while your heart is broken.

  89. Grief is unexplainable. Irrational. Do not judge yourself. You are in my every thought. There are more people than you will ever know caring for you right now.

  90. Oh my heart is so breaking for you. I feel your pain so strongly. I have lost 2 children. There are no words, nothing to do that will help you right now. You do what you need to do to survive each minute right now. You scream, cry whatever helps you. It is so unfair. I remember feeling like I had a big hole in my body. A big chunk of me was gone. Fly with the angels little Jennifer. I send my love and prayers to your family as they try to move on without you. God Bless you.

  91. Libby, I’m glad you are grieving loudly and physically. Shake the walls. Shake the foundation. Losing JLK was astronomical and your body is telling what it needs to do. Your connection with your daughter was so profound that its temporary severing calls for it. Thank God you were able to experience those last hours with her. There is a strange grace to telling someone it’s okay to go, a really fucked-up exaltation to watching them do it. MY HEART IS WITH YOU TODAY AND ALWAYS.

  92. Hello Libby!my name is Gloria and I am in Dallas,I am so very sorr for your loss,she was a beautiful little girl!She is in the best care now, and know that God is right next to you during this hard time you are going through!he will never leave your side but it will be one day at a time.when I was reading the way you wrote about your little girl,I started crying right at my desk because I felt your pain through your words,I wish I could do more for you to ease your pain but I can’t all I can do is pray for you and put you in Gods hands beacause only he knows how to console you in a greater way that surpasses all understanding!But know that we all love you! and I will be here to support you durung this hard time of grief in anyway I can ok? maybe in the future you can put all of her art up for us to see,so that her memory will live on forever!God bless you sweetheart!

  93. You were both very brave. Hats off. All my love for you and know that she will not be forgotten. You will see her around you, in every little things, in glitters used by little girl, in the wind and leaves, everywhere…always part of you.

  94. I stayed in bed for two weeks. TWO. WEEKS. Then I left the country. It’s hard and painful. Sometimes you think you will never stop crying other times you think you have cried so much you will never be able to cry again. You will survive this but, you shouldn’t have to. No mother should have to survive this. Be kind to yourself. Follow your instincts about where to be and what to do. If your instinct says go to bed and cry, then do it, for as long as you need to. If your instinct says don’t eat for three days, then don’t. Be your own best friend right now. Don’t even try to deal with anyone else. I am so sorry, so so very, very sorry.

  95. Oh Libby. My heart breaks for you. For your pain, for your loss.

    There is no right way to loss anyone, there is no right way to grieve a loss. Do what you have to do. Right now that is the most important thing there is.

    I cried when I first lost my Mom and then I couldn’t cry for weeks. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want to hear how good of a fight she put up or how brave we all were. As you said Lies. No one will really understand because everyone’s grief is different. They can try but they won’t get it.

    I am so very sorry. You all will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  96. I keep trying to reply with comforting expressions but can’t find many good or adequate sentiments. I ache for you. My god.

    My parents lost their first infant. My mom said later “it never gets better, it just gets easier to handle.” She brought that up when I went through a hard time and I felt it was pretty right on.

    You love your kids insanely. You’re an incredible mother.

  97. I’ve never written on a blog before but I feel the need. Let me apologize in advance for language;-) Libby, I think it is unfair and wrong that you have to learn to be a mother again. I think it’s bullshit. Its bullshit that you will have to learn breath again, let alone parent your other little ones. You WILL do it, but it’s not fair that you have to. I think it’s bullshit that there are so few resources for childhood cancer. I will help work for a cure in any capacity I can because of people like you. Thank you for sharing your family with so many. You are in my prayers.

  98. There are no words but there are many many hearts praying and sending love and offering strength in any form you can take it. I offer wholeheartedly my wish for you and your family to find peace. As long and as often as you wish your words to be shared, I embrace them and send faithful energy back to you.

  99. I have been watching your story and I cannot imagine what Jennifer and your family have endured. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 28 and I thought it was awful, but I cannot imagine your position and trials with Jennifer. I pray for you and your family for strength during this difficult time. You are an inspiration (even though you don’t feel like one) in that you will and have educated people on pediatric cancer and I know will make a difference in the lives of others from your story. I was too ashamed and afraid to share my real thoughts with the world about my treatments and I have read your blog posts and they are amazing and raw. Your other children will grow up knowing that their mom and dad are and sister was amazing and such an important part of their lives. Bless you and your family and I will continue to keep you in my prayers.

    And though I don’t know you I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope that you eventually find some peace knowing she is with our creator and cancer free!

  100. OH Libby….you are a real person, a real mother. You are not supposed to lose your child and watch them suffer. You need the time to grieve. I lost my mom on August 2nd of last year and I still cry daily and know that pain. I don’t know what or how I would handle if it was my daughter (5). I can only imagine how hard it is. So your feelings, thoughts, rage, anger are all validated. Give yourself time….My prayers are for you and Tony, and the boys. I hope they are so young that they can focus on the happy memories. God Bless you…

  101. You ARE an inspiration. You are NOT a bad mom. You are grieving…exactly as you should be…it is “normal” and expected and does not make you any less of a mother to your other babies.

    And when and if you need us, we will be here. We are not going anywhere. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. Thank you for trusting us. We will always be here for you.

    Love, so very much love, to you.

  102. You are an inspiration! Not because you are suppose to be strong all the time, but because you are honest. You have shared with us so many deeply personal thoughts and feelings, no matter how painful. You’ve always been honest and you have fought for your daughter and for others. As for what anyone says you’re supposed to be doing right now…? Screw it. You do what you need to do to grieve this incredible loss. There are so many people that love you and your children that they will be well cared for until you’re ready. I will keep praying for you for strength and peace and love.

  103. I dont have words to comfort you. It is hard for me to imagine the deep, excruatiating pain you are feeling. But I am here, I am reading, I am amazed by your strength, inspired by your ability to share with us. I am praying for you and your beautiful family. Let your body grieve, let the sobs out. This is a loss no one should have to bear, you are a wonderful mother Libby. Sending so many love and hugs to you.

  104. Libby, I wish I had the words that would make you feel better, but truth is that there are no words or anything that anyone can do to make you feel better. My heart hurts when I read your blog. Please give yourself all the time you need to grieve, which when I think of it, it prob will be forever. You will learn a new normal and function again but take your time. Im soooo sorry that you are so broken hearted. Please know that I am praying for your strength.

  105. You are not a pathetic mom. On the 12th I was absolutely seething with anger at my own 6-year-old daughter because she was putting up such an awful fight over completing her homeschool lessons. Learning that you lost yours on that very same day makes me feel so ashamed at having been so angry about a matter that now seems so trivial. May God forgive me, and may He sustain you in your time of need. And thank you for sharing your experience; this blog is a wake-up call for parents who take their children’s lives for granted.

  106. Its not crazy at all that you knew. You will be okay. You WILL be okay. I dont know what to say so I am going to put a quote I heard the other day …God doesn’t give us more than we can handle .. he must think I am a bad ass. (Grins) a million hugs and prayers and warm thoughts to you. You will always be in my heart.
    Baby girl … run and play and sprinkle the entire universe with glitter!!

  107. Big hugs, Libby. I wish I had some magic potion to take away some of the hurt, but I don’t. But we will be here for you – in any way you need, whenever you need. You’re in my prayers…

  108. Dear Libby
    I admire you! Your strength and love for JLK is just amazing, thank you for letting me read about and get to know Jennifer and your family. God has plans, amazing plans for you, God gives the worst battles to his best soldiers and you are one of them. God give you Jennifer for a reason, she couldn’t have a better mom you’re an inspiration to me .You are not pathetic you are a human being with feelings and it’s ok not to be strong, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to scream, no body knows your pain, I can’t even imagine your pain. You are always in my prayers. Sending you lots of love and respect. Forever JLK….

  109. You don’t know me, but my heart hurts for you. I cried reading of the amount of pain you are in. Your honesty is heartwarming and beautiful. Writing has allowed me to learn of your daughter and the hero she has become. Xoxo

  110. Libby, there are no words. I’m so very very sorry for all you have had to go through and the loss of Jennifer. My heart aches and I cry for you. You are such a strong beautiful person. You may not feel it in this dark time but you inspire so many.

  111. Libby, you and Jennifer ARE an inspiration, I promise you I will never forget and I will walk with you on your journey to fulfill your promises. Even though I have never met you or Jennifer I am deeply affected by your loss and Jennifer is always in my heart and on my mind. I’m grieving and sending you all my love and prayers.

  112. People may tell you that they know what you are going through – they do not – unless they have lost a child! It we are not physically or mentally built to go through what you have gone through. It is not meant for children to die before their parents and it doesn’t matter how strong a person is, it is the most difficult thing you will have to endure in your lifetime. A part of you has gone so the big piece of your heart that has been ripped out will always be missing and will ache forever. Unless a person has experienced this, they can never know what you are going through – god forbid we don’t wish it on ANY parent. I understand that your body and mind is working in overdrive which is why you will not remember bits and pieces of your current life – your mind is allowing you to get through the times ahead. To keep going and keep sane is going to be difficult, but hopefully your family and close friends will surround you and identify what you need – when you need it. Everyone grieves differently and for different periods and I know from past experience that although people say time heals, I don’t believe that for one second. Time passes – it doesn’t heal. Huggs from me to you

  113. Dear Libby, there are no words to take away the pain you, Tony and family are experiencing, my heart breaks for you. Eleven months ago my granddaughter (forever 7) lost her fight with the same nasty cancer as your beautiful daughter.
    My thoughts, prayers and much love and hugs are with you all.
    From a grieving Grandma in Australia xxxxxx

  114. As someone who fought cancer, I understand the fight she and your family went through. As a mother I can not begin to imagine losing a child. I have family members and friends that have lost a child to illness and accidents and all I can do is grieve for them and their loss. We are not supposed to bury our Children. My heart goes out to you and your family. Many prayers to all of you.

  115. You have been so strong for Jennifer for so long. My heart aches for you, but I am also in awe of your strength. You don’t need to have a brave face anymore. No one can feel your pain as deeply as you. I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine your pain. You will always be your sweet angel’s Mommy.

  116. You don’t know me, but I have been following your blog since the beginning. As a mother of three little ones ages 6, 5, and 3…although you don’t believe me yet, you..AND Jennifer are an inspiration. Your LOVE …your raw, bold, beautiful, unmistakable LOVE for your precious baby girl is something that devastating disease called cancer never had a chance at stealing. I pray that you find peace in knowing that you are more than expected to be able to grieve as long, hard, and painfully as you need to. You don’t know me, but I will NEVER forget you or Jennifer as you’ve both made an everlasting imprint on my heart. <3

  117. There are NO words that I can say that will bring you comfort. But I pray that God bring your family peace and comfort. I HATE CANCER! It’s a thief in the night and I PRAY that a cure is found. I just lost my father to that evil disease and I hurt. But, I know that my hurt will NEVER be anything compared to the pain that a mother must feel losing a child. Please know that we are praying hard for you, your family and all that knew her.. Texas Sends lots of love and prayers to you all. Fly high baby girl!

  118. Thank you so much for sharing this with everyone. This post is so heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. What ever you do, do not ever give up.

  119. I am so sorry for your loss. I know, there are no words anyone can say to you right now. But you have always been one of the strongest people I’ve known, even this many years after high school. Thank you for sharing your story. It took leagues of courage.

    Love,

    Anisha

  120. I pray for His grace to help you bear your grief and bring you to a place of peace, eventually. I am so so sorry. My mother’s hospice nurse told me “we struggle to come into this life and we struggle to leave it.” I hadn’t expected it either. As you said, I think we do expect it to be peaceful and it’s not. But your beautiful daughter has her peace now and is loving you even more perfectly, because she has been perfected. I pray you will feel her comforting you. Give yourself time. Accept others help. Let them love you. Eventually you’ll learn to live with the hole in your heart, because I know it will never go away.

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