memories

My daughter.

I only know my Jennifer in pictures now. And she changed so much after the above one was taken.. I hardly remember her with chubby cheeks like that…

How would she have changed in the nearly two years we lost?

It used to be I could look through photos of her and not cry. But now I do nearly every time. I don’t really understand that. How as time goes on the pain gets more precise and sharp. I used to be able to talk about her without fighting the tears.. now I almost always do. The words catching often. .. my thoughts swimming away from what I am saying off to memories.. and a different place.

I look at this picture and I wonder.. that glare in her eye.. is that a glimmer I could have noticed?
I look at this picture and I wonder.. that glare in her eye.. is that a glimmer I could have noticed?

My memories .. the only place I can find her or touch her anymore.

And I am scared to allow myself to remember. To close my eyes and touch her in my mind because I know when I open them up she will be gone.

are you here right now jennifer? sitting next to me as i cry?

I want to believe I want to trust in it. But its so much harder than just that. My skin rises up .. just hyper aware of trying to feel her.

I yearn for the physical touch from her. I want it again.. in more than just my own mind. I want the warmth that life can bring.

I leave a space next to me on the couch.. I am covered up in her blanket. ..

I pause and hold my breath.. maybe then I will feel her.

exhale..CSC_0502

I try to remember what her long skinny fingers felt as they reached for me. As they locked themselves in mine. I think I can still..

i think so

And I leave my outstretched hand open hoping .. yearning. . to be filled just for a moment.

just a moment. i need just one more moment with you.

I still haven’t had her come to see me in my dreams. I believe they can visit us. She has come to everybody else in our family. . ..

please baby please

IMG_0076..until there is a cure..

 

 

6 Responses to “memories”

  1. So much love for you all. May she come to you in your dreams soon. We love you Jennifer ♡ We love you Kranz Family ♡

  2. Some people say they can not connect with us if we feel so much pain, anger or despair. I believe she will find you in your dream when you feel less hurt. I only ever dreamed with my grandmother 2x since she died, one right after her funeral and she was telling me she was “alive”. The second time 22 years later this October when I visited her old house.
    I am sure Jennifer is sitting with you on that sofa, she just can not touch you from the other world. But she will find you one day don’t give up. xxx

  3. there is something about that time, right before you wake up, when it happens. I’m not even sure if it was a dream but my dad calling my name – about five years after he passed – and waking me up. It was almost like he was trying to tell me something but the only words he could get through were my name. I didn’t dream of him before that and I haven’t since. I read later that mediums believe that we are the most open to it in our subconscious at that time. I hope she comes to you soon, Libby, and I absolutely hate that I have to say to you that I hope your daughter comes to you in a dream. What a horrible thing for one mom to have to say to another, ever.

  4. It’s still so hard to believe that this happened. All that you are saying makes sense. Know that Jennifer will never be forgotten nor that she belongs to you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *