unrequited best friend

It’s happening. Jonathan is surpassing his big sister. Last week he sat next to me and he read. He opened up a book and he read.

She was so close to it. She really wanted to learn how. Now when I want her to know the words I write I say them aloud. Because she can’t read.

I was trying to meal plan for Thanksgiving. Thinking of what I wanted to make.. I was already feeling the missing shape of her in our lives. And I heard him. Finger to page. Word by word. He was reading. And I cried.

She was so proud of herself for taking down that giant turkey leg.
She was so proud of herself for taking down that giant turkey leg.

For him. Proud of him and his accomplishment. And so sad for never getting to have that moment with Jennifer.

Soon he will outlive her. Soon it will all be new to me.

A mom for 8 years yet I am experiencing all the firsts with my 6 year old. That just shouldn’t be possible.

She would have been so proud of him. She would have told him what a great job he did. .. She would have done that better than me I’m sure. Its never quite the same for the second child is it? She would have clapped and hugged him.. “Good job Jon-boy. You did it”

The lack of that noise was deafening. Even through the sounds of Nicholas getting jealous of his brothers newfound skill. . The silence made my ears ring..

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Nicholas in my belly.. she loved me being pregnant.

Charlotte showers with me now. I am teaching her how. But I’m not supposed to be. That was her big sisters job. When I was pregnant Jennifer would rub my swollen belly and we would talk about what we do if the baby turned out to be a girl. So many things she would teach her.

Swimming. And showering were tops on the her list.

She really truly was an incredible big sister. They fought some.. But not a lot. They took care of each other and loved to be together.

The regular everyday comfortable moments.. I miss those the most.
The regular everyday comfortable moments.. I miss those the most.

We did too. But we also fought. Much more than they did. I knew it was the beginning of the rite of passage of mother and daughter. I was ok with that because I had my eye on the prize. .. the friendship that I trusted would one day blossom between us. ..

Maybe thats why I remember her being sick so vividly. Because she grew.. she aged. We became friends. And now.

She is my number one confidant..My unrequited best friend. ..

thank you jennifer

for still supporting me

unseen but present.

i am scared to believe it

but i know it.

DSC_0027…until there is a cure..

 

4 Responses to “unrequited best friend”

  1. What you said about Jonathan outliving her gave me chills. I can’t imagine how surreal that must be. Still keeping you and your precious family in our nightly prayers. Your Jennifer has had such an impact on so many people! <3

  2. Wow. I wouldn’t even begin to understand the emotions you must feel about Jonathan surpassing his big sister. I fight with my 5 year old daughter the exact same way you did with Jennifer. I am desperately trying to change my parenting and only fight the “important battles”. Jennifer will always be your best friend, the bond of love never can be torn apart.

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