Tag: signs from dead child

find me again..

Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one.. And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them.. I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go. The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen. The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not[…]

earthquake country

I live in earthquake country.. I always have.. but now its more. Now I exist in it too.. I am always ready.. vigilant for any potential tremors. But that’s what makes them so scary .. you never know when they will hit.. Even when they start.. you just never know how high they will register on the Richter scale.. I already know. As my fingers hit the keyboard I already know .. this might be one of those posts I never publish.. Because I know whats eating at me. .. something I struggle too admit to myself .. let alone out loud.. My jealousy. My heartbreak in the middle of others joy. The birth of my niece. Yes of course seeing a healthy baby… of remembering what it was like to first have my Jennifer placed in my arms.. Of wanting so desperately to go back.. to get those years[…]

the 3rd 12th

Its almost here.. That invisible yet powerful clock has almost come full circle.. .to mark off yet another year without the girl that made me a mommy. i thought that was it. i thought the brutal road to being your mommy meant i paid my dues. ..   Sunday will mark 3 years.. 3 years since she I last touched my Jennifer’s warm skin. .. last heard her jagged and raspy breathing. I was so scared she wouldn’t let me be there .. be awake when she died. 3 years ago I was asking myself unanswerable questions.. ones I still am asking today.. That day .. those worries I wrote about then.. I was right. It is EXACTLY how I feel today. .. She let me though.. She gave me so many gifts those final hours. Through her suffering she remained the girl she had always been.. Kind. Giving. Generous. Trusting.[…]

lessons from above

It’s always amazing to me.. how things seem to happen. I desperately want to meet her again in my dreams.. so much so that I think I miss the ways I can see her in my day to day.. Especially right now. I just miss her so much that everything hurts. And to exist.. especially around other people takes a lot of work. So I avoid it. But I worry it will push everyone away. .. So then I move through it and go to social occasions… I find my humor becomes very dry.. And I worry .. will I push everyone away? So really the fear is that my struggles will leave my whole family alone. And its overwhelming. I am overwhelmed. Today was a wake up and cry in the shower kinda day.. Covering my mouth trying to stifle the sobs that are racking my body.. hoping the[…]

mom struggles

I am trying. Trying to be a better mom. Trying to concentrate on them.. Trying to remember the mom I used to be and bring that back to life.. at least a little bit. Jennifer got some of the best of me .. and I am scared she took it with her.. It started on Halloween.. Jonathan was sick so he stayed home with Tony and I took the others trick or treating (almost all of us got sick after that so big sorry to anybody we shared germs with!) It was the first holiday or should be hard day that wasn’t hard. Because it wasn’t just one missing .. it was two. And my mind. My heart were easily convinced that they were both at home.. Waiting and playing with their Daddy.   And the carefree I felt. The absence of that heavy grief.. it was nice. It was empowering.. And[…]

prison

I always want to figure it out. I always want to know why I am aching so much more than normal. But even now. Just sitting down behind my computer the tears are already flowing.. And I can’t say for sure why. There is a little girl, she looks very much like my Jennifer. Aptly named, her FB page is Katherine the Brave. And her mom has shared videos of her. And never held back from showing a snapshot of the brutal and harsh reality of DIPG. How it slowly chokes the life out of our children. .. How it tightens its grip..so cruelly slow. Leaving them completely aware of whats happening. ***moments after I posted this Katherines mom posted she had joined Jennifer earlier this evening. I hope they can become friends. And I am so damned sorry*** I saw one recently .. just scrolled past.. I didn’t need[…]

a ocean for mothers day

I think grief is like the ocean. .. Powerful and constant. It comes in and goes out. Sometimes a storm passes and it becomes violent and dark. .. sometimes it is calm and peaceful. But it is always moving, always changing, and you have to keep kicking or you will drown. That can be exhausting.. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to be pulled too far out from them.. my shore.  I made it through another mothers day..  I woke up to that swollen feeling in my eyes that let me know I was crying in my sleep. My mind is merciful in forgetting  what I was dreaming about.. The day was good. Blemished and bruised but so very beautiful. I am grateful to this blog for that. By digging and releasing I was able to be open to the beauty of the day versus just obsessing on the[…]

NYC

Life moves so quickly sometimes. I thought while I was in New York I would carve out time to blog, but we were so busy I didn’t. And then coming home I have just been trying to get the house stuff and kids in order. So for those that don’t follow on Facebook (and if you don’t you should!) Tony, Bridgette and I went to New York to give money to a few labs as well as meet with additional ones we are considering funding and a few other East Coast foundations. I went through a lot of surprising emotions on the trip.. Just even being there was bittersweet. Its always been a dream of mine to visit New York. But we chose to have me be a stay at home mom and figured there would be no reason to travel that way for a long time. Then Jennifer got[…]

her same long fingers

Her fuzzy head was nuzzled against me. It was a very rare moment for me with Bridgette. My 5th child and by far our most difficult. .. sent to us from her sister in heaven that I can imagine giggling just a little for sending us this little high needs creature. So I was so appreciative of that moment. Her sleeping next to me as the sun came up .. giving me a few extra moments to lay in bed before starting our day. … but suddenly the carpet was swept out from under me. I was pulled away by my own mind from the simple beauty of the moment. To a time 2 years ago .. snuggling another fuzzy headed baby in my bed. Baby Charlotte was just 9 months when her sister left us for heaven. The day after I was broken. Battered. Quitting. I refused to get[…]

unrelenting questions

My days seem to be so full of questions. Unrelenting questions that most will never ever have an answer. Sometimes I wonder.. why do things happen the way they do… Why does she send me the things I believe are signs the way she does. . A few days ago I was at Starbucks and saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt I knew from a distance was about brain tumors. .. I debating.. Maybe it was for an adult. Maybe she wouldn’t respond well to my coming up to her. .. but I did. Just like I asked all of you to do. I walked up to her and told her wy I approached her. Her granddaughter had a brain tumor. ..  And I felt a rush of kinship. .. Except it wasn’t. Her tumor was operable and treatable. .. And she was an adult. I think because of that momentary imaginary[…]