sibling loss Archives - Unravel Pediatric CancerUnravel Pediatric Cancer

find me again..

February 9, 2018Unravel Pediatric Cancerburying a child, childhood cancer, DIPG, signs from heaven6 year old sibling loss, 8 year old sibling loss, bay area childhood cancer, child death, child loss, connecting after loss, connecting with a dead child, DIPG, explaining child death to a child, grieving and parenting, parenting after child loss, sibling loss, signs from dead child10 Comments

Sometimes we resist what we know.. this blog is really just a continuation of this one.. And sometimes urges and pushes are so strong we cannot ignore them.. I pulled the boys out of school and took them on a mommy and boys date to the movies. Coco. None of us had seen it… it was only in one theatre 40 mins away.. But I had this strong urge.. we were meant to go. The 3 of us had the entire place to ourselves. It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be.. Until the final scene.. when my deepest hope for what its like for me and Jennifer now was on screen. The movie ended and we left the theatre and went on the hunt for something to eat at the mall.. We talked as we walked .. in the best boy talking way.. moving and not[…]

muscle memory

February 8, 2018February 8, 2018Unravel Pediatric Cancergrowing up in grief, latest post, sibling loss, Uncategorized3 years after losing a child, 3 years child loss, 6 year old sibling loss, 8 year old sibling loss, bay area childhood cancer, child loss, childhood cancer death, explaining death to children, grieving with children, parenting after child loss, parenting in grief, parenting through grief, sibling loss8 Comments

They call it muscle memory.. mus·cle mem·o·ry noun 1. the ability to reproduce a particular movement without conscious thought, acquired as a result of frequent repetition of that movement. Yup. Both boys are struggling. Jonathan started first. His teacher came out and spoke to me after school.. He was getting in trouble at home.. Nothing major just acting out. .. and needy. Nothing seems to be enough for him. My first thought was Jennifer.. Because I knew the time was coming. .. But I do not ever want to force grief upon them.. or excuse poor behavior because their sister died. So we looked.. we tried to find other reasons.. and actually thought we had.. ..but the behavior continued. Then Nicholas’ teacher asked to speak with me.. Worried about him. He was pulling inward.. not acting like himself.. oh sweet boy Still. I didn’t want to immediately think it was[…]

six

August 29, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, childhood cancer, DIPG, grieving after 3 years, growing up in grief, latest post6th birthday, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, birthday party, celebrating birthdays after death, childhood cancer, coping with guilt over child loss, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, forever 6, guilt after child death, mommy guilt, nicholas birthday, nicholas grief, sibling loss, surviving child loss8 Comments

Six. Never has a number had such power over me. Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven. Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6. how? How is that even possible. Her bubbas.. I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. . But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear. please help me keep him safe.. I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies[…]

do you get counseling..

March 9, 2017Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 3 years, growing up in grief, latest post, Our Story, sibling lossbereaved family, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, coping with child loss, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, FAQ, healing after child loss, helping a bereaved family, pediatric cancer, remembering dead child, sibling loss, supporting a family who have lost a child, understanding child loss36 Comments

I decided to blog about some FAQs and comments that I get..In particular I notice that as time goes on I get more judgmental themed comments on the blog. Im ok with that.. I have a thickish skin. .. But i’d be lying if I said it wasn’t part of the reason I blog publicly less .. I still need the release I get from writing.. but it does make me more hesitant to share.. I am realizing more and more how misunderstood the way I am choosing to do this whole grief thing is.. So I figured why not tackle a few of those constants.. or the ones that have bugged me the most. ** “Do you get counseling, you need counseling**”. I try to explain it this way. One. I need lots of counseling, A “ish-ton” one might say. So I get it in a mulititue of ways.[…]

i will stand

November 2, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss, childhood cancer, grieving after 2 years, latest post6 year old death, bereaved parent, bereaved parents, child death, child loss 2 years, dealing with child loss, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, helping a bereaved family, helping a friend after child loss, parenting after child loss, sibling loss12 Comments

I am a walking contradiction. I wake up exhausted. .. yet I struggle to find sleep. I am somehow simultaneously full beyond capacity and horribly empty. and.. and the cruelest contradiction .. I am mom to 5. but only 4 that I can touch. I just want to know her still. Who she would be. See her outgrow clothes.. Know what her talents would be. .. What her current favorite popsicle flavor would be. I am forever her mom.. but she is forever 6 … and its just not the same. It just doesn’t add up or work. And right now that contradiction is just overwhelming. I am beyond broken right now.. I feel so destroyed. I just hurt. The sheer power and force of these emotions in surprising. I cannot believe how hard this still is .. Not always.. That’s improved. But when it hits, and holy hell is it[…]

Should

October 21, 2016October 22, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, grieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, jennifers birthday, latest post, sibling loss3 year old grief, 3 year old sibling loss, anger after child loss, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, celebrating birthdays after death, child hospice, child loss, child loss 2 years, childhood cancer, death of a child, jealousy after child loss, regrets with death of a child, school pictures, sibling loss10 Comments

Should .. She should be here. . she should be alive.. That word carries a lot of weight with me right now. They cover me.. and they snuff out the light.. The should’s are dark and consuming. The should nots are heavy and constricting, they are what I don’t want to admit. . She should be growing and changing.. I should already have a wall filled with her school pictures. .. Instead we are tying to figure out what to do with Jonathan’s. . I should be posting his picture.. so proud of the handsome boy he is.. and how much he has changed and grown in the past 12 months. .. I should be happy for my friends and their school pictures.. Especially the kinder ones. . I should be. I’m not. I look at them with a mix of longing, jealousy and anger. . I long for it. For[…]

October is my train.

October 7, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerchild loss birthdays, grieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, jennifers birthday, latest post3 year old sibling loss, 5 year old sibling loss, bereaved family, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, birthday after child loss, child loss, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, DIPG, dipg diagnosis, GPS, growing up in grief, parenting after child loss, parenting in grief, remembering dead child, remembering lost child, scared to die, sibling loss10 Comments

October.. Waiting for that crash.. Standing beside the train tracks.. wind blowing hard and fast against me.. and nothing I can do to stop it.. I feel it though. My whole body trembles as I feel the sheer power and force of the train barreling towards my little family. October.. This month is that train.. Her birthday also the day she was diagnosed with cancer, its the start of it all.. For all the holidays that hurt so much without her.. The ones that now symbolize her short but fierce battle. .. so its not just the stark reminder that one is missing.. its also the memories of our last holidays with her.. When we knew she would die.. i didnt know.. sissy i didnt know you were already dying.. I see a video.. and I watch it.. willing me to just find her in the frame. Its all I see[…]

our orchestra

September 23, 2016September 23, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, latest postbaby after child loss, burying a child, childhood cancer, children fundraising, losing a big sister, raising children after child loss, relationship after death, relationship after sibling loss, remembering dead child, sibling loss, sisters10 Comments

Sissy. This presence.. this person my girls don’t really know. She is everywhere. She is nowhere. Driving down the road Nicholas got excited and pointed exclaiming “look its SISSY”. with such conviction I had to turn and look. We were driving past the cemetery. I looked in the rear view mirror as Charlottes head turned back forward. She did not have the same look of disappointment I felt.. just acknowledgment.. Because that is the sissy she knows. Its hard to balance it. For Charlotte she wants to know her. To have a connection to be able to share stories. .. So she reaches for them. She listens intently to her brothers when they talk about her. . She takes a lot of ownership in Unravel. When she sees a brochure floating around in the diaper bag she snags it to be able to hand out to whomever she deems fit.[…]

juggling

August 11, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years, growing up in grief, latest postbereaved parent, bereaved parents, bereaved sibling, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, grieving and parenting, growing up with parents grieving., jonathan struggles, nicholas grief, nicholas struggles, parenting after child loss, sibling grief, sibling loss6 Comments

I always wanted to be a mom and I knew that I wanted a big family. It’s why I worked in day cares and summer camps and then became a teacher. To practice what I knew my lifes work was supposed to be.. I was always confident in my ability to juggle and thrive as a mom to bigger sized clan Then came infertility.. and miscarriage after miscarriage.. and then all I wanted to be was a mom. Just a chance to grab that golden ring .. Jennifer gave me that. If you ever asked her she would say Oct 28th 2007 we went from Tony and Libby to Mommy and Daddy. She gave us that. And it can never ever be taken away. I am so grateful she got to give us those titles. And I truly believe God knew I needed her first before he gave me the[…]

upside to child loss.

July 28, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years, latest post, Our Storybereaved mom, bereaved parent, child loss, child loss. life after child loss, childhood cancer, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, effect of child loss, pediatric cancer, relationships after child loss, remembering dead child, sibling loss, surviving child loss2 Comments

There are side effects of child loss, but I have learned lately not all are negative. And none of them are stagnant. They all seem to be, at least for me, on a pendulum. I realized today I miss some of the moderation that life used to hold. That middle ground of normalcy.. Maybe it will return.. Maybe 10-15 years .. But right now I can’t imagine that it will. I realized today I am always on edge.. Not a razor sharp emotional breakdown edge.. or losing my shit edge but rather just tight? or guarded? or maybe waiting and prepared?.. Not sure the right way to explain it. . I just know I am pretty much never just hanging loose in the middle anymore. .. Because I know that thing that causes people to say ” I can’t imagine it” or ” thats my worst fear” .. I know the[…]

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