Tag: connection with dead child

a bears voice

The holidays have come and gone. We survived. But I don’t really have time to catch my breath. Because now the countdown begins. To the official start of our 3rd year without her. That thought makes me choke and gag. Its a horrible notion. its my vile truth. 2 years ago right now I still had some hope. That maybe.. maybe my Jennifer would be the one. The first to beat this thing. That we would have time for more memories and experiences. That we made all the right choices. Choosing to try radiation. To have Tony keep working so we could take that time later on .. to be with her while she was healthy not in treatment. I will always carry a guilt that I think I pushed for him to do that… To work while I took care of her medical needs.. then take time once we[…]

she was here

I have pulled away from blogging. I have lots of excuses and reasons for it… But I do miss it. The release it gives me.. But especially the connection it gives me to my daughter. jennifer I feel so distant from her right now. So much so I find myself wondering if she was real. If she was ever really here. .. I find myself averting my eyes from her picture. I feel so guilty for it. Like I am denying her.. How much she matters. For the first time yesterday when asked about my kids I didn’t make it obvious she was gone from us. I just answered that I actually had 5 kids and when they asked the ages I only said she was 6.. Nicholas looked up at me and put his hand on my leg. I wonder so much what he was thinking. I presented at[…]

her Christmas gift

We woke up all with Jennifer on our hearts and minds… And as it turns out the feeling was mutual. My niece came over last night and saved Christmas for the second year in a row. She came over to wrap presents for my kids. Without her to talk with and to honestly do most of it I don’t know if it would have gotten done. It is so hard to not be wrapping for her.. So I just avoid it at all costs. As I fell asleep silent tears hit my pillow..  as I was helplessly wishing I could give her a present.. This morning the very first thing Nicholas did was ask my a question about sissy.. He was groggy, wiping sleeping from his eyes and asked if she used to wear boxers.. I was taken aback and at first said no.. but then realized she probably did[…]

ground to outer space

I forgot. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten… Cookie and cocoa and lights. A tradition that matters. We started it Jennifer’s first Christmas. It was always a celebration of getting to be parents. A night I always remembered and appreciated how hard fought for these children of ours were.  As each year we went from 1 to 2 to 3 … 4… with our 4th child then we knew we be losing our first one.. But I loved it. One of the only things that I actually have looked forward to these 2 seasons without her.. Because I remembered so much so fondly. The way she would get so excited.. Even showing her siblings that were just sleeping babies the lights. Squealing out to everybody whose window to look out of. I needed that. That remembering of the happy noises. My boys fight. A lot. And they fight hard. It[…]

a napkin

**** sometimes I write posts and don’t post them right away. This is one of those written in August**** Trying to prepare for Jonathan to start kindergarten. .It forces answers a lot of questions and fears I have been lucky enough to avoid. But it seems to help a new crop of them bloom. We got out Jennifer’s uniform because its a unisex top and he wants to wear hers. It matters a lot to him. Once alone with these bright blue memories I held them to my face.. desperately trying to find a piece of her to breathe in.. I couldn’t. Tony did find a hair of hers.. We carefully wrapped around the button. I gave him 2 and explained the other 3 we would save for her other younger brother(s) and sister(s). **Bridgette not yet born I didn’t know if he would have 2 little sisters or little brothers.[…]

simple complication

Don’t stop moving.. Don’t stop doing. .. Don’t stop going..I think that’s the key for me right now. The only way I am still standing. ..perhaps standing is a stretch.. But I am upright. Because the moment I am not fully occupied in something the tears find me. A 15 minute drive in the car .. Just me and my littlest girls and I find myself crying. Not hard. And no reason. Just tears. Cold tears. Pointless tears. My workouts suck. I used to take pride in what I could accomplish in my gym. I used to feel freedom working out.. A place to escape mentally and physically. But now its not like that. Now I feel trapped. Doing the movements and going through the motions. But not really throwing myself into it. So the release, the healing, I once found is evading me. Maybe because all my energy is[…]

tomorrow

Tomorrow I will dust myself off.. Tomorrow I will pick myself up … but today.. Today I crumble. Today my 2 year old toddles over to me and asks to be picked up. Today she offers to kiss my owie and wipes away my tears. Today we start to clean up the garage.. and find bags of my dead daughters clothing. Ones she wore and lived in before we knew the string of letters DIPG and the power they would forever hold over me. Today I ache for her so deeply. Today I am a really crappy mom and today I feel horrible about it.. but can’t seem to stop. .. today. today I find watermelon on clothes she never wore but were in her things. ok sissy .. tomorrow ok.. better tomorrow.. i just can’t today.. sorry Today I bury my face in the jammies she wore so often.[…]

memories

My daughter. I only know my Jennifer in pictures now. And she changed so much after the above one was taken.. I hardly remember her with chubby cheeks like that… How would she have changed in the nearly two years we lost? It used to be I could look through photos of her and not cry. But now I do nearly every time. I don’t really understand that. How as time goes on the pain gets more precise and sharp. I used to be able to talk about her without fighting the tears.. now I almost always do. The words catching often. .. my thoughts swimming away from what I am saying off to memories.. and a different place. My memories .. the only place I can find her or touch her anymore. And I am scared to allow myself to remember. To close my eyes and touch her in[…]

unrequited best friend

It’s happening. Jonathan is surpassing his big sister. Last week he sat next to me and he read. He opened up a book and he read. She was so close to it. She really wanted to learn how. Now when I want her to know the words I write I say them aloud. Because she can’t read. I was trying to meal plan for Thanksgiving. Thinking of what I wanted to make.. I was already feeling the missing shape of her in our lives. And I heard him. Finger to page. Word by word. He was reading. And I cried. For him. Proud of him and his accomplishment. And so sad for never getting to have that moment with Jennifer. Soon he will outlive her. Soon it will all be new to me. A mom for 8 years yet I am experiencing all the firsts with my 6 year old.[…]

smiles and tears

Why? Why?  oh jennifer.  i just want to hold you. i wonder what you would be like this Thanksgiving.  I wanted to write a positive post. One about how all the many things I am grateful for. My living children. My reason for working for hard for Unravel. Because I need to try to keep them safe. I owe it to them to fight the biggest danger they are likely to face in their young lives. . Jonathan, his effort- Navigating being a big boy and this newfound role of our families oldest child. Bridgette, her pure- smiles and giggles and tears. Honest emotion to whatever she is feeling. Nicholas, his depth- learning to trust in his moral compass which is true north. and stronger than any I have ever known. Charlotte, her joy- how she radiates pure love to everybody she meets. I am so lucky to be driven crazy[…]