she was here

I have pulled away from blogging. I have lots of excuses and reasons for it… But I do miss it. The release it gives me.. But especially the connection it gives me to my daughter.

jennifer

I feel so distant from her right now. So much so I find myself wondering if she was real. If she was ever really here. .. I find myself averting my eyes from her picture.

I feel so guilty for it. Like I am denying her.. How much she matters. For the first time yesterday when asked about my kids I didn’t make it obvious she was gone from us. I just answered that I actually had 5 kids and when they asked the ages I only said she was 6..

Nicholas looked up at me and put his hand on my leg. I wonder so much what he was thinking.

I presented at a local Lions club and we started off with our Unravel video and I had a hard time watching it. I hate that. That seeing her … hearing her.. Is something I struggle with.

She is my daughter.. Only 6. I should enjoy seeing videos of her. I should be filming more.

But I’m not.

She was here. She was real.

But now she’s not.

I’m going to watch videos of her. Hear her voice. Miss her. Remember her and cry.

you matter

so much

i never really forget

I’m just scared to remember.

DSC_0028..until there is a cure..

 

14 Responses to “she was here”

  1. Oh, it hurts to read your words. Mom to mom, I feel your pain. Whatever you feel though, it’s okay. You can’t control it. Have compassion for yourself. You’re truly amazing. You’re doing an amazing job.
    I remember Jennifer too, and I don’t even know you guys. Maybe when you have a hard time facing it you can think about that: that you have spread her spirit and memory on to so many of us that it’s okay if it’s not always you dwelling on it all. I can imagine how it must just hurt so bad sometimes. God, so unfair. I’m sorry.
    She knows you love her.

  2. I promise that so many other people know she was here. And she matters.
    I spoke about her this morning.
    You may not get to hear those of us far away talk about her and why she matters… but we do. I promise.

  3. She will always be a part of you and you keep her alive by the work you are doing. The memories you had with her will always remain in your Soul and in your Heart. The day comes when you wake up one morning and find something has changed. It’s ok. It is a sign that you are healing. Much love to you and yours.

  4. She was here, she IS HERE. she will always be here. I can’t imagine what you go through but know that in your pain, she see’s and she understands. So on the days you can’t look, she knows, she understands and we will be here sharing the glitter and saying her name. She will never be forgotten, we will never stop saying her name and keeping your family in our prayers and thoughts.

  5. There is a quote from the Velveteen Rabbit, “once you are real, you can’t become unreal. It lasts for always.” She is forever real…now in spirit but you will be together one day again. You are always connected no matter what. I lost my son 13 months ago and this is what keeps me going. Hugs. You are making a difference and that’s real and good and inspiring.

      1. Not only child loss but loss due to cancer. Ewing sarcoma in Noah’s case. You among others have helped inspire me to take up the fight. I have connected with the Ewings Cancer Foundation of Canada and have a Facebook page for Noah called NoahsBlueRibbonBrigade. I seem to be very receptive to signs in pictures…I think they are always there but often we don’t see them. They are right beside us, they are part of us and we they. Keep fighting…you’re amazing!

  6. Even though I never met Jennifer or her family I feel a powerful connection , something I have never experienced before. Seeing her videos destroys me, I am paralyzed with grief. Grief like I have never felt before. Her pictures somehow always bring a sense of joy and simultaneous pain. I have to be brave to read the blog, I need to rise above the pain it brings but I care about Jennifer and her family and the blog is the only connection . I NEED you to know Libby that because she MATTERS now I willcontinue to follow your Journey , Unravel’s journey and of course your phenomenal family. thank you for sharing your heart and soul. People grieve differently at different times in their lives, be gentle with yourself Libby, I can only imagine how much you miss her. Give yourself permission to grieve in any way you feel it’s best for you. From a total stranger who thinks of Jennifer everyday.

  7. The mark Jennifer has made on my heart is permanent. It is not going away and I would never want it to. The way your experience has changed me, there is no going back. And I know I am not alone. While losing a child is so different I can relate in some small way from the loss of my mother. The waves of intimacy and distance, the fear of thinking about her too much and the pain it will bring. Sometimes wanting to almost forget she died. And then feeling guilty if it feels like I am not missing her enough at any given moment. When so much of it is just finding a way to survive and live without. Try to be kind to yourself and know how loved you are and how incredibly loved Jennifer is!!

  8. She was here. Jennifer has touched so many lives. She will always be here. In our hearts forever and always. LOVE 4 JLK ♡

  9. It will be 2 months this week since my 14 month old passed away from brain cancer. I’ve been strugglig with this very same feeling of was she real or just a beauitful dream. Many of my friends and family find it hard to talk about her or say her name. I am in so much pain. Thank you so very much Libby for having the courage to share your grief and struggles so honestly. Your blog helps me to feel less alone. The work you’re doing with Unravel is inspiring and a reflection of how real Jennifer is. Love lives on.

  10. Even if you never blogged another day in your life, she would still remain in here in the hearts of so many who never knew her, due to the power of your words, powered by your love for her.

  11. I like what someone said above, about how we can pick up the loving duty of thinking of her and remembering her for those moments when you need to step aside mentally. Jennifer is constantly in my thoughts and my children’s too…we always do frozen yogurt on the 12th and we will always join you in remembering her and doing better for the next children to be diagnosed. There WILL be a cure.

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