I have pulled away from blogging. I have lots of excuses and reasons for it… But I do miss it. The release it gives me.. But especially the connection it gives me to my daughter.
I feel so distant from her right now. So much so I find myself wondering if she was real. If she was ever really here. .. I find myself averting my eyes from her picture.
I feel so guilty for it. Like I am denying her.. How much she matters. For the first time yesterday when asked about my kids I didn’t make it obvious she was gone from us. I just answered that I actually had 5 kids and when they asked the ages I only said she was 6..
Nicholas looked up at me and put his hand on my leg. I wonder so much what he was thinking.
I presented at a local Lions club and we started off with our Unravel video and I had a hard time watching it. I hate that. That seeing her … hearing her.. Is something I struggle with.
She is my daughter.. Only 6. I should enjoy seeing videos of her. I should be filming more.
But I’m not.
She was here. She was real.
But now she’s not.
I’m going to watch videos of her. Hear her voice. Miss her. Remember her and cry.
i never really forget
I’m just scared to remember.
..until there is a cure..