I am supposed to be working right now. I have a follow up presentation at Genetech to prepare for next week.
Kids are at school and at my moms so I can write it in a solid block of time and get myself prepared. Its a big deal presentation.
1 month until THE 12th. ..
But I can’t concentrate. Its gnawing away at me. The time that I know is looming and coming too quick..
but also too slow. Because it feels like forever since I held her last. And its only been 23 months.. How will I last the rest of my life??
..how the fuck will I last the rest of my life????
A year ago we were all packed up for our make a wish trip. Unsure what to expect but so excited for the adventure. Right before we left though.. the first signs of how hard she was struggling just to live.. to survive this monster that never ever stopped growing inside of her. I will never forget this post.. the chilling forward for the book we didn’t know we were already writing.
she never got a break. never had peace.. until she left me. I couldn’t even give her real comfort.. and I didn’t even know it. I didn’t know. ..
yes i did
… I didn’t WANT to know. Didn’t want to admit.. that she was going downhill. There were so many signs. But I just couldn’t face it.
I still don’t want to.. but the calendar doesn’t care..
Jonathan has outlived her now. That was a hard morning to wake up to. I was filled with incredible gratitude that I still got to raise him.. to have him.. to touch and smell him. And such sorrow that I didn’t get that day with her.
2 years ago my Jennifer was struggling. So much. And it just got worse. But she fought. She wanted to live.
damnit she wanted to live
She didn’t lose her battle. We did. She had no weapons against this invisible beast. It was never a fair fight.
I knows she is at peace now. Not hurting. Not scared.
But I am. I am hurting. I am scared. And I selfish because I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just want her back..
Today I just want to run. And hide. And make it all not real. I want to get back to a place where I can feel her.. I miss that sacred time after she died. How desperately I missed her.. but also I felt her. I just didn’t know it at the time. But she was so big and full in this house..
…how will i last my lifetime.
Im scared. I am really scared.
Her absence is heavy and violent. Like a animal .. growing hungrier and bigger.. devouring me.. One piece at a time..
oh sissy miss
i don’t want to last a lifetime
but i will
i promised you i would take care of them
and i will.
just right now baby girl
i really don’t want to.
…until there is a cure..