Last night at dinner Nicholas just started asking questions. I was giving both little girls a bath at the sink while my boys all finished dinner. It started off casual and easy and Tony asked if they had more questions.. And Nicholas did. So many. So so many.
He directed them all to me. .. It was Tonys first time hearing the things he asks.. Seeing his fear and tasting his 4 year olds sorrow..
.. but we’ve done the before. The way he fights the tears that burns his eyes. They way he struggles to understand. Its just like Jonathan after Jennifer died. This deep want and desire to understand the unimaginable.
kids die. we don’t have the answers and i can’t protect you.
But Nicholas needs things to be right and fair and in order. As he fought the stinging in his eyes that he doesn’t understand His hands clung to the edge of the table in front of him. He looked like he was on a roller coaster. Then he would forcefully drop his forehead to folded hands.
His frustration building at the lack of understanding and “rightness” in the conversation. He was almost frustrated with me for not being able to give him answers that helped make this clean and ok.
And then lift his head up again to ask me more questions. “But what happened to her hands and arms mommy? Why mommy why can’t she have her body still?”
I answered what I could. .. mostly saying the same things over and over again. And I was honest. That so much I just don’t know… but I do know I am not scared to die.. even if its unknown. And I know the important parts of us live forever..
I asked him if he could hold his love for me in his hands. He looked down and couldn’t.
“That’s part of your soul son.”
I asked him what makes our house our home, I banged on the walls, but he knows it wasn’t that. I touched myself and his younger sisters. He knows it was that. The people inside the walls that are what matters and turns a house into a home.
“That’s like our bodies and our souls. The outside isn’t what matters its just what holds in the important stuff”
At some point Charlotte was done in the bath and the conversation was too much for Tony so they left. .. Eventually Jonathan did too.
We talked about what he thought we might look like in heaven. And then he asked me. My sister shared her thoughts awhile ago .. and I liked it. I think we look however we need to depending on the person we are with. So I will look different to my Mom and my husband in heaven. Because the perfect me is likely a very different age and person. I have always imagined I would be me.. Oct 24th 2013 the day before everything changed.. because it was my last perfect time. But my Bridgette changes that. Because it wasn’t perfect.. she wasn’t here yet.
I remembered that I will never have a full and complete moment in this lifetime. Of course I didn’t say any of that to him. I just chatted about what we think it might be like..
We talked about the things we do to stay healthy and work hard to stay alive and live a long time.
And I think those things sink in and help. But five minutes later he asks..quietly.. “But mom Sissy didn’t do anything wrong? She took care of her body and she died.”
I wanted to scream and yell. Tell him I know. Tell him you are so right Nicholas and nobody seems to be scared enough. Number one disease killer of our countries kids.. But we aren’t scared enough ..
“I don’t know. But there are people trying to find out and I am doing what I can to help them. “
He apologized for asking the questions. I fight really hard to not cry when he asks me this stuff.. somehow I know it will shut him off if I do. He said sissy made him ask. Put a song in his head that made him think of her .. and then ask.
I told him to never ever say sorry for his questions. And I asked if he wanted a hug.
He did.. me too.
As I tucked him in he told me he was going to find sissy in his dreams.
please baby girl
…until there is a cure..