gray

Definition of gray

  1. a. of the color gray
    b. tending toward gray
    c. dull in color
  2. having the hair gray
  3. clothed in gray
  4. a. lacking cheer or brightness in mood, outlook, style, or flavor; also: dismalgloomy<a gray day>
    b. prosaically ordinary: dulluninteresting
  5. having an intermediate and often vaguely defined position, condition, or character

 

 

I am gray. I live and survive in the gray now.. This is the merriam-webster definition of gray.. and I think it suits me.. This new AD me that I discovered in this post..

Parenting after child loss is a bitch.

All parenting is hard. All parents question themselves.. I always have. But now the stakes seem so impossibly high. That if I am wrong I can be doing some real damage to their little hearts.

Nicholas is hard lately. Really really hard. Angry. Defiant. Stubborn. .. and hurting. Maybe more than the rest of us right now.

Is it connected?

..But truly a deep and loving heart. So proud to pick a flower for his Mommy
..But truly a deep and loving heart. So proud to pick a flower for his Mommy

Before I get asked.. yes he is in counseling, but the thing is these aren’t black and white issues..Its a whole world of gray ..

I don’t do well in the gray especially when it comes to my kids.

He misses her terribly. Longs for her and for my help finding connections for them. He wants to see pictures of him with her. Nobody else in the picture. He wakes me in the night to hear stories about them together.. about how much she loved him.

I feel like I fail him with that. Both of them.  My brain.. its muddled and gray. She loved him so powerfully. So deeply and truly but I can’t always remember stories. ..

She was such a helper with him from the very beginning. She wanted so badly to get to be a mommy..
She was such a helper with him from the very beginning. She wanted so badly to get to be a mommy..

The truth is I can hardly remember any stories of her anymore. Its like my mind is broken. So fuzzy and muddled..

My memories of her all seem to lack color. Damnit that hurts to realize. My little girl who sparkled from the inside out.. I only can see her without color. ..

Gilroy Family Photographer | JLK Glitter Shoot-29

..except her death. Still.. those weeks on hospice I can almost touch. Its been 2 years now.. I thought more would return to me by now.

I talked to Tony about that on the 12th.. How I love that Unravel gives me the opportunity to keep her memory alive. To keep allowing her spirit to be shared and for her to be introduced to more people.. She was only 6.. Not enough time to make friends that will never forget her. . But Unravel affords me the chance to do that for her. To imprint her in other peoples hearts.. I hope.. forever.

It comes at a cost though. . So many hearts to balance in this home. I never want my surviving kids to feel lost in her shadow. Since they know Unravel connects to cancer and their sister I try not to overtake other conversations with them and around them with Jennifer. And my husband has different needs.. with a completely different way of coping and connecting to her.

He can only see the color I think.. Can only handle the “BC” time.. If we could combine our half filled pictures we might have a complete image .

I don’t often just get to talk about her. The real her. The colored her. To just tell and share stories, to hear stories.. To stretch my brain to try and remember her. ..

Not that I would know how.  I find myself bringing her up in conversations without thinking sometimes. Just talking with people and one of her rises up.. and I end up getting stuck in my head mid sentence .. Because I see the flash, often just momentary .. But its the one that no of us wants to admit is there..

I see the flash and a part of me seizes up..I hear my words and wonder how many times I have shared the same story or thought about her..

 I got less than 2,500 days with her and I don’t get anymore memories to make ..

I see the flash and I worry about what they are thinking and feeling..

I can’t say for sure what it is since I haven’t been in those shoes.. Maybe its just the sadness for our heartache. .. Or the inability to know what the hell to say when somebody talks about their lost child in a normal/casual way. But I see it.. and I can never seem to shake it. .. I become hyper aware and the color runs and hides.

And I feel so sorry for all of us ..

because you.

jennifer lynn

you in color

is brilliant.

Gilroy Family Photographer | JLK Glitter Shoot-40a

…until there is a cure..

 

 

 

 

5 Responses to “gray”

  1. I know that she is in my heart, forever. I never met her, yet feel so connected to her via your words, pictures and video. Truly a beautiful, special little girl. I feel a love for her…she reminds me so much of my own daughter, now 5…they even resemble each other. I think of Jennifer every single day.

    I also understand how grief turns your world gray. I lost my best friend of 31 years, my mom. I feel so incomplete without her. It’s been 2.5 years since I said goodbye to her, and all I get are flashes. The lifetime of memories I made with her are gone…fuzzy, blurred. But the time she spent on life support in the hospital…for some reason those horrible images are clear to me. Oh how I wish I could fix it…it’s so backwards. The time I dread looking back upon is the only time I see her clearly. I can also see her clearly in her beautiful baby-blue casket…but not the actual life that lived before that. I hate it, but I love it…because it’s HER. And I will cling to anything that has to do with my mom.

    I’m so sorry you are having the same issue with remembering your daughter. I don’t know why human brains do this, it is true torture. Praying for us both to be able to remember our loves in beautiful, brilliant color.

  2. Some days, when I am really being honest with myself, there is no color in my world either…. and my other daughter especially seems to be the one that suffers most. (They were a year apart and inseparable) she truly lives in gray as well. Lately I feel so much anger and hate directed at me…….21 year olds are like that, but it is almost like she emotionally stopped growing at 17 when her bff, sister, closest confidant died, in front of her eyes. The chosen one by Ann – God I hate that. This post just seems to resonate so well for me today….as most of your posts do, but I get it. Gray is so easy and doesn’t require anything of me. Color on the other hand…….that’s tough. hugs momma

  3. Wow…just wow. This post really hit home with me today. I lost my husband on July 23, 2015 and my son (who is 6…) is very angry. I am balancing his grief, my daughter’s grief and my grief; I totally get what you mean when you say there are so many hearts to be balanced. I pray, everyday, that I’m doing this correctly. Your words help me!

    I also find that I can’t remember my husband from when he was alive and vibrant…I only see him as I did when I found him, asleep forever, in our bed. When I look at pictures of him, I know that the memories are there, but I can’t grasp them. Gray is a perfect analogy…

    I wish that I had known your Jennifer, she is such a beautiful girl! I can see her spreading her glitter in Heaven!

    I am so grateful for your words, thank you for baring your soul!

  4. posting about the mental block resonated with me…I feel like once you release that, there she will be in all her glorious color. I pray for you daily.

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