Definition of gray
- a. of the color gray
b. tending toward gray
c. dull in color
- having the hair gray
- clothed in gray
- a. lacking cheer or brightness in mood, outlook, style, or flavor; also: dismal, gloomy<a gray day>
b. prosaically ordinary: dull, uninteresting
- having an intermediate and often vaguely defined position, condition, or character
I am gray. I live and survive in the gray now.. This is the merriam-webster definition of gray.. and I think it suits me.. This new AD me that I discovered in this post..
Parenting after child loss is a bitch.
All parenting is hard. All parents question themselves.. I always have. But now the stakes seem so impossibly high. That if I am wrong I can be doing some real damage to their little hearts.
Nicholas is hard lately. Really really hard. Angry. Defiant. Stubborn. .. and hurting. Maybe more than the rest of us right now.
Is it connected?
Before I get asked.. yes he is in counseling, but the thing is these aren’t black and white issues..Its a whole world of gray ..
I don’t do well in the gray especially when it comes to my kids.
He misses her terribly. Longs for her and for my help finding connections for them. He wants to see pictures of him with her. Nobody else in the picture. He wakes me in the night to hear stories about them together.. about how much she loved him.
I feel like I fail him with that. Both of them. My brain.. its muddled and gray. She loved him so powerfully. So deeply and truly but I can’t always remember stories. ..
The truth is I can hardly remember any stories of her anymore. Its like my mind is broken. So fuzzy and muddled..
My memories of her all seem to lack color. Damnit that hurts to realize. My little girl who sparkled from the inside out.. I only can see her without color. ..
..except her death. Still.. those weeks on hospice I can almost touch. Its been 2 years now.. I thought more would return to me by now.
I talked to Tony about that on the 12th.. How I love that Unravel gives me the opportunity to keep her memory alive. To keep allowing her spirit to be shared and for her to be introduced to more people.. She was only 6.. Not enough time to make friends that will never forget her. . But Unravel affords me the chance to do that for her. To imprint her in other peoples hearts.. I hope.. forever.
It comes at a cost though. . So many hearts to balance in this home. I never want my surviving kids to feel lost in her shadow. Since they know Unravel connects to cancer and their sister I try not to overtake other conversations with them and around them with Jennifer. And my husband has different needs.. with a completely different way of coping and connecting to her.
He can only see the color I think.. Can only handle the “BC” time.. If we could combine our half filled pictures we might have a complete image .
I don’t often just get to talk about her. The real her. The colored her. To just tell and share stories, to hear stories.. To stretch my brain to try and remember her. ..
Not that I would know how. I find myself bringing her up in conversations without thinking sometimes. Just talking with people and one of her rises up.. and I end up getting stuck in my head mid sentence .. Because I see the flash, often just momentary .. But its the one that no of us wants to admit is there..
I see the flash and a part of me seizes up..I hear my words and wonder how many times I have shared the same story or thought about her..
I got less than 2,500 days with her and I don’t get anymore memories to make ..
I see the flash and I worry about what they are thinking and feeling..
I can’t say for sure what it is since I haven’t been in those shoes.. Maybe its just the sadness for our heartache. .. Or the inability to know what the hell to say when somebody talks about their lost child in a normal/casual way. But I see it.. and I can never seem to shake it. .. I become hyper aware and the color runs and hides.
And I feel so sorry for all of us ..
you in color
…until there is a cure..