I keep thinking I’ve done a good enough job explaining death and heaven… the permanency of it all to them. But its still just too hard of a concept for them to get I think..
I guess in all reality its too hard for me to really get it either..
The other day we were all driving in the car .. home from a day spent with some of our family remembering Jennifer and we heard Charlotte from the back of the car. Just hearing her little voice calling out made me smile remembering earlier in the night..
We watched a video we played at Jennifer’s services. Charlotte had been so cute as we watched the video. She was calling out so excitedly.. so proudly SISSY every time a picture of Jennifer flashed on the screen.
I was crying. Big solid silent tears across the room. And she noticed. I could see her watching me.. Studying me. So she did what she knew to do. She ran over to me and asked to be held. She wanted to hold me. Be near me. Help me.
My Charlotte seems to have a mothers heart just like her big sister before her. The way she tries to help Bridgette when she cries. Often telling me what to do to fix the problem. How she lovingly cares for the supply of baby dolls we have here. . And seeing her own mother hurt.. she couldn’t fight the urge to take care of me.
..and she succeeded.
She kept her narration going throughout the video making me smile and swell with a twisted sense of pride. That we have done a good enough job keeping Jennifer present in our home that Charlotte truly has a relationship with her.. But not so much that she is used to my tears… She was concerned with my tears.. not completely foreign but not something she knows well either.
In the car I was smiling at the sound of her voice until I heard her words .. Ones that ended up sounded like a gun shot went off in our car.
“Sissy is in heaven.” This was neither a question or a statement.. More like a confirmation of what she knew.
“I want to go pick her up. I want to play with her. Lets go!”
I think both of ears starting ringing from the shock of those words. From the purity in them and the pain of our 2 year old voicing our deepest desire.
I can’t even remember exactly what was said. I know we explained it the best we could .. That heaven is different from any other place somebody goes to.
Writing now I remember how soon after she died talking with Jonathan. He was so sure there was a staircase to heaven and we just had to find it .. then eventually we had to help her find it so she could come back. ..
And Nicholas. He spoke up after the that conversation had ended. A random thought .. It seemed to me trying to change up the conversation. .. but you could tell how excited her was. How truly brilliant his thought his idea was.
“Can we do that picture thing mom? On the phone. Like a video.”
He was talking about an app his older cousin has in her phone. That records a video and decorates their faces. They loved it and had so many laughs playing with it.
I explained it was just on Katherine’s phone .. that I don’t have kids apps on my phone.. But maybe as a special treat..
He interrupted ..”no Mom. Not that. The one you can talk to people…”
Perhaps he said more I honestly can’t remember because when I realized what he was talking about.. My head was immediately spinning. ..
It was like the air was sucked out of the car. Like we were all being compressed.. tighter and tighter.. as he waited for his answer. Jonathan too. I could feel it. I could feel them both ..
..hopeful. .. wishing.. and for a moment I think believing Nicholas had figured it out.
A surreal moment took over us all I think. I looked to Tony and just said.
Oh God no….
“yes Mom!!!” He was so happily calling out.. “Yes thats it! We can FaceTime with sissy”
We stumbled through our answer of no.. And he tried to keep his frustration at bay..
why? So many why’s from him followed. To every answer he had another why loaded. Until I just said.
Me too Nicholas. Me too. I wish we could just FaceTime with her too.. And I wish I understood better why we can’t.
My desire and my lack of understanding just like his own. Our unity in that seemed to pacify him. .But as I am learning, it will likely be just for a moment.
I think Jonathan might have been knocked down the hardest.. The spark of hope for his sister.. it hasn’t been light for awhile .. and to have it ignited.. even just for a moment and then snuffed out.. I think it dug out a new grief in him.
And writing now.. I think me too maybe. Its so illogically logical. In this day and age we really never need to be disconnected from other people if we don’t want to be. So many ways to communicate… often instantly. That I can’t seem to wholly grasp being so disconnected from my 6 year old.
I think maybe some unintelligible part of me is trying to sort out the same things as my children.
oh jennifer lynn
to just see you
to just hear you..
..until there is a cure…