unrelenting questions

My days seem to be so full of questions. Unrelenting questions that most will never ever have an answer.

Sometimes I wonder.. why do things happen the way they do… Why does she send me the things I believe are signs the way she does. .

A few days ago I was at Starbucks and saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt I knew from a distance was about brain tumors. .. I debating.. Maybe it was for an adult. Maybe she wouldn’t respond well to my coming up to her.

.. but I did. Just like I asked all of you to do. I walked up to her and told her wy I approached her. Her granddaughter had a brain tumor. ..  And I felt a rush of kinship. .. Except it wasn’t. Her tumor was operable and treatable. .. And she was an adult. I think because of that momentary imaginary connection it was a sharp let down.

I stumbled over my words as I started to share our story.. Concentrating on simply staying upright.

why? why?

Not so much today ‘why’ did we get the diagnosis and path we did.. Today my ‘why’ was why put this in my face at this moment?

Because my stomach hasn’t seem to uncurl all day since then.

And I came home. .. and found this laying out.

IMG_0746

Why?

Where could it have come from.. Why? Why all of this today??

Questions.. followed by a loud silence. .. Only to be filled by more questions.

i cannot wait Jennifer

to get to you

and ask ALL of you…

my questions.

DSC_0314-1…until there is a cure..

6 Responses to “unrelenting questions”

  1. Maybe, just maybe, someone overheard your conversation and learned something, questioned or even googled it. :). I’m still amazed by the magnitude of your love. Every post
    😘

  2. I think you found the name tag there because Jennifer wanted to comfort you with her presence. Simply saying I am still here Mama! You are not alone. X

  3. Hello

    You and your sweet eldest daughter have been in my thoughts and prayers since stumbling across your blog on fAcebook. Another sweet girl who had DIPG was a friend of a friend – fAcebook is a crazy place of mysterious connections and somehow I was connected to you.

    While I have no experience and no direct relationship to any of your family members or friends – I read one of your blog entries and found myself continuing to read…and cry…and pray.. .and continuing… It was as though you were sharing your life with me on purpose and while I never intended to write you I have to tell you –

    My daughter (my first and only so far – I pray for siblings for her someday…) will be forever grateful to you without knowing it. Your words your love and your ability to survive and give your children joy has made me wake up. It’s made me realize how I need to enjoy her – always – and appreciate her. She is only 11 months and already she is an incredible remarkable little girl who brings happiness to everyone she meets. I want to thank you for making me want to be the best mom I can be, best wife, best sister, best daughter, best aunt, best friend. I want to thank you for sharing your heartfelt love of your Jennifer. I will never forget.

    Lots of love
    Elizabeth

    Also – and very important – I want to be sure you know about THON – a 46 hour no sitting no sleeping dance marathon to raise money for pediatric cancer – run completely by students at Penn State. This year they raised over 9 million dollars. When I was in college I danced two years in a row – the experience forever changed me and the kids I met there (kids with cancer and their families attend THON) made me never forget why I danced and why raising money for kids with cancer is so important. http://www.thon.org.

    Thank u again!

  4. the biggest hugs I’ve got are sent to you tonight. I can’t imagine your pain but you and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. still here, still reading, still talking about pediatric cancer to those that will listen.

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