Tag: birthday party

rip current

rip cur·rent noun noun: rip current; plural noun: rip currents a relatively strong, narrow current flowing outward from the beach through the surf zone and presenting a hazard to swimmers. Its October.. the start of my once favorite time of year.. I love colder weather.. Our wedding anniversary.. It marks the start of the coming holidays seasons.. and its the month that I first became a Mama.. I loved this month and everything it represented. I don’t anymore.. and that fills me with immense guilt. Because I have an incredible husband.. Because I still have 4 incredible children to watch enjoy that magic that is this time of year.. and I am still a Mama of 5.. I feel like I should be getting to the point of just appreciating the time I was so lucky to have her.. Of all the wonderful memories I have with her.. But I’m not.. I[…]

six

Six. Never has a number had such power over me. Forever 6. My eldest child is eternally six years old.. Told on that birthday that she wouldn’t make it see seven. Her younger brother is 7.. and tomorrow her baby brother will also be 6. how? How is that even possible. Her bubbas.. I woke him this morning like I do the every morning before their birthdays.. Welcoming them to their final day of their current age. . But as I said the words .. ” Wake up to your last day of 5..” I felt a rush of cold through my veins. A cold and palpable fear. please help me keep him safe..  I’ve heard that military/police term of “watch your 6”.. and its resonated lately.. I had a feeling as to what it meant.. But I looked it up to be sure.. the defintion.. “6:00 is what lies[…]

average and normal

The average and the normal are so difficult right now, I wonder if it will always be that way. And honestly either way has its downside. Jonathan can ride a bike. He learned so fast .. Tony got him doing it in a day. Jennifer never learned. Her little brother can do something she never could. .. Thats just going to keep happening. It was surreal, time almost felt like it was moving in slow motion. I was so excited about him learning how to do it.. and so happy to see him so proud. And I missed her utterly… terribly… I can’t believe he is already passing up his sister. And I felt guilty. She had a bike but was a tiny bit too small for it still. We got it for free. Instead of spending money and buying a new one I banked on unpromised time. Time that[…]

again..

Everyday brings something a little different for us. But it seems like every day is blanketed in sorrow.. like it blocks the sunshine from really penetrating. This weekend we took down most of the decorations out front of the house. Some of them were wrapped around the trees and bushes and for just a moment I smiled.. thinking how I would be doing this for her again one day when our house gets “T.Ped” because of her.. or when its decorated from a boy asking her to prom. Two whole separate thoughts.. my mind had time for two daydreams before.. truth. death. reality. A year out and I still forget .. I still can immediately go to the hope and the joy that was supposed to come with raising her to adulthood. I think I like it. I will be sad when I don’t. Because right now her life is[…]

5 minutes later

** I wrote this last week .. but never actually shared it.. I can’t remember why now! **   I need to write.. I want to write but something keeps stopping me. Like I am just scared to let all that is bubbling inside of me out. This weekend was a lot. A lot. It started out with her party.. Saturday morning we finished up decorating the cupcakes and then it was time to go. To get in the car for a thank you to our community and all the people that cared about our family . . and a chance to celebrate with them and our friends this spectacular girl of ours. But I was scared to go.. about how hard this might really be. Was it the right choice for me and Tony.. the right choice for our kids. I make none of the decisions lightly.. but that[…]

double agent

So why are you doing this? (the whole fluttering campaign)  To keep the promise you made to Jennifer? (Unravel itself) I was asked that today in a interview. I wish I could say yes. But its simply not the truth. I am doing it because I am selfish and I know it could be another one of my babies again.. Or my friends kids.. or my nephew or niece. Experience does not make one immune to childhood cancer. This is why I am committed to Unraveling pediatric cancer. Jennifer is gone. Curing cancer does nothing for her .. i just want my baby back And I am selfish. I am doing this so people say her name. If everybody that orders a kit moves it nightly that 10, 500 houses that see the dragonflies.. and learn the facts.. and maybe they even say her name. Maybe enough people whisper her[…]

i just want my daughter

I just want my daughter. I miss her so much. With such a terrible forcefulness. So many feelings.. she should have been here.. And why her? Why my baby? I just want to hold her. To feel her. To see her smile. I am trying so hard. So hard just to function .. I cannot believe how exhausting just living can be somedays. Today is that kind of a day. I woke up ok. We took the kids to breakfast since they filled their sticker charts. And my ache started to break open then. I don’t know if it was the nagging feeling I had that I gave into when we left to give a table full of people our business cards. Feeling like I was ruining their nice morning with the reality of our lives.. or even worse. If they didn’t even care. If it was too much and[…]

answers

I woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck… weighted down and sluggish. Shoulda just stopped there.. but I didn’t..I went for a run. It was a crappy run.Oh and full disclosure since I hope to see so many of you at the 5k in May…I use the term run very loosely.. its more like a clumsy jog even on a good day! Then we loaded up to go to my nephews birthday party at Chucky E Cheese.. There was a bar next door to it.. Shoulda just gone in there.. I couldn’t handle being there. My sister had Charlotte and Tony was with the boys somewhere so I walked out and texted him that I needed to go for walk. I felt totally overwhelmed…this feeling like I wasn’t fitting properly in my own body.. like wearing a flip flop on the wrong foot. I wish I could[…]

5 months

****I mentioned before we had really really spotty service on our trip so I didn’t blog but took notes on my phone what I was thinking/feeling****   Our trip was lovely. Truly a escape and so wonderful to be with just the baby and my husband.. but the dark hit hard coming home. I wish I had written when I was there. I think there would have been some positive notes in it.. Like about how it went to work on the business plan for the non-profit… (it went well we had good talks and it was good time spent together) but this now will be the truth I see and feel currently.     It ain’t pretty. I am exhausted.. all the time lately. But I need to write. It will likely be very choppy. I feel like I am bursting at the seams.. so I am just going[…]

Diagnosis Day

I’m Jennifer’s auntie and Elizabeth asked me to get this site up and running. First of all, Tony and Libby want to express their heartfelt and deep gratitude for all of the love, prayers and well wishes that have been pouring into them from everywhere. They are overwhelmed with gratitude and amazement at all of you! However, they are currently unable to receive visitors or calls at this time. That will change but for right now, they just need to process everything that they have heard. If you need something or have some information that you think that they could use, feel free to contact me, Ann Scharrenberg Calcagno, my mother, Mary Goggin Scharrenberg or Renee Ridgeway via facebook as we are all on there. So today JLK, Charlotte and their parents met with the Tumor Board at Lucille Packard Hospital, where they were told that Jennifer has a brain[…]