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lets go!

February 25, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 yearsbereaved parent, bereaved sibling, child death, child loss heaven, childhood cancer, communicating with dead child, communication, connection with dead child, DIPG, facetime, forever 6, grief for a 2 year old, grief for a 4 year old, grief for a 6 year old, grieving children, growing up in grief, heaven, Jennifer day, keeping memory alive, phone call, sibling grief, sibling loss8 Comments

I keep thinking I’ve done a good enough job explaining death and heaven… the permanency of it all to them. But its still just too hard of a concept for them to get I think.. I guess in all reality its too hard for me to really get it either.. The other day we were all driving in the car .. home from a day spent with some of our family remembering Jennifer and we heard Charlotte from the back of the car. Just hearing her little voice calling out made me smile remembering earlier in the night.. We watched a video we played at Jennifer’s services. Charlotte had been so cute as we watched the video. She was calling out so excitedly.. so proudly SISSY every time a picture of Jennifer flashed on the screen. I was crying. Big solid silent tears across the room. And she noticed. I[…]

gray

February 22, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 yearsbc/ad, bereaved sibling, child loss, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, growing up in grief, lost memories, nicholas struggles, parenting after child loss, parenting in grief, parenting through grief, remembering dead child, sibling loss, unravel5 Comments

Definition of gray a. of the color gray b. tending toward gray c. dull in color having the hair gray clothed in gray a. lacking cheer or brightness in mood, outlook, style, or flavor; also: dismal, gloomy<a gray day> b. prosaically ordinary: dull, uninteresting having an intermediate and often vaguely defined position, condition, or character I am gray. I live and survive in the gray now.. This is the merriam-webster definition of gray.. and I think it suits me.. This new AD me that I discovered in this post.. Parenting after child loss is a bitch. All parenting is hard. All parents question themselves.. I always have. But now the stakes seem so impossibly high. That if I am wrong I can be doing some real damage to their little hearts. Nicholas is hard lately. Really really hard. Angry. Defiant. Stubborn. .. and hurting. Maybe more than the rest of us right now. Is[…]

Seattle in pictures

February 18, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years, unravel workbereaved sibling, child death, child loss, childhood cancer, childhood cancer research, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, donation, Fred Hutch, fundraising, fundraising for childhood cancer, Jim Olsen, pediatric cancer, pediatric cancer research, seattle, tumor paint, unravel10 Comments

Seattle was great! So many memories made.. and difference to be made. We gave over 130,000 into the hands of some incredible and dedicated researchers. Thank you! I didn’t tell Jonathan until the night before our trip that we were going somewhere and he didn’t know it was on a plane until we got to the airport. Then I told him every single step before we did it. That seemed to be the perfect rhythm for him. We were on seriously the smallest plane I have ever been on. My 5 ft tall self could easily put my bag in the overhead compartment. I am not a good flier so that didn’t help!! The last time Jonathan was on a plane was our Make A Wish trip. On the flight we talked about those memories… Bridgette was perfect! Until we got to the hotel. Then she freaked. Jonathan got[…]

Guest Blog – Renee

February 16, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancerguest blogfriendship and child loss, helping a bereaved family, helping after child loss, how to help after child loss19 Comments

**** This is written by Renee, Unravels Executive Director. This blog is a worthwhile and humbling read for me because I can’t pretend to know what its like to have to bear witness to a families suffering the way Renee did. And I think its important for all of us bereaved parents to get a glimpse to the other side so we can try to understand and be better for it.. And important for others to read. To know how the impact of losing a child from cancer reverberates far beyond the walls of that child’s home. *** I started writing this after I read one of Libby’s recent blogs. Here is an excerpt from that blog: And I saw the picture of my Jennifer with one of her very best friends. They were wearing the matching pink minnie shirts Jennifer picked out for them in Disney World. I smiled. Remembering how the girls were so serious about[…]

the day after..

February 14, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 2 years12th, bereaved parent, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, crossfit, day after child loss, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, helping a bereaved family, hero WOD, physical grief, remembering dead child, Stanford, WOD, working out in grief10 Comments

The 13th is actually the worst day for me I think. . That whole day after thing. When Jennifer died.. that first 12th.. I tried to stay up until midnight .. but I physically couldn’t do it. I knew that after that day was done would be the start of a lifetime of days of not holding her.. touching her.. knowing her.. And I think these two 12ths we have survived are much the same. Because this 13th is the first day I have to say 2 years.. its been 2 years since I lost my daughter. Then there is the whole day after thing. Like an big event in your life the day after is hard.. almost like a let down. We are so busy on the 12th. A mixture of remembering. . and running from the memories I think. We are so incredibly blessed to have had so[…]

do over

February 10, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 1 year, grieving after 2 years12th, 2 year anniversary, anger after child loss, bereaved parent, bereaved parents, bereaved sibling, changed mommy, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, do over, good enough mom, grieving child loss, no into yes, parenting after child loss, parenting in grief, raising children after child loss, sibling loss, surviving child loss, surviving sibling loss, surviving siblings11 Comments

Up and down and backwards.. tumbling over and over again. That was my today. I have felt every emotion possible today. But I am ending it.. in a quiet house with a few hitting me all at once.. all overwhelming in their own right .. Sadness. Dread. Pride. Gratitude. .. an odd mixture. thank you jennifer. i know. i know you have a part in the latter two. the ones that matter the most. somehow i just know i have you to thank. The dread and sadness .. I don’t think I need to explain those.. And tonight I don’t want to. Tonight those emotions are all mine. Moments to be shared with the daughter I can no longer touch.. but will one day follow into the light.. Most of the day I felt on the edge .. just hanging on by a very thin thread. Verging on an outburst[…]

roses in the ocean

February 9, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 1 year2nd anniversary, angelversary, anniversary of child loss, beach, bereaved parent, bereaved sibling, child death, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, growing up in grief, heaven, hospice, moment of death, price of realization, regrets, remembering dead child, roses, signs from dead child, veil between heaven and earth10 Comments

**I don’t often re-read what I write. But tonight I did. And this posting is a mutant writing. With makes it a perfect depiction of what its like in my head. Where nothing seems to fit together or make sense coming from one person.. And I am trying and failing not to freak out but all of my pictures are getting distorted as I upload them from my “good camera” luckily I snapped a few to text to Daddy with my phone.. So my apologies for lack of pictures. ** Jennifer loved the beach. So very much. We live so close to it. But I almost never took her. because I always had a baby or was pregnant.. or .. well really time. Its because I counted on time to do it later. I really wish I had taken her more often. Tony left on Sunday so its just been me[…]

a thousand years

February 8, 2016May 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 1 yearbereaved parent, child hospice, child loss, child loss heaven, childhood cancer, connection with dead child, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, forever 6, guilt after child loss, heaven, regrets, relationship with dead child, remembering dead child, signs from dead child15 Comments

Do you know I still haven’t dreamt of her. Not the real her. I’m ashamed to admit that .Its only been the anguished her that has found me in the dark of the night. The little girl that died in my arms. I have dreamt of her. The horror that she somehow survived day after day.. That pain filled girl comes to me. ..but its not her. please please please i need that not to be her. But I know.. I know somehow she is trying to get to me. Trying to get to me. To reach me. My 6 year old is trying to get to me and she can’t. And I am so scared its my fault. That I am letting her down all over again. I’m sorry jennifer. I’m so sorry I know this is the key. This is they way I will be able to finally[…]

..because life keeps happening..

February 4, 2016Unravel Pediatric Cancergrieving after 1 year, grieving after 2 years2 years, 4 year old grief, 4 year old sibling loss, anniversary of child loss, bereaved sibling, child hospice, child loss, childhood cancer, couples grieving differently, difference in make and female grief, Diffuse Intrinsic Pontine Glioma, DIPG, grief over a sibling you never met, growing up in grief, helping a bereaved family, how couples grieve differently, male grief, marriage after child loss, pediatric cancer, remembering dead child, sibling loss, work and child loss12 Comments

It’s coming. I can feel. Even if I didn’t know it. Even if I didn’t remember it I can feel it. physical .. unrelenting.. grief.. A heaviness in my chest. A strain on my back. Ears always ringing.. just a bit. Heart beating faster and harder. Eyes stinging.. always on the verge of emptying. Another year. .. because life keeps happening. Why couldn’t I save her? Why couldn’t I relieve her pain? Stop her suffering? did i at all baby? was it ever not excruciating? This year is so different though. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. What made sense for all of us and I was able to make it happen. There was freedom in that. Freedom. Strength. Comfort in having a plan that felt right But not this year. This year its all up in the air. And nothing not a damned thing feels right. ..because[…]