spoken in silence

I miss you Jennifer. 

I wish I had something more.. something deeper and more profound to say. Words fail me though. . Because I constantly miss her.. Its always there.. sometimes just a subtle current. But not always.. it scares me how quickly the tide can rise up and drown me in my own sorrow.. ..

I mean I get it.. I think if I was an outsider looking in I would get it.. Its my daughter.. My child. I can cognitively understand that it will never really get better..

But it scares me still, the times that I can feel it slowly building and growing power.. Or times that it just swells up suddenly..

How easily I can still succumb to the simple yet echoingly deep grief. How I can look up at her picture and yearn.. so incredibly.

.. to just follow her into the light..

so much i wish I could go back and tell her.
so much i wish I could go back and tell her.

I imagine it.. A shadow of her. I can’t really see her. But its bright and its warm all  around.. and I can just tell it gets brighter and deeper the closer I look towards her… I can’t quite tell if she is running to me or standing still. .. But I can just sense.. just tell its her. And I can feel her wisdom. The very depths of her soul….

..waiting..

I have no idea if that’s how it will be for us. But I can just sit and imagine that one snapshot.. that one moment. Of getting to my 6 year old again.

… her friends are 8. Eight years old now.

I can never seem to get past that image.. I can be a little before it.. I can imagine my time. When I am balancing between this life and the next.. I can imagine hearing her voice.. knowing she is so very close. I imagine calling for her. Outloud. My now grown children telling me its ok to finally go and get their sister. ..

By then I will have hung on so hard.. so long for them.. I think I will need their permission to go to her. I will need them to find those words.

oh . . my God.. my God ..

i just miss you so much.. 

I imagine them telling me its ok. .. What a gift they will be giving me. But then the thoughts I shouldn’t feel.. shouldn’t speak.. creep in..

I need to be right. I believe. I have faith. But I am so damned scared. .. I have to see her again. I just have to.

Tony will be the one speaking at our golf tournament tomorrow. And he is struggling. .. When he practices and the words catch in his throat. When the pain escapes his grasp.. the one he uses to hold it down and bay.. When it starts to come out it destroys me.

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But then something happens.. we can say so much to each other in just a moments eye contact. So much emotion that language has no words for can pass between us. .. 

And I want to grab him.. Tell him to stop. To pull this pain out of him and take it away. His love for her.. the ache that has taken up residence in his heart.. Its palpable.. And I can’t do anything for him.. except for communicate those inaudible words though our shared pain.

we did it too didn’t we..

a lifetimes worth of conversations

spoken in silence.

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…until there is a cure..

7 Responses to “spoken in silence”

  1. When I look at the blog dates, the time from October 2013 to February 2014 seems so incredibly short, compared to looking at the list of months that come after. I always feel a stab of momma’s pain when I see this. So unfair, so terrible that pediatric cancers get next to nothing in funding. Thank you for all your hard work, and raising awareness. I know you don’t do it for thanks, but thanks. 💗 For JLK

  2. Hi, you don’t know me, but I feel like I know you. I came across your blog love for jlk just a few months ago, I have read every post and now read the blog on this site, unravel. I don’t have anyone in my life with cancer I found your blog by searching because I am drawn to pediatric cancer and want to learn more and do more. Jennifer is so beautiful and my heart aches for you and your family. Your blog has made me want to do more… So much more. Anyway, i’m writing today because I came across something that I think you might like to read. I will copy and paste it at the end of this message. Thank you for sharing with the world. Here it is:

    “The angels could not but look with compassion upon the sorrowing parents. And what comfort they could give them! Oh sorrowing mother, they would say, grieve not so blindly and wildly. The dear child of your heart is not lost, but saved. It is not dead, but more than ever alive. The good and wise and all-merciful Lord, who loves us with infinitely more depth and tenderness than we can love each other, permits this transfer of your child from your home below to our home above, for your good, for our good, and for the good of the child. We will love it with an affection as deep and pure as your own; we will supply its every want. We will keep the precious trust for you and restore it to you when you are ready to receive it. We will more than fulfill your fondest hopes and largest expectations. This is From the book children in heaven by chauncey giles

  3. Your words hurt just cause I know your feelings could be me as easily as it is you. I know I’m lucky it isn’t me — well, at least not yet — but I don’t feel lucky since this keeps happening to kids and parents. I know we all need to do more and that the little things help make bigger things…and in that I see a glimmer of hope…but it’s hard to not just be so sad. I really admire how good of a mom you are…despite the pain you must always have. Thanks for sharing and reminding us all.

  4. Wow.. This wrapped me in a whirlwind of emotion. I found your organization just by looking through ones that I thought would really bring awareness to others to create change. If you have time I would love to speak with you to help you with ways to keep the funding coming to help out your cause.

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