I miss you Jennifer.
I wish I had something more.. something deeper and more profound to say. Words fail me though. . Because I constantly miss her.. Its always there.. sometimes just a subtle current. But not always.. it scares me how quickly the tide can rise up and drown me in my own sorrow.. ..
I mean I get it.. I think if I was an outsider looking in I would get it.. Its my daughter.. My child. I can cognitively understand that it will never really get better..
But it scares me still, the times that I can feel it slowly building and growing power.. Or times that it just swells up suddenly..
How easily I can still succumb to the simple yet echoingly deep grief. How I can look up at her picture and yearn.. so incredibly.
.. to just follow her into the light..
I imagine it.. A shadow of her. I can’t really see her. But its bright and its warm all around.. and I can just tell it gets brighter and deeper the closer I look towards her… I can’t quite tell if she is running to me or standing still. .. But I can just sense.. just tell its her. And I can feel her wisdom. The very depths of her soul….
I have no idea if that’s how it will be for us. But I can just sit and imagine that one snapshot.. that one moment. Of getting to my 6 year old again.
… her friends are 8. Eight years old now.
I can never seem to get past that image.. I can be a little before it.. I can imagine my time. When I am balancing between this life and the next.. I can imagine hearing her voice.. knowing she is so very close. I imagine calling for her. Outloud. My now grown children telling me its ok to finally go and get their sister. ..
By then I will have hung on so hard.. so long for them.. I think I will need their permission to go to her. I will need them to find those words.
oh . . my God.. my God ..
i just miss you so much..
I imagine them telling me its ok. .. What a gift they will be giving me. But then the thoughts I shouldn’t feel.. shouldn’t speak.. creep in..
I need to be right. I believe. I have faith. But I am so damned scared. .. I have to see her again. I just have to.
Tony will be the one speaking at our golf tournament tomorrow. And he is struggling. .. When he practices and the words catch in his throat. When the pain escapes his grasp.. the one he uses to hold it down and bay.. When it starts to come out it destroys me.
But then something happens.. we can say so much to each other in just a moments eye contact. So much emotion that language has no words for can pass between us. ..
And I want to grab him.. Tell him to stop. To pull this pain out of him and take it away. His love for her.. the ache that has taken up residence in his heart.. Its palpable.. And I can’t do anything for him.. except for communicate those inaudible words though our shared pain.
we did it too didn’t we..
a lifetimes worth of conversations
spoken in silence.
…until there is a cure..