There are side effects of child loss, but I have learned lately not all are negative. And none of them are stagnant. They all seem to be, at least for me, on a pendulum.
I realized today I miss some of the moderation that life used to hold. That middle ground of normalcy..
Maybe it will return.. Maybe 10-15 years .. But right now I can’t imagine that it will. I realized today I am always on edge.. Not a razor sharp emotional breakdown edge.. or losing my shit edge but rather just tight? or guarded? or maybe waiting and prepared?.. Not sure the right way to explain it. . I just know I am pretty much never just hanging loose in the middle anymore. ..
Because I know that thing that causes people to say ” I can’t imagine it” or ” thats my worst fear” .. I know the sound of my child gasping for breath and I know the deafening roar that replaces it.. The echo of their absence bouncing though my every day.
Sometimes I cannot believe its already been 2 years. That sounds like so long and it feels so fresh still.. but on the other end of that emotional pendulum is that it feels like it has been forever since I touched her warm body.. felt her long slender fingers interlaced in mine. .. 2 years the truth. my normal doesn’t match either emotion. .. The pendulum of time swings.
And its that way with my surviving kids too.. In so many ways I am more lax .. more willing to let them go and explore and be kids.. be free. Because they are here, they aren’t dead and I love seeing them live. .. I think I swing pretty far on that one.. and then at other times I swing hard and fast.. barraling right past moderation into a gripping fear of losing them.
A pit in my stomach when I am apart from them. That I am missing a moment. .. a memory to be made. And constantly scared of something happening .. and losing one of them. Finding my mind wandering as Jonathan asks to wear his big sisters watch after telling him yes, but he can’t wear it out of the house.. I find myself imagining what it would be for him that was too precious for me to let his siblings take out of our home… and it makes me feel ill.
Sometimes I cry so hard for Jennifer I feel like I can’t move afterwards. That I am emotionally drained of course but also physically exhausted. .. The shattering depths of my sorrow so powerful. It truly is worse than you imagine it would be..
..there is a swing to it. A upside. That pedualuam when it swings takes me to a place I had never been before I lost Jennifer. One of such sheer love. Pure and complete. Intoxicating.
It’s new for me. Brand new this summer with my kids. There are times when I look at them and they seem to absorb me.. or I them, I’m not exactly sure. But its brilliant. And its just overtakes me in the most delicious way ..
I don’t think I was ever able to really embrace the depths of my love for them until I was forced to endure the pain of the loss of one of them.
An upside. A truly remarkable upside.
Years of infertility .. so many miscarriages. I fought so hard for motherhood I truly have always appreciated it. And like all mothers I have always loved my children to the depths of my soul.
I just don’t think I was strong enough to feel the power of love that deep.
I don’t know how I am suddenly able to experience my love for them and joy with them so much more.. but I am grateful for it.
another gift from you.
the depths of my ache for you
the depths of my love for them.
…until there is a cure..