I am happy. My life is good and full and rich.
But.. Well, there is just always a but..
Because Jennifer is missing.
I exist in my joy.. but there is this constant current of sadness. Of grief. Of missing her.
We have had a truly incredible summer. It has been ideal.. (almost aka… but) We have done silly fun things at home. Painting projects..
And bigger things like going to the Beach Boardwalk at night.
And our usual things like days at Gilroy Gardens.
I have smiled and laughed .. and cuddled.. but… but she is missing..
It seems though those highs are always tempting the fall. My life is lived on the side of a mountain.. I am always aware of how close I am to toppling over the cliff. .. And the higher I have climbed this summer in happiness with my surviving kids.. the more scared I am looking off the edge. Because it just seems like a deeper drop.
In the beginning I lived in the bottom. There really was no up. No fall.. Because I was in the depths of it. Then I would slowly take a few steps up and out.. and slip back. But the fall wasn’t far. ..
These past few months I have hiked. Hard. High. I have fallen deeper in love with my 4 babies that run with me.. and allowed myself time to miss the one that soars above me.
I do not want this summer to end.. because I am scared. Like groundhogs day.. Preparing to enter another school year. . Remembering this time 3 years ago. . The unknown of Jennifer entering kinder.. and so quickly being diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. .
And the years that followed. I know .. I just know how hard it is to face all of it .. The holidays and anniversaries. . without her.
Its like I know .. my body knows that time is coming.. And I find myself looking down.. How high I have climbed.. But as I look up the path narrows. .. And I am so scared to fall. . Looking at it from the angle how dark and sharp it looks.. I am scared.
Because I don’t know if I have the strength to make this climb again. . Its not even been 3 years and I am so weary from the fight.. .
I am scared .. everyday the weight seems to be getting just a little bit heavier.. And the fall now. .. I think it just might break me.
I’m scared sissy.
i mean like really truly scared.
..until there is a cure..