Category: burying a child

burst the bubble

I can’t even count how many times I have been asked about my take on the Super Bowl know the one.. Nationwide and the little boy. I’m not going to go into depth about it because all it is is my opinion.. but I will say the backlash from it scares me. I have no idea how to penetrate outside my little world with the information I now know about pediatric cancer… because as anybody that has been trying to spread the glitter has learned people don’t always want to hear it. Its depressing and scary and they don’t want to be brought down scrolling through  Facebook or during a football game.. or … well I’m just trying to figure out when a good time is? See I am too far gone I think. I was the one who turned the channel on any St Judes commercials and those[…]

February 1

Hey Super Bowl. Fuck you. And while we are at it. February can go screw off too. .. Well maybe not. Maybe I love Februaury too. Because its the last month I held her. The last month I felt her heart beating.. Always strong until the moment it stopped. Just like Jennifer was. Today sucks. Because Tony wants to watch the game. Because he doesn’t have the same connection to this day that I do. So we both feel guilty for upsetting the other one. Because Jonathan just can’t stop hurting right now. His pain is strong. Intense. Real and for him so confusing. He doesn’t understand why its suddenly so palpable again. So he is constantly looking for reasons and explanations to explain why the feelings are bubbling. But the truth is.. its simply just almost been a year. And all parts of his body remember. We had all[…]

hope so

The kids and I went to go see Jennifer today. I love having a place we can go when we all just really miss her a little extra. We talked about how its been almost one year since she moved to heaven.. We talked about how our bodies know things even if our minds don’t. Jonathan explained an hour or so later.. that its because we love her so much. Even our bodies love her. .. miss her. As I stood in front of her headstone crying and talking to my forever 6 year old I watched my other 3 following each other around. Looking at other peoples spots, noticing who has new balloons or new flowers. They were enjoying themselves.. among headstones. It was a surreal image. One I could have never imagined for us a year ago. but now it is just us. I talked to Jennifer.. about[…]

Am I?

A year ago was the last day.. likely in my entire life I will have felt hope. Hope. I miss it. Color I miss that too. It seems I see the world always through a haze of gray. A truth in everything I see.. That my daughter is dead. …and I can’t do a damn thing about it. It was a year ago tonight we got the phone call about tumor progression. I remember what she was wearing… a blue shirt that said in sparkle letters.. girls have more fun. i hate that shirt. i love that shirt. I remember making banana muffins with her. She has asked for them specifically. It was just the two of us that made them. The boys sat at the counter and watched. We pretended we were hosting a cooking show. She smiled. She stood. How hard was that for her I wonder? How[…]

small change

I have so much to do right now for Unravel. I am trying to get a few of my blogs selected in different contests.. a way to reach a new audience. We are trying to get a informational video ready and a new brochure and 2 MNOs and so many other things I should be working on. Including our Facebook page. But instead when I opened up FB to go to our page I first noticed there was post by my friend Heather. .. a link to her blog post about recent photo session she had done. You can look here.. I encourage you to look. Fall in love with this family the way I have.  And then get so angry. Because it doesn’t have to happen. I look at this mom. Who is now one of my close friends and my heart breaks. Because I know the ache she[…]

what is a lifetime?

A year ago today. It was a day that lives so strongly in the hearts of those I love. Of being a positive day with Jennifer. There are two more coming up for other people.. days that will forever be the last “right” day for them. She went to preschool with one of her best friends. She had gotten them matching shirts while we were in DisneyWorld and they wanted to wear them. I remember having to talk with the other mom over and over again so the girls could be perfectly matched. They did a great job with it and Jennifer was so happy. It was hard for me to let her go just for those few hours. But I thought she needed that time away.. to be independent again.. to be normal. I wish she had. I wish so much I had to struggle through so many more[…]

deserve it

This morning I was driving to the gym. I crossed over the intersection I turned on daily to take Jennifer to school. It hit me.. in just a little bit I will be making that drive again… this time for Jonathan. And it was like a jolted me. This time I have left with all my living babies at home with me more often than not is coming to a close. Forever. I already know how hard it was to deal with the first time around.. how much I missed Jennifer.. how much I longed to just have her home with me. I cannot even imagine how hard its going to be this time around. I started to feel an immense guilt for taking all the time away from this once in a lifetime gift of time I am having to go to the gym.. or run Unravel. I found[…]

found me

Now it has found me. This deep dark monster pulling me down. I miss her so much right now. I am finding myself not wanting to leave the house anymore. Feeling such a crushing depth of loneliness without her .. Jonathan was at school and Nicholas and I found some old videos of Jennifer and watched them together. I just held his warm healthy body and sobbed. I reminded him how much Jennifer love him.. how many good times they had together. .. and we watched her. Remembering her voice and her laugh. The sing song way she said Mama. I also heard my own voice. I think its changed now. I think this intense sadness has even changed that part of me too. My 3 youngest are at my parents house playing with a cousin. Which is good.. because I needed this time alone. We have a board meeting[…]

4 words

The eve of another 12th.. ..the last 12th before THE 12th. Before it all just starts over again. And its just another day we have lived without her. .. again. How much heartache can one little home hold? Tony is crying .. often. Daily. Its heart wrenching to see the man I love look at me with so much despair.. and I have nothing to offer him. This morning I started to say do you have any idea what we can do to make it better for you. But I stopped myself. Because I know the answer.. and even if there was something I know we shouldn’t be stopping it anyway. But he is hurting. A constant missing of her. A constant empty and lacking for him. That digs and digs .. and just seems to be unrelenting. And harder each day. I want to help him. Somehow heal a[…]

the heart of it

You ever look back and wonder.. wonder if on some level you knew your whole life story ahead of time? There are moments since all of this I have done that. I wrote about it here .. about the signs I had seen along the way. Now too. How I look around and Jennifer is all over our home. Not just the new things.. the things we have added since she died, but so many places before she was even sick. Much more than the other kids.. I just never noticed it. But it makes it easier for me now. I like to make memories with her in the background. Every conversation I have.. Every new memory I make she is there.. in some way I there is a visual presence of her there. And my all time favorite Christmas song. It has always made me pause. Made me stop.[…]