I promised to come back here to remember.. but 6 years ago today I didn’t write.. 6 years ago today I don’t need a blog to help me remember..

This was the last blog I wrote while she was alive.. All of it.. Every single word of fear. Of overwhelming guilt. And the simplest and deepest hope I have ever had. They are all still true.

did i do what you needed?
im sorry i couldnt fix this
please please i need to see you again.. 

I will never not have those questions.. that simple hope. I believe in heaven. The truest part of me knows it is real..

But still.. when your first baby is there waiting.. its so scary.

I didn’t blog.. because I knew I would never need my words to remember. ..

She suffered. My buggers. My just barely 6 year old daughter.. She suffered beyond what I could have even imagined possible.

She knew. She was totally aware but locked into one position. Her eyes. Still so bright. They bore into me. Asking. Searching.

please dont be scared
but i know
i remember 
i cant forget

And I don’t want to forget. .. it was.. she was.. well it was something we simply don’t have a word for.

The depths of her knowledge. Of her reserve. Of her hurt. Of her worry. Of her love. The depths of her..

Its a combination of so many things.. Jennifer Lynn. Her bright beautiful brown eyes… the gateway to her soul.

The only part of her she could move anymore..

But she chose. I know she chose to let me be there with her. To let me be awake. To give me that gift.

I can’t explain the physical reaction I have to this day. To these memories.. one minute I feel such warmth remembering her eyes… the promise they held… How confident I was that this was her time..

And then next I retch. The memory of it all is too much for me physically. .. I double over. . .and am ill. It’s just too much.. this has never happened to me..

but..

Then I’m empty. And I breathe. For the first time in months. I breathe.

oh baby girl
i breathe

for the both of us..

..until there is a cure..