comfortable

Pain.

Big pain  . . real pain this morning.

Upped her morphine…I think its doubled.

Sleeping all day.

Hospice says she is comfortable. . . stable.

I hope so.

I worry she is screaming inside at me.

Something she is needing or wanting. And I am not answering her call for me.

I’m so sorry baby. I love you. More than I ever believed was possible.

Please don’t let her be scared. Let her be peaceful already.

I’m scared we are making the wrong choices. What if she doesn’t really need all these meds? What if her leg itches and she can’t tell me. . .

Hospice can’t say when…but said she isn’t showing the signs that its coming really soon. .

We do all know a big change has occurred. My mothers heart thinks it will be soon though.

A mothers heart.Thats what our girl was born with  . . yet she will never be granted a chance to use it.

DSC_0108JLK sings to newborn Charlotte

WHY?

Our boys came today. Jonathan hugged her and looked at her. I showed him how comfortable she looks.

He climbed on me. . and looked. Really looked. Just for a moment.

. . . hugged her and ran off.

 

 

Oh please let there be a heaven. Please please please let this not be forever.

I have never been so scared in all my life.

IMG_3810

162 Responses to “comfortable”

  1. I think of you all day long and am praying for you. My mother’s heart just aches for you Libby. I look at my own daughter and can picture JLK- yet I cannot come close to imagining your pain. Sending you love and light. One breath at a time.

  2. There is a heaven. And all the angels will be singing rejoicing as she arrives. Jesus will open his arms and she will run to him. I pray everyday tho that she will be healed. Healed so she can be with u and your family. But if that’s not how God has it planned than I pray also that you and your family can rise from the ashes and that you can have strength. That God wraps his arms around your family and lifts u up during this time.

  3. Heaven was invented because of/for people like JLK. She will be at peace. And she will be happy. And time is nothing there — what will be a lifetime for you, will be seconds for her. She won’t miss you long. I believe in this.

  4. Heaven is absolutely real and Jesus is waiting there with open arms for your baby girl. Continued prayers for peace, that God will whisper to you in those moments of doubt and fear and let you know that you don’t have to be strong, He does give us more than we can handle, but that He can handle it all for you and already is. You’re in my thoughts and prayers every moment of the day.

  5. My heart is with you as I type through my tears. I have no doubts that her deepest feelings for you are of overwhelming love- not screaming at you. You have been her rock. You are amazing.

  6. My brother and I found the book Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Near Death Experience and Journey into the Afterlife by Eben Alexander enormously comforting. I’d recommend it on audible so you can listen to it in the author’s voice.

    1. My dad actually also found it comforting before he died too.

      I am thinking of you, wishing I could take your fear away, praying Jennifer is not afraid.

  7. I believe there is a heaven. My mom is there and has visited often! When I see heaven it is peaceful and beautiful. She will be at peace when she arrives. She loves you and would certainly be only screaming that at you nothing else! Prayers for you!

  8. Sending you lots of love. I do believe there is a heaven. I feel it in my heart. I’m following along here and keeping your whole family in my prayers.

  9. That is the most terrifying aspect of this whole situation, the possibility of saying goodbye, “forever”. I am Catholic, teach at a Catholic school, believe in God, the Resurrection, the “whole nine yards”. But I still get scared…scared of the possibility that it maybe it’s not really true. That it’s all a lie. That goodbye just might be “forever.” But then I remember all the little and big reminders and signs from Sam that he is still here around me. That Sam is still a part of me. But then, to be completely honest, I still get scared all over again. Just keep praying, and we will be praying with you. JLK will NEVER be far away.

  10. Oh dear Libby. Praying for y’all so much. My heart hurts for you. I believe heaven is real because I know that King Jesus is real. Praying your heart can find hope and confidence in His love for you and Jennifer even when none of this makes sense.

  11. Dear Libby, writing through tears, thank you so much for sharing your heart with us daily. Jennifer is so beautiful, and she is the luckiest little girl to have you for her mommy. You are a strong mama! Continuing to pray, trusting and believing God for total healing and that Jennifer is comfortable and not afraid.

  12. There is a heaven and she’s an angel returning home. I pray that she’s dreaming sweet dreams. I pray that God gives you strength and patience. Thank you for sharing so much of this very difficult time. I think I speak for a lot of us when I say we’ll never forget. JLK’s beautiful spirit will carry on. I know that’s not enough, how could it be? But we’ll carry her with us and continue to fight for a cure in her honor. So much love and prayers.

  13. Don’t be sad – I am in a snowflake,I am in the rays of sun,
    I am in the sparkling of stars.

    To Jennifer-the glitter girl-shine & sparkle. You are so loved.

  14. Please allow me to share this story. Gerry’s cousin Gail died late last year of cancer. She was 31. She was the kindest most bubbly woman you could ever imagine. A few months after she passed, her husband Jason met a guy who had just lost his sister at about the same time as Gail passed. The guy told Jason that he had just had a dream about his sister – in the dream she was telling him about this sweet and most fun girl she had met in heaven and that they were having lots of fun. Then the guy looked at Jason’s wedding album and said, “That’s her. That’s the girl my sister was telling me about in my dreams.”

    It sounds like an urban legend, but it is not – it is amazing.

    Jennifer will meet lots of new friends in heaven. They will laugh and dance and sing and dress up baby dolls. And she will have no pain. And she will smile her light on you and reassure you how well you did with her, even when you didn’t think you were doing well. She will let you know she’s happy. Somehow she will let you know.

    I am sorry, Libby and Tony. There are no words for the pain you have.

  15. I honestly don’t know how any woman who carries a baby through pregnancy then delivers them into life could
    Handle such a situation as this without the almighty Lord Jesus Christ by their side. Reading your blog just by chance through Facebook tonight has touched me more than ever. I have two children myself. Ages 3 and 4. And as you say, you won’t ever hear her little voice again just tears me up. It makes me so thankful for the times my children wine or scream. At least I can hear them. All I would like to say to you is
    To be strong in The Lord. She will forever be your baby and you will see her again one day. God just needed her more than you did. God bless you dear!

  16. There is a Heaven! There will be a grand party waiting for your beautiful daughter filled with loved ones you have lost including the babies you lost before she came into your life. They will welcome her with open arms where she will be free of the pain that holds her down. They will dance and smile and watch over you and one day you will all be together in Gods kingdom. This I believe, and I pray that his peace comes over you all at this time.

  17. Libby, I understand (& feel) what you’re saying about heaven. In all honesty, even though I was raised in a very religious home, I have always been a skeptic. BUT….in my heart I believe that there is NO WAY such goodness can exist in our children if there is not a God & heaven. It’s TOO good, too deep, too tender to not be more.My middle daughter’s innocence during our conversations at night….just her pure GOODNESS…it feels like proof to me. You love Jennifer so much…there is so much we don’t see. There has to be.
    God bless you for being such a pillar of strength. I know you don’t see it because you are caught up in all the questions and unknown (who wouldn’t be?), but you have done an INCREDIBLE job helping her in every way. You and your husband have given her everything. Thank you for sharing it all.
    Prayers for your family.

  18. I am praying for you all and know that she can feel your love through all of this. She has an amazing mother who loves her and is doing everything she possibly can to show her in a million ways how profound that love is. Hold her close as long as you can and all of us will be here praying for a miracle and sending your our love and strength.

  19. You are her person. She knows you are there and will do everything you can to keep her comfortable during this war against her little body. I’m sending you all the Mama strength I have. You are amazing and she is lucky to have you on her team. Sending so much love to you all.

  20. Amazing, beautiful Mama, I am praying for peace and comfort for your whole family. Your sweet, beautiful Jennifer has an angelic singing voice.

  21. So many thoughts and prayers. I agree that there is a heaven….that time passes there differently than it does here…that the time that Jennifer spends in Heaven waiting for you and Tony and her siblings to arrive will be ‘short’. This is my hope – my prayer – my dream.

  22. A huge test of faith. You will question things as you never have before. I have gone through so many of these same feelings since I lost my Dad about a year ago. But…in time, you will see signs, you will experience things that you can’t explain, things that bring you incredible comfort, that give you absolute confidence that your sweet loved one is in God’s amazing Kingdom. I promise you.

  23. Dearest Libby,
    My heart hurts so bad for you. Just know as we all do that you are the most wonderful mom and you are doing what you feel in your heart is best for your sweet baby girl. There is a Heaven Libby, don’t worry about that and you will be with Jennifer again someday. She will run into your arms when she see’s you. In the mean time you have 3 beautiful children who need that wonderful mommy that you are to be there for them as they grow and Jennifer will help watch over them as she always did. I wish there was something I could do to help ease your pain right now but all I know how to do is pray so that’s what I will do. Please Libby take a deep breath and try to get some rest while you can. God be with you.

  24. Oh Libby…. And Kranz family… You are doing everything so right. You have written about knowing what she needs without her speaking. Your mama instinct is guiding you to do all that you can to help her right now. She knows your love and can be peaceful because of you.

    Heaven waits. Evil will try and convince you otherwise. Have faith. Your sparkly princess will be whole again.

    God bless you.

    1. I agree, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I don’t know if this helps, but I’ve had to be on a lot of painkillers, including morphine, for extended amounts of time during my bouts with kidney stones that had to be surgically removed and I’d like to share my experience in case it helps. I know its not the same as her pain and I was in my mid 20s when I had my issues, but my experience with pain has to be similar enough to ease your mind.

      The morphine, when you’re in agony, is absolutely blissful. I REALLY mean that word, too, I want you to understand that. I didn’t understand the word blissful until I went through this. I slept a lot just because I was finally comfortable enough to sleep. I didn’t feel like I was being forced to sleep, it was just very easy to drift off. Being in pain (it took 8 hours before I could be admitted to the emergency room,not to mention the month it took before I was able to get to a surgery), it takes so much energy, I didn’t realize how HARD it is to be in pain, just in terms of the physical demands. Morphine doesn’t immobilize you, if she had an itch she could scratch it, but I don’t remember feeling much of anything other than a sort of cool sensation flowing through me, like some sort of menthol coating my insides. I wasn’t numb, I just felt an absence of pain. I was in a haze of pure relief from finally being able to relax. I was a high dosage responder to the morphine, always have been resistant to drugs, it took awhile to find the right dose- when they did though, my whole outlook changed. She might not show it, I don’t remember what I demonstrated, I probably just looked like I was disoriented and know I slept most of the time. But I was blissful with relief when I was able to stop bracing myself for the pain. I really think that’s what she’s feeling, I really and truly do.

      I don’t know if this helps, but I had to write just in case. This is one of the most unfair things I’ve ever read and my heart goes out to everyone involved, but I want you to understand that you’ve given her bliss.

  25. My heart aches for you,jlk, and your family. I’m not religious but I believe in heaven. I believe there are angels waiting for her. In my grandpas last days dying of cancer he talked about relatives that hadn’t been alive in years and I believe they were there waiting and holding his hand as he held ours waiting to bring him to heaven. You may not be able to hold her long but there will come a time when you will have a forever with her again. I am not one to write but as tears come to my eyes everyday I read your post I just want you to know you sound like an amazing mother and Im sure your daughter thinks the world of you. I pray you and your family to find peace again and know that your going to have one special angel waiting for you.

  26. I am literally praying and thinking of you and Jennifer every second lately. My whole body and soul just aches for you…and I wish I could shoulder some of this burden for you. Just know that we love you all and that Jennifer is such an amazing and strong little girl and was so fortunate to have you as her parents. I just wish I could give you all the biggest hug and shelter you from all of this pain. Families are forever and you WILL see her again.

  27. I haven’t commented on your blogs, although I have read
    all of them. I could not find the words to say how I feel. How I feel for you
    and your amazing family and what you all are going through. All I can say is you both are amazing parents and are strong as heck! Anything you ever need…. we are here.

  28. I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but I feel deep in my heart that there is a heaven. I have to believe. I know that Eliott is there waiting for me, and while it seems like a long time until I’ll see him again, I don’t think he feels that same sense of time.

    My heart breaks that this is happening to your precious baby, and you all are constantly in my thoughts. Praying for comfort and peace for sweet Jennifer.

  29. I believe in heaven. My sweet nephew Holden is there. I hope they meet and will happily play together until we can both cuddle them again. Continued prayers and much love for all of you.

  30. I think about you and Jennifer every day. I have four young children, and a daughter the same age as JLK. I’m profoundly affected by your reality. I see my daughter and children in a completely new light. There is a heaven. She will bound through those gates, her body perfect. She will laugh and love and wait for you. I pray for you, your husband and beautiful children that your lives will be inordinately blessed by your angel.

  31. I see my mom and have talked with her. Truly. I feel her presence so strongly I know she is not truly gone. I know her spirit lives on. And all of that is small comfort. Because you still miss so much and have been cheated out of so much. But small comfort is what keeps you going.
    You have filled that little girl up with so much love there is nothing in her to give back to you but love. You are in each other’s hearts always and forever.

  32. Libby – your strength and sincerity that you have shown throughout this horrific ordeal is awe-inspiring. I believe there is a heaven and your little girl has a straight shot up there when her time comes. I pray that you find some small comfort in that…I think of you often and your family is in my prayers. I wish there was more I/we all could do for you during this time…

  33. Writing through tears. You are such a wonderful mom. And to share these thoughts with us that are so intimate they shake my soul…thank you. Yes, yes! Heaven is real. Sending you comfort and love from Idaho. I wish I could do more….

  34. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can not even imagine as my daughter is the same precious age. I just want to reassure you that you are doing the right thing. I am an emergency room nurse and have worked in hospice and dying a comfortable dignified death at home is south better than in the hospital. The drugs are making her comfortable as the cancer takes her away. They do NOT shorten her life or change the horrible outcome. I’m sure there is not much you find comfort in but rest assured you are doing the right thing by making her comfortable.

  35. Libby there’s a special bond between a mother and daughter that no one really under stands but being a mother you will always know what she needs and that’s your touch and deep love..your beautiful baby girl had touched my heart like no other I feel your pain. Were all here for you.please give Jennifer a big hug for me.Sending lots of prayers..

  36. You’re so strong and amazing. You’re doing everything you can. I cannot fathom what you’re going through. That face is amazing. She is sweet and strong and she loves her family

  37. She is ok, Libby. I know you feel powerless and helpless right now, but she is peaceful, and will be peaceful. I don’t know if heaven is real, but I wish so much that there is something so that I can see my little boy again. What I do know, in my mama heart, is that he is peaceful now, and happy. I can feel it. And if he is ok, then Jennifer will be ok too. I have felt the fear you are feeling, and it is the worst kind of fear, not being able to save your baby. I am right there with you, Libby. Holding your hand through it. I know it hurts. So much.

  38. Libby I want to thank you for sharing the beauty that is Jennifer. In every photo, every video, she exudes a special kind of love, a grace far beyond her earthly years. I believe so much of who she is, is a reflection of you and your husband, which you should be so very proud of. She knows your touch, your voice, and will be comforted by that even when she’s not able to tell you. Your voice will forever be with her as hers will be with you, and what a beautiful voice that is. God Bless

  39. My heart aches for you. I just wanted to share with you hopefully to assure you there is a heaven. I don’t believe in god because I had a Christian family or because it may be a fad for some. it’s because of how he speaks to me in ways I can’t even explain myself. Changes me when I fight his will and softens my heart when I don’t deserve his love at times. I can’t explain it and I don’t feel his presence always but enough that there is something beyond me I don’t understand. That makes me seek him.
    My father in law passed away a few years ago and I was devastated but before he passed I had a dream someone passed away. I dream I lost someone very close to me. There was a white abyss and my husband stood there in the mist of it. behind him was the dark tunnel that my father in law left to. He was gone. 3 days later my dream came true. I lost grampy. I choose to believe God spoke to me in that dream and told me that I would loose him. A year and a half passed and every day I prayed asking God where “grampy” was I wanted to hear his voice and to know he made it to heaven. Finally a dream…A white abyss I looked back and saw someone coming towards me. I did not think it was grampy at first but then my heart cried out loud it was him and there were 3 angels by his side. I said “I thought we lost you!” Tears streamed down my face as I wrapped my arms around him tightly. I said your heart! I can hear your heart! He looked at me and said “what man cannot heal God can”. I hold onto these words as reassurance. I can’t explain having the dream to warn me that he would pass nor that my son had a dream of seeing the funeral home deja or explain why my sister in law who is not a Christian called him the day before and told him “i feel like i needed to call you and tell you that i love you but i dont know why?” None of us knew we were going to loose him but we had different forms of a spoken word (a thought, a dream) I do believe God came to each of us. God speaks to your little girl he comforts her in ways we can’t explain. My father in law once told me years before loosing him to heart failure that as he prayed before his surgery he started out afraid after deep prayer God lifted his fear it was so strange and incredible he said but there was no fear not any at all. He felt so calm and felt so assured and even content. He came out renewed in his faith.
    God hold little Jennifer her family too reassure them dear Jesus like only you can do.
    God bless you all…

  40. Aching for you. We have hope in Christ because in Heaven all things will be made new and there will be no more sorrow, tears or pain. Cling to Jesus, he cares for you. He weeps when we weep and he bears our suffering when we no longer can.

  41. There is a special place in Heaven for little girls like Jennifer. There are puppies of every kind, all you can eat Skittles, and all day and night they run around and giggle and brush each other’s hair. And ponies. Long haired, soft ponies, each girl has her own.

  42. You are doing the best you can. I think of you every day. I believe her Angels are there with her just as yours are with you. I saw a quote awhile back that I love. It said … we are spirits having a human experience. I believe that. My son in law passed away doing a motorcycle fund raiser for hospice (a freak accident) for days my young grandson talked and laughed with him. I finally asked my grandson who he was talking to. He said … dad!! These stories are told over and over. Everyone cant be wrong … 🙂 right? I wish I could say something to help you … I send prayers for peace … strength … guidance and love. ♥♥♥

  43. My little Alex was 6 years old when he got DIPG. I know your heart ache and am so sorry you are going through this. Alex fought for five months. I want you to know that I know there is life after death. Alex was visited by those we were not able to see. They brought him great comfort. When the time came for him to leave he knew it was time and was reaching for those we didn’t see. I know he is now with family who love him who were already there, waiting and anticipating his arrival. I miss Alex so much and it is the worst pain I have ever known. But he is free and will mine always and I will be with him again. I know it. I’m sure the same is with your sweet little girl. She has angels and family who have already past with her, comforting her. I hope you find peace, it is definitely a process. Big hugs to you<3

  44. Dear Libby—

    I believe in your Mommy sense. You would know if she needed something. You have parented from the gut since you became a mom… it isn’t going to fail you now. Such a beautiful precious little face. thank you for sharing every day.

  45. I truly believe God has a very special place for these beautiful pure angels that we will not understand until we join them in Heaven. God Bless

  46. I know the pain you are feeling.I lost my daughter from this same horrible tumor.Your story and everything you are feeling is how I too felt.The only way that I can make it through without her is the believe that there is a heaven and she is no longer sick.I hope a miracle comes through for your precious little angel but if she does go to heaven I hope she finds my little angel and they can play together.

  47. Although there are no words that can make your horrific pain and completely unfair heartache better, I wanted Jennifer, you, and the rest of your family to know this. For every one person who has expressed their thoughts to you and your beautiful family in your blog and on Facebook, there are literally hundreds more who hold you in their hearts and all of their prayers all day, every day. We ache with you with you as you try to help Jennifer make it through each day in as much comfort as possible. We cheer for your girl when she has those moments, however small, where her sparkle still shines through. We cry with you as your frustrations and feelings of helplessness threaten to consume you. And our hearts break when we think about how cruel cancer can be to such a beautiful little girl who deserves so much better. Please know that you have built a huge community of people who care and are behind you in this horrible journey–even if you cannot see or hear us–we are here. Please feel us out here trying to hold you up when you feel you don’t have the energy to do it yourself.

  48. My heart breaks for you each and every time I read your post. I cannot imagine the living hell you are going through.I have a daughter that is about the same age as Jennifer and your story has made me see that I need to slow down and savor the moments because you never know what tomorrow brings. I love you guys and you are in my prayers all day long. At church on Sunday someone sang that song “Come to Jesus” and the last verse says…
    And with your final heartbeat
    Kiss the world goodbye
    Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory’s side, and
    Fly to Jesus
    Fly to Jesus
    Fly to Jesus and live!
    …I do believe in heaven and when it’s her time she will FLY TO JESUS and we will all see her again.Soon she will be pain free watching down on all of us. I am SO sorry.

  49. Nothing is harder than holding your child in your arms knowing at some point they are going to leave you. I know, I’ve been there. Your amazing strength and love for your daughter will get you through this heart wrenching time. You are doing an amazing family!

  50. I believe, I believe in everything you do is right for that precious angel. I pray for you, your family, and for JLK. I don’t know you, but I feel your pain as if it’s mine. I have three children of my own. My youngest 7, and everyday I look at them and feel as if your daughter has made a life long impression in my eyes and heart and the way I feel and carry myself with my own kids. There is a heaven. I will pray for you always.

  51. Love seeing her beautiful close-up pictures. Feels like holding my own daughter. We have so much love for her and for you and your family. This is not the end Libby. <3

  52. Amazing, wonderful Libby…you are such a phenomenal mother…God has blessed you with such a gift…I think about you constantly. I pray for you constantly. And believe more than anything that heaven exists in all the glory you can imagine…And I have no doubt that it smells like watermelon all the time. Sending all my love and prayers…to you all…kiss that beautiful girl from all of us <3

  53. I know it might seem like it now but there is a God and He is in heaven preparing a place for her as we speak…rest assured if you believe in Him you will see your daughter again in heaven with no pain no suffering no cancer…”For He is the way the truth and the life anyone who believes in me will have everlasting life”:-)

  54. I have been following your daughter’s progress for quite some time. My wife is Shawna Terry , I think you are in the same Los Madres group. I pray every day for your daughter, I keep it to myself. Maybe I should not, but I cry whenever I read your posts on your blog. I so feel for you, in so many ways. I understand what you are going through, but I still have problems accepting it. Why does God do this to us? I am so confused and heartbroken…

  55. Blind faith, painfully blind faith . This is not forever, think of how JlK came into your life. Had to be heaven sent right? I remember holding my breath for you when she was born. I prayed then. We can’t in the worst of times forget Heaven we have seen in the best of times. It won’t always make it better, I won’t pretend to know .. But your baby girl is going to be there waiting for you in eternity. She will. So many prayers for strength, and faith.

  56. I trust there is a Heaven – a sweet and cancer-free place for Jennifer. It’s not easy to always believe in Heaven but I believe you will get a little whiff of it each time you open a fresh watermelon. Comforting hugs to Jennifer and all of you…

  57. Just the fact that pain, suffering, and death feel inherently wrong – points to something more. We were created for more. If we weren’t…. If we truly were just “accidents” made up of matter, death would just be part of the deal. Acceptable. The end.
    But death violates us to our very core. We know were made for more.

    Jesus claimed that He is the (only) way, the truth, and the life. That anyone who believes in Him, won’t just be gone when they die. They will live with Him in glory forever. He made it so simple. Just believe. Yet it is the hardest thing to be asked. We question. We doubt. We forget. We wonder how thousands of years hold up to Jesus’ credibility. Even the men who witnessed firsthand the miracles of Jesus back then were faced with doubt. They had to choose too. And because He is so loving, and such a gentleman… He allows us to decide. What is love if it is forced?

    I am praying for The Lord to comfort you. Oh, I have been on my knees in tears lifting your sweet girl up in prayer. I think most of us mean well with our well wishes… But truly, we don’t know how to comfort you Libby. We can’t. Only God almighty knows what you’re going through. May His Spirit bring you a peace in all the ways we wish we could.

    1. I could not have expressed my feelings any better. You are not alone in this seemingly impossible time. Love and prayers continue to come your way.

  58. I believe in heaven and angels. I am so so sorry. As a mother, I know that we have a strong sense when it comes to our children. May God bless you and your family and know that a beautiful angel will be with you always.

  59. First off can I say I read everyone’s comments… I am shocked by how many of you have also lost a child. So sad. I will say a prayer for all of you as well. What also is very uplifting is EVERYONE believes there is a heaven! AMEN to that! I too believe there is a God and that there is a heaven! Two stories stick in my head in particular that “prove” to me there is a heaven. The first one when my grandpa passed away. He was talking to and saying hello to people who had already died as he was passing on. Another story my elderly neighbor told me of a near death experience she had when she had a major surgery or heart attack (I can’t remember exactly what it was), but that part doesn’t matter… what matters is she told me about these two BEAUTIFUL angels that came to her (with big beautiful wings and colorful as she tells it) reaching for her. She choose not to reach for them, but she didn’t die that day, she came back. She believes when her time comes again that those same angels will be there reaching for her to take her to heaven. She believes those are “her” angels and that we all have our own angels to do the same. Gives us all HOPE! How terribly sad for us here on earth to have to even fathom the thought that such a young innocent child has to endure so much and has to leave us so soon. But, when you really think about it… think about it how Jesus wants us to be… she has it really good. What the Bible tells us is we need to be like a child to enter the gates of heaven, she is a child… she is innocent, pure, full of love! There is NO doubt that she will go STRAIGHT to heaven, no doubt that she will be in the most perfect place of all! They say when you die your life flashes before your eyes and judgement comes, for most of us that is a frightening thought because we know the life we have lived. She is only a few years in and hasn’t had the chances to go down the wrong paths as we all have had. I have a nephew who died on his due date (stillborn). Yes, Jennifer will not be able to be a mom here on earth, but I can truly see her rocking the little babies in heaven and singing to them just as she was in that video to her baby sister. That brings me comfort knowing there are such kind, loving, gentle souls like Jennifer in heaven taking care of my nephew. Just as there are loved ones you now who have passed on who are there waiting to take care of your Jennifer too. Not that any of this will make your anger, sadness, hurt, and numbness go away but I hope and I pray that it will bring you some comfort… maybe not today but someday. Praying for Jennifer, for you, for your husband, for Jennifer’s brother’s and sister.

  60. You are amazing. Don’t ever forget it. Through your strength and your words, you have made a difference in so many lives. You have opened the window into your family and shared with us this journey. This horrible gut wrenching journey that makes us all feel that compassion and love for a person we have never even met. Personally, I hug my children a little tighter, a little longer, because I know there are others out there going through so much more. I am amazed at your strength and admire your desire to continue to make a difference. I wish there were something I could do or say to take away your pain, to give you your sweet little girl a little longer, but I can’t. What I can do is donate to your cause, pray for your family and wish you all peace. That I will do. Thank you Libby.

  61. I don’t personally know you, but have many friends who do. I have been following your journey and had to reach out to let you know that I do believe there is a heaven.

    February 20 will mark the one year anniversary of my brother-in-laws loss to cancer. He was 25. He is the first person that I have lost that did not die from old age/natural causes. I had a very intimate conversation with him while he was in hospice care that I wanted to know if there is truly an after life. It’s just a conversation that him and I had and I never shared with anyone. He told me “trust me, if there is a way to communicate with you I will…I’ll find a way.”

    I am happy to say that he found his way and made me a true believer on more than one occasion. Each time I can tell he was at peace, happy and most importantly pain free! There is a heaven. She will find her way. You will see her again. Her spirit will live on and you’ll be amazed at how powerful the after life really is. It’s truly beautiful to know that.

    Keeping you all in my thoughts, and pray that she is at peace and not scared.

    Xxxx

  62. Libby, if there wasn’t already a heaven, they are building it NOW and the bricks have glitter mixed in. I have to believe there is a good place for her and you will be reunited.

  63. Heaven means different things to different people, but be assured that your sweet girl is destined for the best of all places to rest. She was always be with you. Before she was born – before YOU were born, your paths were intertwined. She lives in your heart now and she will forever.

    I come here to read knowing that I’m going to be sobbing over my keyboard. My daughter bears a striking resemblance to Jennifer – she is beautiful inside and out as well and my heart aches as I imagine what you must be going through. So even though I know I’m going to cry, I don’t want you to cry alone so I come to check in. Your family is an inspiration. I promise, Jennifer will always be with you.

  64. I believe! In what you have given her, what you are doing for her and in the fact that this is not the end. In all the sadness and heartbreak, because my heart aches every minute for your beautiful family, I have to smile…to think that Charlotte will always have her big sister and the day she sang to her. Six years was not long enough but what a beautiful vibrant soul your daughter is! Her physical being may cease existing but she will live on, in all of us! Thank you for that gift Libby! Thanks you for sharing her with us!

  65. Heaven is real. Even when life is confusing, frustrating, and painful, God’s love for people is true. Truth remains and in this, THERE IS HOPE.

    I continue to pray for strength, comfort, peace, healing and hope for your family as you care for one another.

  66. Libby,

    There is no doubt that your love for Jennifer will transcend time. True love always does. Sending you love and peace and more love.

  67. I don’t know your family but saw this blog through a friend. I’m so sorry for all your going through. My prayer….”Lord Jesus, please take care of this dear family and this precious little girl. Let her be comfortable now and take her safely to live with you forever. I pray someday her family will join her and this time would seem like the blink of an eye. But until then hold her momma in the palm of your hand and comfort all of them through this painful time. In Jesus name, Amen.”

  68. there is a heaven. you are doing enough, mama. she knows how much you love her. i am so sorry. all my love, prayers and support.

  69. Dearest Libby, My Dad passed in 2007, once in a while he still comes to me in a dream or nightmare.. The nightmare is just seeing his final moments again the dreams are to assure me he is at peace, happy and can dance again.
    In his final seconds his pain was to much my tears were flooding.. I found myself begging “Oh Lord please no more – Daddy please go to peace” I felt guilty for so long.. But the amazing part I found hard to believe or willingness to feel crazy ?? the last three sec of his passing I saw my grand parents my niece and an uncle come with a smile such peace and joy… I kept this to myself because of how insane it sounds.. All of them had already passed – they were coming for my Dad.. At my mercy God new I just couldn’t bare his pain any more and needed to know he was safe! You will find peace at some point but no matter what you see – There is a heaven and loved ones waiting to be there for her, for you!! She wont even realize she is gone from you but when your time comes she will be the one waiting for you with open arms!! There is a heaven and Jennifer will be able to run play and dance until you join her in heaven.. Sending my love and prayers!!!!

  70. Libby,

    Just wanted you to know there is one more person praying for your family. JLK has so many people waiting to take care of her in heaven – your own family members and the families of all who read this and pray for you. I have sent prayers to my own relatives to help support you all. She has a friend in Jackie who will play with her and make her laugh. And we will continue to love and support you all from here on Earth until the day you join her in heaven. What an amazing mother you are. Prayers, peace, and love to you all.

  71. He will wipe every tear from her eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things will be gone forever

    rev 21 4

    I believe in His promises and pray your family will find peace and hope in this short time here on earth and find comfort that her big life here has touched many lives for all eternity

  72. I’m praying so hard for all of you and I’m so, so, so angry at God and the universe that this is real. You are giving her what she needs. Doubting yourself is part of being a good mom. This sucks so very much, and I’m so sorry.

  73. God the Father, Jesus the Savior and Heaven are real. She will be free, happy, joyful, whole and peaceful.
    God’s Holy Spirit is real I pray that you and your whole family feel His peace that passes all understanding.

  74. Libby
    I am of also a mom of four(2 boys, 2 girls)
    I send prayers to you and your family everyday and night. I went to a funeral today and prayed for Jennifer the whole time. I hope you find strength to make it through this jounery God has set for you and your family. Love, Jennifer Lynn

  75. My daughter makes me believe in God and Heaven. I cannot believe that there can be a love as strong as what I feel for my daughter and not be something more than just us. My daughter is heaven on earth, and I know that we will be reunited in heaven one day. Heaven is waiting for Jennifer. She will be there waiting for you one day. Know it like you know your love for her. Love like that could only come from God. It transcends time and place. It is a form of heaven on earth. Jennifer will be in heaven soon. She will be safe and pain free there, restored to her glittery self, carefree and surrounded by love, as she was in life.

    I pray for you every day. I pray for strength and peace for you all during this time.

  76. While I know that are no words that will help ease your pain, I pray that the love and support of those you hold dear will bring you some comfort during this excruciating time. I pray for peace for Jennifer, for all of you. I thank you for sharing your story, for helping to spread the word about this devastating disease. For opening your heart and your lives to us so that we can be blessed with the beauty of your precious little girl. I cried just now as I listened and watched her sing to Charlotte, how appropriate of a song in so many ways.

    Baby mine, don’t you cry.
    Baby mine, dry your eyes.
    Rest your head close to my heart,
    Never to part, baby of mine

    From your head down to your toes,
    You’re not much, goodness knows.
    But, you’re so precious to me,
    Sweet as can be, baby of mine.

    God Bless You, Libby. You are in my constant thoughts and prayers!

  77. Please believe. Yes, there is a heaven. Have faith sweet mama. God has made promises to us that believe. This is not goodbye for your daughter. You will see her again. I know you heart aches and I can’t imagine what you are feeling but you will see her again. Please try to take comfort that you will see her in heaven. I pray for peace for your family until you are reunited in heaven. Our Heavenly Father is with you always.

  78. Thank you sharing such a private moments with us. My heart aches with every blog you post. Today the tears won’t stop. I can’t imagine your pain,fears,questions? I believe there’s a heaven. I believe you will see her again. Don’t believe for a second you won’t. I’m praying for you all constantly. Praying for Comfort for JLK and praying for you that God comforts you and wraps you all in his love.

  79. My heart goes out to you. There is definitely a heaven, I promise. I will continue to pray for you and your family. She will be at peace, surrounded by pure love. A friend of mine passed away during a stroke, and was sent back to tell us all about it. We will all continue to pray for you. I know hospice is a very comforting group, I just went through my mom.s journey to heaven with them. Sending a huge hug and all of my support. xo

  80. Reading and praying, reading and praying. Sending you love and hugs during this battle and beyond. I pray Jennifer comes and visits you often to give your heart a little less pain as you know she is still safe and well cancer free.

  81. This isn’t forever Libby. And once she is in Heaven, you will get signs, wonderful signs to let you know that she is ok. I understand the questioning…but you need to trust that you are doing everything right…and you are…..

  82. Be assured there is a heaven. God WILL greet your beautiful daughter there. I hope you can find even a bit of peace in knowing he will hold her close until you see her again. She will be pain free and happy. I can’t imagine the pain you feel, as a mom, I know it has to be beyond unbearable. Your family will remain in my prayers….

  83. My heart aches for you…I am without words. God Bless her and relieve her from pain and suffering. And God Bless you and continue to give you the strength and peace you need to be there for her and your family. Sending you viral hugs. <3

  84. Jennifer is wonderful hands. Her angels who guide her, her heavenly Father and all who have gone before to this eternal peaceful Kingdom. My Dad, loved by all young and old, but especially the children, will welcome Jennifer with his strong, yet soft welcoming hands …she is not alone and her Spirit fills hearts. It is so hard to let go of a loved one, but peace awaits her. Give her permission to be there. love and blessings more than you know sent everyday, Libby.

  85. I really don’t think she is suffering anymore. My nephew Chris was in his last days he was just like this but I know for a fact that God was standing with him. He often mumbled to the Angels and often spoke of Jesus and other family members that were present with him. He passed when he was 11 after suffering 3 years with an incurable bone cancer. The right time and place is already set for your little Angel and not till then will she be ready to move over to the other side and be an Angel to her family. How blessed you were to have had her in your lives. So “until you all meet again” God Bless the family and fiends with strength acceptance and comfort.

  86. Reading this brings me to tears, even though we have never met, I am so sorry for you and your family. I will be thinking of you every day. You are an amazing person and mother.

  87. I have a lot of questions about faith and spirituality and religion. But I don’t doubt for a second that there is Heaven. And I don’t doubt for a second that Jennifer will be waiting there for you all someday. I am praying for a few more good moments before then for you all. Sending peace and love.

  88. Libby, the love you and your daughter share is stronger than death. Jennifer feels your love. I have complete faith that you and her will meet again in a very beautiful place. She will be well again and you will spend an eternity together. That’s what I truly believe. Love and blessings.

  89. Libby, you are an amazing women.you have done everything humanly possible to keep your sweet angel comfortable. I believe. There is a heaven and that your Beautiful daughter will be there waiting for you. I read Your blog every day a lot of people do. As I fight the tears that fall I feel as a community we are all there with you. Sweet Jennifer I pray for your peaceful journey to heaven and comfort for you family and all who love you. You have captivated us and we will continue to fight for you♥

  90. I believe in heaven. I believe in a joyful, peaceful place of pure love, holding the souls of our loved ones. It breaks my heart to know that Jennifer will beat us all there. I expect heaven will have much more glitter with her joining the ranks of angels. I’m not ready for her to go yet. None of us are ready for her to go. I’ve never met you in person, but I have been with you since before our eldest daughters were born and I will be here for the after. Jennifer is changing me – opening my heart wider, making my love for my kids more fierce, my love for my neighbor stronger. I know my words can’t make any if this ok. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. Hugs and prayers for you all.

    Love,
    Melissa

  91. I believe there is a heaven. I am praying for your family. I am so sorry that you have to go through this heartache. May God be with you during this difficult time.

  92. My beautiful, you have done all you have needed to, you have given JLK love, pure, pure love. There is a heaven, ask for a sign, open your heart, give him all your pain, I know you prefer not to be told about religion, and I am sorry, but my heart cries for you to call out to him, ask him, tell him, want him, need him, he will give your soul peace in these moments. I adore you & love you, just with your words, your heart of love. I’m sure the same goes for others.

  93. May God bless you an your family need in this time of . i believe there is a heaven an he us waiting with arms wide open to take care of you precious little girl

  94. So, so sorry. There has to be a heaven. There just has to be. I so wish you didn’t question yourself. You can’t make a wrong decision. You are her parents.

    Sending you so much love and prayers <3

  95. My heart is breaking for you. I don’t know if words will provide any comfort but there are so many people praying for you and wanting to comfort you. We’re here when you need support. Jennifer is a beautiful, amazing child and she has touched many people’s lives. Whenever I see glitter, I will always think of her! xoxo, kathy

  96. My thoughts and prayers are with your little girl and family…there absolutely IS a heaven & your little angel will be safe in the arms of the Lord. I cannot imagine ur motherly struggle with this & I pray for you thatyou somehow find peace in all of this

  97. I think of lil Jen everyday. Every morning I wake and hope to read she is still hanging on. I’ve followed Talia and Laney and Jen and it just makes me sad that these beautiful little souls had to be dealt this horrible disease. I pray for you .

  98. I have been following your story for quite sometime. Friends of friends postings. Im not a religious person, but do believe in god and heaven. You and JLK are in my thoughts. I hate that you or anyone else has to go through this. Big hugs to all of you!

  99. All of us are here Libby. We want so much for this not to be happening. I feel more and more sad with each day and the uncertainty has got to be agonizing. You guys have done everything you could. She knows you tried and when she gets to heaven, God will explain it all to her… There is a heaven and if anyone in this world is going, it’s Jennifer. She will always be with you- always a part of the family, always will be your first born… I am so sorry Libby.

  100. There is a heaven and they will meet her with open arms and she will make it sparkle with glitter all around her and her beautiful smile!

  101. Libby: There is a heaven, there is a God. I know like others have posted. I have been witness to him, too long of a story to post here, but it had to do with my then 15 month old daughter and brain surgery. It was God who led me to get her the help she needed. Led me to the people that I needed to meet. For 8 months I searched for answers. Time and time again it was proven. I heard him. Be still and listen. A friend (an earthly angel) told me this when I was looking for answers to my child’s illness: “Fear and doubt are not of God. Be still and listen, God talks to mommy’s through their gut.” You are a warrior Mommy! You will move heaven and earth for your children, your love in unconditional and knows no limits. Sit with her, sing to her a favorite lullaby, gently in her ear. Your love will be with her through eternity. It is made of a fabric so strong that nothing and no one can break it. I truly believe that we are chosen as parents for our children. Jennifer and God chose you before she came here. Hugs, love and prayers to your whole family.

  102. Praying…

    Jennifer looks peaceful. She does not have a look of pain or discomfort. You guys are doing enough, you are giving her LOVE, and she feels it.

    When my brother was near the end (cancer also), he spoke of our father (gone 36 years), being there with him and helping him button up his shirt.

    I have other signs from my father, brother, mother, friend. Be open to them, and enjoy the moments your kids will speak of. They are more open to the signs, and will share with you if you are open to them as well. Embrace her signs that she is alright. God bless you all.

  103. She looks beautiful resting. You are all a strong and inspirational family…..praying for you and please don’t question yourself, you are doing all you can do

  104. There are no words. Not an hour goes by that I’m not thinking of your family. I so desperately wish we could stop this from happening. Sending love and prayers from Georgia. <3

  105. Oh honey, I don’t know you, but my heart knows yours. 23 years our precious son Jeff left us at age 11. There aren’t words to describe what a mom goes through, but it is ugly and hard and it HURTS. There is a heaven, and you will see her again. The only way we have survived is trusting Jesus to care for Jeff even better than I could. Please know that my heart goes out to you, surrounds you with live and prayers especially your precious little girl

  106. What a beautiful thing you are doing for her.It might not seem like it rigjt now but this is going to help another mother who is going to have to see her precious child fade away. God vless you and your family at this time. Just know that when you get to heaven you will have an angel waiting there to hold you in her arms again.

  107. You are good, Mama! Sharing your bond with us has given me more mindful guidance in really looking at my children and being present for them. I will not walk by anymore, I promise. Your daughters work here on earth has been short but profound and will continue to make immeasurable ripples to help others. She has given you stronger bones and a solid heart. Many hands and hearts you have all linked. Your babychild will have a peaceful journey. Love~

  108. I think about your family every day. I pray for your hearts everyday. Please Know that there is a very loving God and he has not left your side and will take such good care of your baby girl. Your daughter is absouletely beautiful and appears so peaceful. Jennifer knows you have done everything you can and loves you so much for your tireless days and nights. I have a six year old too her name is Emma yesterday after we said grace at dinner time Emma said an extra prayer just for Jennifer, she prayed said she she is sure Jennifer will laugh a lot and have the biggest play structures and lots of dolls to play with. My family keeps you close to our hearts.

  109. There is a heaven. I have had a lot of experiences with loved ones and friends that have crossed over and had communication with them. It is a beautiful place where all transgressions of others no longer exist for them. They help us in everyday life. Some I really believe were called to be angels for the rest of us. You will see her again. You may see her in your dreams and it will be real. She will never leave any of you. The love is too strong. God bless you all and keep you in a loving blanket of light today and always. She will always be beautiful, innocent, wonderful Jennifer. Some people go back to their best time. She will always be just as she was at her healthiest, Libby. She is so lovely and looks peaceful. Hold that in your heart.

  110. Don’t worry and give all your worries and cares to God. Jesus is looking after you and your precious baby girl. She is loved and I believe that God will take care of her. Praying for peace and comfort and strength in this very difficult time. She has touched so many hearts that I know each minute of every day is precious and to appreciate every moment we have. Prayers to your beautiful family

  111. I found your blog through a message board that I read and I have read every single entry. I haven’t commented until today because no words seemed adequate. I am so sorry you are going through this. As a mother, my heart is breaking for you. I pray for your family and your daughter every day. Thank you for taking the time to write this blog and raise awareness.

  112. Don’t worry mama. I’m sure she is so proud that you are her mom! Sending you strength and wishing you and your family peace.

  113. My 17 year old daughter, Molly has a rare liver cancer. She is having tremendous pain. I understand your pain, there has to be a heaven, it is the only thought that gets me through the days

  114. I read, not only every blog post, but so many of the comments. This is my first comment. It saddens me that it is soooo easily to tell the loving people who have not lost a child and are hurting for you, from the loving people who HAVE lost a child and are hurting for you…even when they don’t say they’ve lost a child. Losing your child changes everything about you. It’s like a soul tattoo. It is something I don’t want other people to understand, and it makes me sick that there are so many people who do understand. My heart bleeds for you, every single day.

  115. I sit here crying, no–sobbing, as I read of your pain and sorrow. I have been living with fear every day as I watch my niece, Emily Zimmerman (aka, The Cancer Warrior Princess) battle brain cancer. I have been following you all as well. Please know that you and your sweet baby girl are in our prayers every night. I, too, pray there is a heaven because if there is, I am certain my friends and family members who have passed will be there with warm, open arms to greet her. All my love ~ Laura

  116. Many of us from Antonio del Buono School here in Gilroy have been following your story. Our daily thoughts and prayers are with you and your beautiful family. We would like to make a donation from our Home $ School Club to help your family. Is there an address that we can mail a check? Please let me know.

  117. Libby,
    I don’t know the pain you are going through but I will walk this walk with you for as long as you allow us to be here. I know there is a heaven and I know Jesus will take great care of jennifer here on earth as well I heaven. Praying for comfort for Jennifer as well as for your family.

  118. Praying for you. Yes, there is a heaven and Jesus is waiting for your JLK. As he waits for all of us. We will all join our loved ones one day. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family.

  119. There is a Heaven. There is no doubt. How else could you have been given such an amazing gift in your beautiful JLK. Hold strong to your faith for without it what do we have? God bless you all during this incredibly difficult time. I keep listing to a song by Mercy Me called “I can only imagine” I think of your Jennifer when I hear it and I feel a great sense of peace for her. I can’t comprehend the pain you are feeling, but yes, yes there is a heaven.

  120. No Words…I just feel like I need to add my name in love to the long list of people who are with you in spirit tonight. We may never meet Libby, but you, your family, and Jennifer have touched my heart so deeply.
    God bless all of you…he is close. <3

  121. There is a heaven. I have no doubt.
    When I think of you I always think of this by ee Cummings

    i carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
    I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

    Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
    i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

  122. I will pray for you. I will pray for your beautiful baby. I pray that the Holy Spirit will surround you, comfort you, bless you, heal you, carry you… I will pray for a miracle for your sweet baby girl. I desperately pray for her life here, with you. I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord.

  123. There is a heaven. I believe in God, Christ who died on the cross , and I believe he’s holding her tight now. She will be there, and if you believe in Him too, you will see her again.

  124. I believe in life after death. My son, Nathan passed of cancer at age 8 1/2 years old. During a treatment he said he had a dream. Nathan went on to describe my mother and one month old daughter who had passed before Nathan was born. He described my mother down to a little mole she had, yet he had never seen her. Nathan said the woman had white hair and was holding a bold baby waving for him to go to her. I showed him pictures of my mother and daughter and he said that was them.Nathan lost his fight with cancer. The pain will never go away but it will get better with time. Please think of Nathan’s words to me before we ever knew he had cancer. I wrote these words in his baby book “MOM, everything you love dies or goes away. But someday when God is ready we’ll all be together again and no one can take that away”. My son was seven when he told me this. Remember on your toughest days, you’ll see your daughters happy, healthy face and hold her again “When God is ready”. I’m so very sorry for your pain.

  125. I am a stranger but feel compelled to thank you. The horror of your reality has touched me deeply. There is absolutely nothing fair about this! Please know that today I will be a better mother, I will fight harder to help…I promise you that. You are a stranger, but I am crushed for you. My tears reading about your life will turn to fuel TODAY. I will do something to make a difference. Your Jennifer will live on. Your way with words and ability to convey your love throughout this horrific nightmare will change the lives of others. Thank you. Sorry doesn’t come close.

  126. I just found the link to your blog on a church friend’s Facebook page! I’m so sorry for your loss! 🙁 Your family is in my thoughts & prayers! <3 This friend from my church & her family just lost their 4 yr. old daughter to DIPG almost 11 months ago!

  127. Heaven is real. When my auntie went to be with Jesus at the moment she crossed over into her new home she was surrounded by all of her family and loved ones. As she passed everyone in the room heard the heavenly angels singing and welcoming her home. They said it was the most beautiful sound they had ever heard. Heaven is real and your beautiful daughter is resting in the arms of Jesus!

  128. I am praying that God will wrap her in His loving arms and give her and you His marvelous PEACE. Our family lost a beautiful little niece at 8 years from lukemia. So very great is this type of loss. My heart hurts for you I hope it helps to relieve your loss. Love and God bless.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *