Did you know the former first lady lost her little girl?
When she passed away.. (ok the day before I was the dodo that saw the one erroneous posting and shared it!) .. I was overcome with emotion. So happy for her.
In such awe and also such fear.
Awe for the impactful life she was able to lead after losing her daughter. For being the wife of a president and then raising one. If she could do that I can do this.. And for being brave enough to share about her daughter in the days when that was taboo..
She lived so long. So long in such heartache. Its only been 4 years .. but its tiring.. Its a grind. The always present undercurrent of missing Jennifer.. Its seems impossibly daunting to keep this up for another 60 years..
And then the immense guilt over that.. Over feeling like I should be able to completely disconnect from it by now and just absorb how lucky I am for her wonderful 4 younger siblings.
But I have read article after article about her.. And even had one of my brothers so sweetly call me yesterday to read me from Bush sr memoir so I could know more about Robin..
*** very important side note.. wanna know how to help .. make that call .. take that risk that you will be shut down. It meant the absolute world to me that my brother saw me post about Mrs Bush’s reunification with her daughter and called to read to me.. those moments are what truly help.. What make the grind survivable .. especially as time marches on***
I can’t help but draw so many similarities to us and this famous family.. She was quoted as saying the death of her daughter is something she never got over, but she felt her love around the family throughout the years. We can’t touch her, and yet we can feel her.
I do. I feel Jennifer. I have to be strong enough to allow it though.. and thats hard for me lately.
At the beginning of the excerpt my brother read to me said they were told Robin had Leukemia but didn’t know what that was.. And I was shocked.. I couldn’t imagine not knowing what Leukemia was.. And that it was so immediately terminal But by the end of the call it had hit me..
We sat in a tiny room too.. And we were told a diagnosis we had no idea the meaning.. or the terminal price tag. We were both given the option to try something that wouldn’t save our girls or take them home and love them.
We both tried. We both lost.
‘I truly felt her soul go out of that beautiful little body. For one last time I combed her hair, and we held our precious little girl. I never felt the presence of God more strongly than at that moment.’ Barbara Bush
I never have felt such love and warmth.. God .. the way I did as I held Jennifer in her final hours. I have struggled HERE trying to explain it to my own children.
And they also donated their daughter to help other kids that would follow..
‘It wasn’t hard. It made Gampy and me feel that something good is coming out of this precious little life. And today, almost nobody dies of leukemia.’ Barbara Bush. I do want to note here that so many parents that have lost their children to leukemia do not agree with this quote.
But here we part ways.. the day we donated Jennifers tumors was very difficult to do.. Leading up.. I knew we would. We had to. But the day of.. it was so much harder than I imagined it would be… but we did it.
Because of their generosity the terminal prognosis of leukemia has changed.. And that hope that just came out from Stanford. . Means just maybe… just maybe before join I Jennifer I can say those words about DIPG.
In an interview in 1994, she was asked if she ever got over her daughter’s passing.
‘No,’ she responded, adding ‘And that’s okay too, but its true she is a happy part of our life now.’ Robin to me is a joy. She’s like an angel to me, and she’s not a sadness or a sorrow
i will never get over your death
i will never quite the grind
because i will get us to the happy
… until there is a cure..