with the patience of eternity

I know I need to write..

But Im scared to.

But then again Im scared not to.

I find myself aching for her.. I find myself wanting to hide and just be with my kids.. (and husband) shutting out the rest of the world.

I am strong. I am the second strongest person I know.

I am broken. I am the most broken person I know.

I am crying constantly it seems.. just a tear.. maybe two.. Then it dries up. My pain burrows deep and hides itself away..

I freeze.

I sat down now to work on our speeches for upcoming Night on the Town in Sacramento.. I started to pull up pictures for Tonys presentation.. and I felt that familiar buzz…

a weight on my chest.. forcing all the air out of my body. an invisible noose tightening quickly around my throat. ..  I exhale.. and its gone.

I freeze.

Its been 4 years.

4 years..

I feel like I should know what I am doing by now.. But each year.. so different from the last brings a whole new set of challenges ..

 i failed you then.. i fail you now.. but its just so hard sissy miss.. 

Opposite ends of the fireplace two pictures stare back at me. Kindergarten pictures.. Jonathan is so different now .. so changed. But she is the same she is frozen too.

Forever 6. Forever. 

forever 6 yet such depth.. somehow also timeless..

 

I read a meme thing on facebook.. how old will your oldest child be in 10 years.. how old will you be??

6 and 48

add ten more years..

6 and 58..

swallow.. choke and freeze.

Jonathan has grown so much.. changed so much..

But she hasn’t.. We’ve lost 4 years of growth.. of attitude .. of hugs and eyerolls.. 4 years of my daughter..

 

what would you look like now jennifer… i just want to know you still..

I try to imagine.. wondering if it would give me any relief.. but I can’t. I cannot make my mind stretch to what she would look like now. I try to force it .. that question slamming around in my head.. Holding my heart hostage from feeling.

When she first died Tony could hardly look at her pictures.. certainly couldn’t stomach videos of her.. Her voice.. her laugh.. You could see it physically slice into him.. Now that’s me. I am ashamed to admit I often drop my eyes.. I often have to look away..

Because I wonder … over and over again.. who would she be now? Who we would all be?

i failed you then.. i fail you now.. but its just so hard sissy miss.. 

But now I look. Now I can’t stop staring into her eyes.. remembering her.. allowing my heart to explode. In pain and in love.

Because that’s all parenthood ever really is I guess.. an explosion of love so big it hurts. 

I think she has just been waiting with the patience of eternity for me to embrace my strength to find her again.. To brave the rapids of sorrow over missing her.. to give voice to my questions and dance in the storm again.

i know you now

better than i did before

its the essence of you

that embraces me

that waits for me now

..until there is a cure..

 

6 Responses to “with the patience of eternity”

  1. Heartbreaking. She’s there, watching over her babies and loving you. Keep going Libby you’re doing so many great things. She’s never far from my thoughts and neither are you!

  2. Four years. . .so impossible to believe! I, too, cry for all of you every time I read a post. What would Jennifer look like? She would be just as beautiful as she was at 6 years of age. She would be so full of life and fun, so caring for her brothers and sisters, she would be strong and proud and bright and amazing! I know that, you know that. . .horrendous part is that Jennifer’s family is unable to enjoy that time. Sending so much love and prayers and hugs as always!

  3. 7 years here, and I also feel like I should have a better handle on this by now….but I don’t. I wonder if I ever will……my youngest will be surpassing her big brother’s age this year….it opens up a whole new portal of grief. He would be turning 19. Died when he was 11. His baby sister was only 4. She’ll be turning 11 this year. I’m grateful and so very sick about it all at the same time……

  4. Libby-you so expressed so vividly every parents biggest fear. My heart goes out to you. I wish I could do something to ease that pain. You are an amazing mother and person. I admire how you are still fighting for your daughter by helping other children and their parents not suffer the way you have…,

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