About 2 years ago I shared a piece of our life unconnected to childhood cancer. What I realized might have been the purest for them because of her.. Certainly the first. We placed 4 embryos for adoption (huh? Read here).
These embryos turned children live in Texas, and when we found out we were having a MNO event there my first text was to their parents to see if they wanted to meet.
They did. Mostly I was excited. Just to meet all of them. See them, Liz and Kevin and the kids, Sammy and Ethan. To just know what it was like to meet these genetic children .. my kids biological siblings that aren’t mine.
Of course I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous too.. I was going into it not having a motherly pull towards these kids.. but what if that changed??
It didn’t. It actually confirmed that we have none of that. Its more like I love those kids because they are my friends children (Liz and I have created a true friendship) It really felt like the love I have for any of nieces and nephews. There is no word for it.. For us. For any of us to use for each other (genetic siblings etc.. just doesn’t suit out relationship) that we like so we have decided to let the big kids tell us what it should be when they come visit us! Yup we already have it planned!!
The timing of it all, of placing these embryos for adoption.. We did it for Jennifer. Because she was asking questions.. because we knew she would love it.. because biology isn’t what makes family love is..
Liz got pregnant with her Sammy just a few weeks before my Jennifer was diagnosed. .
Liz and Kevin have always known we did this for Jennifer. They have always been incredibly grateful to her for it.. I think we all have been.
So meeting with them felt like she was part of it..I needed that.
We ended up at a park.. The men took the girls (Bridgette and Sammy) off to play and the moms sat down and talked in the shade.
Through that conversation I had a beautiful connection with my daughter.
When Jennifer was dying we were so connected. Able to communicate without words. Like our souls.. our hearts had a language all their own.
Sometimes it still happens. Excruciatingly beautiful.
Sometimes there are moments I just know what she is thinking and feeling..
That was one of those moments.
I can’t even remember how the exact conversation was going but I will never forget where the conversation ended up..
Jennifer would have been an incredible mother. It seemed her whole life she was preparing for the opportunity she would never be given. That has haunted me. Tremendously. That she was stolen from what I think she was made to do.
I wanted for her to experience getting to bring life into this world. Especially that miraculous moment that you realize you made you a family. I remember that so vividly. Seeing Tony holding Jennifer. Knowing I did that. I made him a Daddy. .. It never mattered to me how I did.. Only that I got to do it.
And it has hurt me so much to know that Jennifer would never get that chance..
Sitting under that shady tree talking I realized .. she did.
Jennifer is the reason Sammy and Ethan are here now. She created their family. She has gotten to experience a taste of that power.. and magic. Jennifer got to experience her own version of bringing life. .. of creating a family.
And I knew in that moment. My heart .. my soul knew how desperately she wanted me to know that too.
finally mama finally.
I wanted to be in the room with you. I wanted to be coaching you along.. reminding you to breathe.. I wanted to be with you baby.
you were mommy you were
All of it. .. That was the whole reason for the damn trip for me. That message from my daughter was the whole damn reason for me. I feel like the whole trip was orchestrated .. So two Mamas could get what they needed.
good kids. great family.
you done good baby girl.
and your mommy is so proud of you.
..until there is a cure..