I am out of control.
Watching Jennifer struggle. Witnessing her slow and painful death.. I learned I have no control…
And now.. I constantly feel like I am being battered by wave after wave of emotions.
I wish I could control my mind better… I wish I could control the triggers.. know when they are coming.
..But mostly I wish I could contain them better like I used to..
It seems like its getting worse now in that aspect. That when I used to carve out time daily to write I could control the anguish better and keep it locked up until I was ready to take it out and examine it behind this keyboard..
But it seems along with the growth I have talked about recently is this new thing. .. my loss of control over the triggers.. And the way I am reacting to them.
I have found lately that losing Jennifer seems to permeate its way into happy moments.. it seems to seep in and tarnish wonderfully delicious moments with my living children ..
its not fair.. and lately its been happening more and more.. so my frustration.. and frankly my fear over possible emotional landmines makes me want to lock inward more and more. .Trying to protect all of us from the outside world.
I find as my desperate sadness seems to not be as constant, the sharpness of anger.. my jealousy.. my fear seems to be turned up in strength and volume..
Time is passing and as my living children grow it seems to be going faster and faster..
mercifully.. and cruelly so, depending on the angle I am looking at the passage from.
I am anger.
I took Charlotte on a walk/bike ride and I watched her ride ahead of me.. I thought of how next year she would be in preschool a few days a week and the year after that she would be in kindergarten. I thought how quickly this time is passing .. watching her grow smaller as she rode out ahead of me I thought this is exactly how it was supposed to be. That we watch our children grow out and beyond us.. And I was sad at how soon it will be that she isn’t a constant in my every day..
and then my stomach lurched forward.. I felt my whole body tense up.. And I wanted to scream. I remembered having such similar thoughts with Jennifer.. but going in a completely different direction.
The realization that Jennifer would never grow any more.. that I will never get to watch her ride away to the rest of her life.. and that gnawing fear that what if I don’t get to with Charlotte either. ..
It erased a beautiful moment with my daughter. .
I am jealousy.
The other day scrolling through FB I saw a birthday announcement for a just turned 6 year old little girl. One whose family used to be part of our daily until Jennifer got sick. . Too much for them to handle. I couldn’t believe it was possible this younger sister was actually 6. And I was mad. Jealous really.
Why my daughter? Why were we told she would die on her 6th birthday? And other people just get to celebrate… And move on with their lives. .. When we are forever changed.
I am fearful.
Jonathan learned how to make snowflakes at school and its become his latest and greatest trick.. I find them constantly stashed all over the house. . So they typically end up in the trash. This one was headed to the same fate.. but as I went to throw it away something from my depths screamed out.. “wait. stop. think. you would want this” ..”imagine how you would react finding it”..
So I stopped. I held it me and rocked the crumpled paper and pleaded silently for this not to be a premonition.. I am now so many things I never ever imagined I would be. ..
I am a mother to 5, I am fearful, jealous, angry. I am a bereaved parent and a working mom. I am broken and forever incomplete. I am grieving and I am surviving. . I am..
for the 6 years 3 months and 15 days i got to touch you
for the 9 years 2 months and 19 days
i have loved you.
…until there is a cure..