It feels like so long since I have blogged. I uploaded (or down loaded not really sure the difference!) pictures from my camera yesterday. I looked at them today to remind myself what I have been wanting to write. As life happens I think to myself how I want to write it…and explore it.

Coming home has been quite the transition though. Not much day to day life more-so wonderful memory making time. It started with Christmas and then what we call Scharrenberg Christmas and then Disneyland…home to New Years Eve and lice!! eek (although not fun…another life experience with my girl in the books) I thought today as she was getting de-liced that one day when the boys are in school and a lice outbreak happens somebody who doesn’t know might say I am lucky I don’t have another daughter since its harder with girls hair…I am already thinking of the comments that will be made without people knowing the pain a simple comment can cause….

Scharrenberg Christmas was good. Our kids had a great time and a friend of mine came and took family pictures of all almost 40 of us and the cousins together all 21 of them. Although it was obviously very nice to have this done now…it was actually for my parents upcoming 50th anniversary.

I love family pictures…I love photographs of my kids…Will I still? I honestly don’t know.

The day after my parents took the boys away for their special trip and we headed off for ours. We love Disneyland. The first time we went was to celebrate finalizing Jennifer’s adoption when she was 9 months old. I wasn’t really all that interested in going..Then we fell in love with the park. It is just a magical place. Her favorite attraction that time was the tiki room…this trip we capped off with a visit there and she still loved it.

We didn’t tell her where we were going only that we were taking a plane ride and it wasn’t Disneyland! The pilot announced that Jennifer Kranzs parents were surprising her with a trip to Disneyland.She was so excited. For the trip and the location of course but I think also getting mommy and daddy to herself. We told her this trip was for her and about her. That our upcoming Make A Wish trip to DisneyWorld is a family trip, but this one is all hers. A celebration and treat because she finished radiation treatment.

This trip also helped prepare Tony and I. We did some people/parent watching. We came up with game plans for the family trip…what our goals are and how we can deal with the inevitable meltdowns that are going to happen. This time allowed us to make the memories with her…so that Disney World we can make more as a whole family.

This is the busiest time of year at Disneyland…But we got to do literally everything we wanted due to an amazing donation of VIP services and a connection from a friend. She didn’t really grasp how amazing it was to not wait on the lines, getting seating for the parade and fire works and meeting all the princesses. But she certainly enjoyed it. The smile on her face. The happiness was overflowing and her innocence was restored. Though she was tired and Daddy carried her or she rode in her stroller she wasn’t a cancer kid there…she was just a little girl.

It wasn’t quite so easy for us though.

We watched the fireworks, Charlotte slept in my arms and after it started Jennifer slept in her

daddies. The song near the end talked about remembering the magic of christmas…I cried..a lot…I thought of the loss of that magic for my whole family..My heart lept out..as much as I try not to wish for her to be saved I couldn’t contain it. In that moment…the dark of night and lights in the sky…my heart begged for it. I guess it always does…just silently inside. But this time it was loud in me. I leaned into my husband and cried…silently sobbing into his shoulder.

Watching her get all princessed up in the boutique was bittersweet. But oh so worth it. She loved it. She felt like a real princess. She looked so grown up….And I silently hoped she was soaking it into her.  Living this moment for the proms she will miss and the wedding day we will never share.

I feel like I left a little piece of my heart in that salon…Constantly splintering…leaving tiny traces of me…of her….behind.

The first day we got to meet a few princesses in a meet and greet. One was sleeping beauty. Thats who Jennifer chose to “be” for her dolled up time the following day. Later that day we saw the same princess Aurora we had seen the previous day. She wanted to see her again so we waited in line and when she walked up she remembered her name…She called her Jennifer. And that was my Disney moment. The thing I want to always remember from the trip…The look on her face when she heard her name. And the look on the princesses face when I told her Jennifer chose Sleeping Beatuty after meeting her…I *think* it meant something to her as well.

Our girl can make a impact in just a moments time.

We buy a souvenir for our kids of the “disney moment” to help us remember the trip. This time I got one for myself…A Sleeping Beauty figurine. I put it up when we took down our Christmas decorations. I love it…

I am not much of a rides kinda person so Tony got to go with her on most of the rides. I will admit I got a bit jealous but I also loved watching the two of them together. He has truly been wrapped around her finger since the moment she was born. And she simply adores him. Daddy’s little girl all the way. The first day especially she struggled with standing. So he carried her. I know his arms must have burned but he never once complained…

One time though before they walked to a ride sticks out to me…She turned around to me, still holding her daddies hand and said with the hugest grin ” See you there Mom!” She was sparkling in pink and glitter and her eyes were shining with joy.

Somehow I was transported.

In that instant.

To her leaving me for good…

Thats how I want her to feel…Thats how I want it to be.

I did my best to absorb all of her in that 3 second long exchange…and said “Yes baby see you there”.

How does that even happen? How can a moment so quickly become so serious and life altering? This is new to me…a parent of a terminal child thing I guess…Wonder if it happens to Tony too?

None of this is doing justice to our trip. It was amazing. So full of happy and joy and memories. From the big to the simple. We had so much fun just being together. The hotel room in particular…we laughed a thousand laughs on this trip.

We are so thankful for all the the help to make it smooth and special and memorable.