I set up a get together with other local bereaved moms.. It was a great experience for me and I hope for them also. I was there with a table full of woman who all wish we didn’t have a seat.. We came to the table for different reasons.. sons and daughters.. cancer and accidents and a multitude of other medical causes .. we all took our seats at this table at different times.
I took my seat more recently than some.. but earlier than others. So I feel like I had a unique view.. one of what the future may hold.. and one of what my past did. And I realized I have been … well there really is no word for it.. Just like there is no word for a parent that has lost a child I think there is no word for a parent that is .. well that is experiencing the time passing from child loss.
So what does that look like. .
Well I guess it started and I didn’t know it. But I can look back and see it now.
The time is passed and I have continued to change..
I think the best example is working out. I went to CrossFit every day without fail. It started off going to the 4:30 afternoon class and then eventually I started going in at 8:30 in the morning. But now I go to the 5:30 AM class, or wake up before the kids and work out at home. I realized recently thinking about it how much time that frees up in my day .. getting it all done before my day used to even begin.
That means I am choosing to make my day longer. I am choosing to have more waking breathes each day. That is growth and that is change.. .
Because before, for those first two years without her one of the things I never realized I gained from going to class daily was time.
It was an hour and a half to two hours spent occupied and busy.
That much closer to the night to sleep, that much closer to one less day I have to spend without her.
One day closer to her again.
I still end each day with that feeling. That bittersweet satisfaction that I survived yet another one without her and that I am one day closer to her. But I guess the growth and change comes in not trying to fast forward through my life constantly.
I did that though. I tried so hard to fast forward.. to just get through and survive each day.. Those 2 years were stolen from me. From us.
It’s just another loss that comes along with losing a child. A big one. Years that I just held on through versus really experiencing. I realize that now as I’m looking around at home that was busy and full of kids and moments today..
I am trying to forgive myself for that. Trying to understand that this is progress.. And the needle is slowly moving forward. Not the way I thought it would be.. but its something. And its a good thing.. I can’t change the past.. and the truth is I can’t always even change the present.. But I can embrace the positive.
I can try to keep moving forward.. 2 steps forward… 1 or 2 or more steps back .. but forward..
Tonight I sit here and take a moment and grieve this loss as well. Of those 2 years that I survived .. sometimes just barely.. With babies still so young.. Years I struggle to remember.
But I am also grateful. Grateful that I had the opportunity to have a safe place to push through that time. And that I still have little ones to embrace this time with. I know not everybody has been gifted those things.
Here is the only way I can think to explain it.. It’s like when you stub your toe.. it hurts so bad at first, a constant throb. But then it starts to not be a constant, you still know its there but it doesn’t take up your entire mind. … And thats nice but all it takes is the slightest knock and it reopens. And you are back to a fresh wound.
Obviously there are times still .. some times a day .. sometimes a week maybe even longer that I feel that way again, but it’s not constant. My finger is not glued to the fast forward button ..
I hope those of you that have lost children or our suffering your own kind of grief I hope this gives you some hope for the future… Because things can … they will change. And you will survive. You might not always want to.. but you will. And one day you will look back and see your growth.
And suddenly you will realize you are doing more than just surviving.. you are starting to live again.
i told you i would try
i promised you i would take care of them
…until there is a cure..