September marks the start of pediatric cancer awareness month.. I feel like I should be writing all about it. The ways to be involved. To not JUST be sorry but to be active.. but I can’t.. because I am selfish… and I am fucking struggling.
Because the end of August and September seems to mark for me the hints of what’s to come. Soon it will be 3 years since her first symptom appeared.. then 3 years since her diagnosis.. Followed up with holiday after holiday, all now left to fight to survive and find the light again while under the shadow of Jennifer’s death. So many losses ..
isn’t is supposed to be getting easier.. but I know. I know and I dread..
I am heavy. I am full. I have been feeling like I am on the verge .. almost constantly. Sitting with my living loves, snuggled on the couch I weep. Softly and quietly into their hair. If they notice I just remind them I love them.. If that doesn’t appease them.. I tell them I am having a “sad sissy day” .. I get a hug or a kiss and what I need most. .. understanding. They have them too.. so they allow them. They accept them.. and me.
I just can’t believe this is my life.
So much has changed in the last few weeks. And every change is unnerving .. These changes seems to force my eyes to open to a truth.. a reality I just don’t want to face. It exhausts me.. but also seems to make sleep elusive.
Jonathan started first grade. .. Even though he has a sister born nearly 2 years before him this is a new experience for me. First grade. ..
i miss your voice. i watch videos and want to desperately make them not stop playing. i want to fall into the screen and back to you
Nicholas turned 5. And he is struggling again with Jonathan being at school. Asking everyday if its a short day for his brother. His favorite gift was Jonathan staying home from school on his birthday. Its the one thing he most sincerely wanted..
well.. probably the second huh?.. but I couldn’t give him you.
Bridgette turned one. No longer a baby. She is a lot of work, but worth every moment of it. I just wish I could absorb it more. This sacred time.. But my mind is broken.. It just can’t seem to hold onto new memories very well..
i think part of me still refuses to accept that you are gone
Early this morning I was feeding and rocking Bridgette in the dark. I couldn’t see her .. but she reached up and grabbed my hands and rubbed them. .. And her hands reminded me so much of Jennifer’s.. the way her fingers felt in mine.. long, thin and powerful.
I took a deep breath and just embraced the wave of emotion that followed. I rocked and cried. ..Missing one daughter and so grateful for the this one..
I think that one moment really encompasses it all for me right now. I am overwhelmed lately. With a deep and palpable sadness .. missing my daughter with my everything.. And simultaneously overwhelmed with a profound and powerful love for my surviving children..
i inhale for them
i always will.
you are still my exhale.
forever until its my last.
…until there is a cure..