branches of life

A few months ago we were looking into changing our insurance coverage.. Speaking with our advisor he introduced us to something called “human life value”. In simple terms .. “A way of deciding how much life insurance an individual may need. The person’s income, expenses, and years remaining in the workplace are considered”.

I thought there is a blog in that.. emotion to be explored.. over all that we lost. But  the thoughts just sat.. and waited..

Until they recently resurged at my sisters 50th birthday celebration. Watching a video of the years of her life .. the people she has known and loved. The incredible mother, friend and big sister she is.

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So much like my Jennifer.. . I watched as these pictures flashed and all the people that she has touched. The relationships she cultivated. And the lives she created. Her children are simply incredible people. They are all godparents to one of our children.. These people she raised change us.. they teach our children.

A persons impact on this world is not just the trunk of their tree.. its the branches and the leaves.. its the fruit that sustains others. 

My godson.. and her godfather..
My godson.. and her godfather..

I watched the video and was both in awe over the impact from one woman.. And I felt my own anguish at the loss of my little woman to be.. So much promise lost..

But its not just her.

Its not just all the years we lost. Really that’s just the surface of it all. . Just the most obvious portion. . Because see its so much more than just the child you lose with child loss.

Its years of memories. The ones that are left unmade .. but still so missed. The ones you can imagine with almost clarity.. enough to convince yourself if you close your eyes tight enough . .. maybe just maybe you can will it into being..

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First days of school and lasts.. Its fights and door slams.. Its prom dresses and college applications.. Its watching a show on the couch together and cheering from the sidelines of the field. Its year after year marked on the wall as they grow..

It’s an unending onslaught of hopes and wishes stolen. Not just once though.. its over and over again.

Its so many more people. .. that all vanish. People that I imagined from the first moment I held her in my arms..

The friendships. The other children I would have grown to love and know as I eavesdropped on their conversations through the door. And their parents too.. The friends I have made through my children are incredible.. How many of those did I also lose?

I grieve the man she would be walking down the aisle towards and away from us.

The baby she held in her arms for the first time … How many grandchildren that I will never know.

Its why when I say my family will never be whole I mean it to my depths.. It is so much more than my Jennifer. Its all the branches that came with her..

i miss you

so much baby.

and i miss all that was meant to be.

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..until there is a cure..



5 Responses to “branches of life”

  1. Always thinking of you and your family! Thank you for sharing your Jennifer with us and your honest journey. Prayers and love to you all!

  2. My son Ashley is 16 years and 6 weeks old today, the exact same age my son Ben was the day he died. Every step Ash now takes I will watch with joy, with love, but always with the ache, the longing, to have been able witness my beautiful Ben taking those steps also. You are so right and so poignant as always – I didn’t just lose Ben, I lost a whole other lifetime of people, of possibility, of love…

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