We are so broken. There really is no other word for it. We all just hurt incredibly .. each in our own way. We went to see Jennifer’s spot yesterday. The boys just wanted their alone moment there to give her the rock they painted. They got out.. one by one and spent a few minutes talking and looking at all the things there.. And then came to the car.
I always go last. It makes Jonathan mad.. He wants to go last. But I have told him too bad. I am the Mom and that’s a mom right.. and I secretly hope with all of my heart that the work we are doing ensures its a parental right my son never receives.
I came back to the car and got inside the drivers seat and Charlotte let loose. Screaming no and kicking her legs. I got back out to check on her. She just kept pointing. I asked if she wanted to say goodbye to sissy and she shook her head yes.. over and over again.I got her out and carried her over, then she touched the headstone.. wiped away a little dirt and we headed back to the car.. she whispered looking back over my shoulder.. sissy.
No no no no .. everything in me wanted to shout at her. That IS NOT your sissy. But that is what she knows. Her big sister.. an incredible teacher and leader.. To her she is a granite slab and flat pictures… its the face around my neck that she grabs and kisses and then brings to my lips to make me do the same.
She is the best friend she will never know.
But somehow she does. Somehow in her little one year old mind she needed to get out.. to have their moment too. I really can’t even imagine how all of this sorts itself out in her head. But I do know this is a lifelong thing with our kids. I know that at each ages milestones they will have new realizations and new questions.. and new understanding and new grief.
It must be so hard to be a child of loss.
I will forever hate that I couldn’t protect Jennifer.. but at least now I can know she is out of pain. But my other 3. My surviving 3 are destined to a life of pain and hurt I don’t quite understand but I see and I know is there.
I cheated Jennifer out of a lifetime but these still living children of mine.. them I have failed for a lifetime.
It’s a heavy burden. It’s a honest burden. I didn’t do anything to fight against childhood cancer until I had no other choice. Until I was told my baby was going to die.
I wonder if they will know. I wonder if one day .. they will forgive me. Maybe right before I go to Jennifer they will grab my hand and say its ok Mom we forgive you. Then I can go to her lightened and get to hear her say simply. “its ok mama.. its ok.” Then I will finally be free.
..oh what I wouldn’t give to be absolved from these unforgivable sins.
I just hurt so much. So deep. I cannot believe any of this is real. But it is. I am about to experience Feb 13th.. again. without her. And once thats happens there is nothing more left..
I am scared for that. I am scared for time to keep marching on and for our story not to matter anymore. Because this first year was the unknown.. Next year is just doing it all again. Just every other day we have lived without her.. over and over again.
And I miss her. All of her. Because I am so similar to Charlotte.. I cannot remember the real her anymore. The healthy her is just flat. It’s pictures and granite slab, it’s her face hung around my neck.
im so sorry baby
because you were more than your cancer
more than your dying
more than your death.
i am trying to get back
…until there is a cure..