The kids and I went to go see Jennifer today. I love having a place we can go when we all just really miss her a little extra. We talked about how its been almost one year since she moved to heaven.. We talked about how our bodies know things even if our minds don’t.
Jonathan explained an hour or so later.. that its because we love her so much. Even our bodies love her. .. miss her. As I stood in front of her headstone crying and talking to my forever 6 year old I watched my other 3 following each other around. Looking at other peoples spots, noticing who has new balloons or new flowers. They were enjoying themselves.. among headstones. It was a surreal image. One I could have never imagined for us a year ago.
but now it is just us.
I talked to Jennifer.. about where I would be buried when it was my time. *spoiler alert* I called dibs on being in the middle of Tony and Jennifer. How it feels like so long since I have seen her or touched her. And how much I am trying.. how much I miss her and how much I will never ever let the people that matter forget her.
Then later in the day driving it hit me. How vividly I remember this time last year. How so much of her time on hospice I can recall completely. That so much of that time I can go right back to without even trying.. even if I am trying not to actually.
But that it feels like forever since I have held a healthy her. That in someways a healthy Jennifer feels more like a figment of my imagination that reality. .. but a dying her. That truly feels like yesterday.
And I just don’t understand it. It doesn’t make any sense. Why the time of her suffering is so fresh.. and the rest so muted.. So distant.
I feel like I am just moving now. Back to everything tangible in this life I feel like I am watching it unfold instead of experiencing it. I don’t want to be around people very much. I am still going to the gym.. but that takes all of the social out of me. Its so much effort to smile and not cry. Except with my kids… they still bring me smiles and keep me buoyed. But those moments I am not with my kids.. In the car alone driving to the gym.. in the shower.. and the times they are all playing together. I just want to sink. . hard and fast into the dark abyss. Even if just for a moment.
Its hard right now. Hard to not resort back to shutting myself off from the whole outside world. I will put in a real effort each and every day for them though. Not because of her.. but this. This I do because of them. Because they deserve to see the sunshine even if I can’t feel it.
Yesterday I had one on one time with all 3 of my living children. It was the best part of my day. Those singular moments. When I was with just Charlotte she brought me an angel doll and called it sissy.
do you visit her baby?
showing her your wings?
i think so.
i hope so.
we need you jennifer.
all of us
in different ways.
we need you.
…until there is a cure..