I never knew.. never knew pain or despair like this before.
I never knew that there is no respite from losing your child. I never knew how hard it would be. I thought I did.. thought I could imagine. ..
I couldn’t.. I still can’t. Because I know I am still not at the bottom of it… not at a place I can start clawing my way back up. I still have further down to go.
Its always. Its constant. There is no relief. How is that even possible?
I got her name tattooed on my wrist the other day. On the drive home I called Tony to see if I could stop at the beach. Of course he said yes.. I needed that time.. To just miss her.. on the beach walking along the ocean. The sunset was incredible and I had music playing the whole time.. song after song full of meaning. I love the tattoo. I look at it constantly.
and I hate it.
I never knew I could feel such opposing emotions over one thing.
I find myself pulling away again. Being so hurt. Feeling so alone. Tears always at the ready. Her death changed everything.. everything. I am CEO of a organization I can’t believe there is a need for. That our government gives less than 4% of the cancer budget to save our kids.. that American Cancer Society gives only 1 cent of every dollar to our kids.
Kids are dying.. families are suffering.. Jennifer was shown in this article… I read it and I cried. Tears of overwhelming sadness.. of what I know these families are struggling with.. and I have to admit..
Of jealousy over the ones that are living when mine is not.
Why her? Why my Jennifer? This time last year we knew nothing about pediatric cancer.
I am so sorry baby girl.
Sorry I didn’t do something before it was you..
I just never knew.
…until there is a cure..