never knew

I never knew.. never knew pain or despair like this before.

I never knew that there is no respite from losing your child. I never knew how hard it would be. I thought I did.. thought I could imagine. ..

I couldn’t.. I still can’t. Because I know I am still not at the bottom of it… not at a place I can start clawing my way back up. I still have further down to go.

Its always. Its constant. There is no relief. How is that even possible?

I got her name tattooed on my wrist the other day. On the drive home I called Tony to see if I could stop at the beach. Of course he said yes.. I needed that time.. To just miss her.. on the beach walking along the ocean. The sunset was incredible and I had music playing the whole time.. song after song full of meaning. I love the tattoo.  I look at it constantly.

and I hate it.

I never knew I could feel such opposing emotions over one thing.

Jtattoo

I find myself pulling away again. Being so hurt. Feeling so alone. Tears always at the ready. Her death changed everything.. everything. I am CEO of a organization I can’t believe there is a need for. That our government gives less than 4% of the cancer budget to save our kids.. that American Cancer Society gives only 1 cent of every dollar to our kids.

Kids are dying.. families are suffering.. Jennifer was shown in this article… I read it and I cried. Tears of overwhelming sadness.. of what I know these families are struggling with.. and I have to admit..

bitter tears.

Of jealousy over the ones that are living when mine is not.

Why her? Why my Jennifer? This time last year we knew nothing about pediatric cancer.

I am so sorry baby girl.

Sorry I didn’t do something before it was you..

I just never knew.

close up

…until there is a cure..

24 Responses to “never knew”

  1. Seriously one of the most beautiful tattoos ever.
    You’ll ride to the bottom. We’ll be there for ya’… ready to help you claw out.

  2. The tattoo is beautiful.

    Still here, still praying, still flittering, still doing whatever I can to spread awareness and raise funds. I never knew either, until Jennifer, until you, and I am sorry.

  3. Such a beautiful tattoo. So sad that you need it. Proud to be one of the ones who know because of Jennifer. In disbelief at the price of the lesson. Praying for you xx

  4. Beautiful tattoo, funny I was thinking the same thing about getting a tattoo to show my support for Jennifer and that she will never be forgotten and always in my heart, I never take the wrist bands off so I thought wow a tattoo would be showing my support forever for Jennifer and your family. Never forgotten, always in my heart and prayers Jennifer Lynn and Kranz Family.

  5. Does Unravel have a team for the St. Jude’s Walk in SF on November 22nd? My husband and I want to participate, but weren’t sure if there was already a team in place to join. 🙂

  6. I never knew either, but now that I do I promise to make sure that others do too. For Jennifer and for all of the other children and families who are faced, or may be faced, with cancer. The tattoo is just beautiful. Love to you!

  7. I saw the most enormous dragonfly yesterday..fluttering around a light at my work that looked similar to the sun. I thought of Jennifer and said hello to her and thanked her for visiting. See, she is here in the thoughts and minds of strangers. Through your work and Jennifers work…good things are being done Libby. More people know. More are working to bring awareness, research, and the funds to do it…..the sparkle..Jennifers sparkle is spreading.

  8. Your new tattoo is absolutely beautiful. You shouldn’t fault yourself for not knowing…you are only one of millions of parents who thought, “It can’t happen to my child”. It is only natural to think that way, pretty much everyone is guilty of it. I am guilty of it. I now think differently because of Jennifer. She is the only reason that I think it can, and WILL affect my child, or another child that my family is close to. Jennifer’s story is opening parents’ eyes…mine included. I get so discouraged and flat out pissed off every time I share a picture of Jennifer or a cancer statistic on my FB feed, because most of the time, people that I know either don’t see, or worse yet, choose to ignore, the facts. It is something that people just want to push away because it is an ugly statistic that they want to sweep under the rug. Thanks to Jennifer’s story, I will NEVER again sweep cancer under the rug. We don’t have much money to donate, and we missed out on Fluttering, but we are looking for ways to Flitter, and spread the glitter…until there IS a cure!

  9. I am so so sorry. Your pain is palpable through what you so eloquently out on the page. My kids and I are fluttering here in Ohio and it is so encouraging to see people curious about the dragonflies, asking questions, learning, and becoming aware! I didn’t know either, until I happened to come across a post about one little boy here in Ohio. You are doing the same things for people through unravel, and you ARE raising awareness! I would bet that Jennifer is so proud of all you are doing. Such amazing work. I wish i could say something to ease your pain, but just know that there are so many of us out here wishing and hoping for the absolute best for all of you. Every day.

  10. I feel your heartache. Lucie died the day before Jennifer so what you write is basically what I’m feeling. My life is just a constant yearning for Lucie and a need to find a cure for this monster xx

    1. I am so sorry you are living in this nightmare as well. If there is anyway I can help.. please please let me know

  11. Love the tattoo! Is there anything I can do to help your organization (from Atlanta)? I am participating in the St Judes walk here in November. I am trying to get involved in any way/ways that I possibly can. Please let me know. Thanks!

  12. i adore the tattoo. i have been wanting to get a tattoo in honor of my late husband, don. he passed away 5/7/13 and i’m no where near climbing out of the hole. your writings are so familiar for me, like you are reading my mind and heart. they can be a salve at times. i thank you for that, yet so sorry. can you recommend the tattoo artist? know that so many are walking along side of you and your family.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *