Warrior mom. Warrior child. It’s a badge given to cancer families in this world I am slowly becoming accustomed to. It has always felt uncomfortable.. awkward for me… I wasn’t sure why. .
I just have always known Jennifer wasn’t a a warrior.
She was a barely 6 yr old girl who loved to hide from her Daddy when he came home from work and then jump out to surprise him…a little girl who snored like a grown man but always denied it was her. A brown eyed beauty who truly believed in the magic of a princess.
I don’t think any of our DIPG kids are warriors really.. .I think they are more like sitting ducks. Being picked off one by one.
I am angry.
I wrote awhile ago how it wasn’t a fair fight for her. And I realized this feeling is just an extension of that.. She never had a chance.. 400 kids a year are told they have this particular cancer. .. that cripples them slowly and so very cruelly. And their parents have to watch it happen. Grasping at straws.. at anything to try to save our babies.. get just a little bit more time.
I am so angry.
I didn’t have anything in this “battle” .. left to try to protect my daughter from this monster bare handed. .. I tried. I gave it everything I had.. like all parents before me did and after me will.. It chewed her up and spit her out.. leaving those of us left behind covered in misery and sorrow.. the depths of which are truly terrifying.
She wasn’t a warrior. She was just a little girl.
My little girl.
And she was stolen from me. .. from us. And I miss her so much it makes me angry.. Angrier than I have ever been in my whole life.
She was an amazing child that could take any moment and make it simply beautiful. Jennifer did that for me in her last hours. She gave the most gruesome time in my life a beauty like nothing else I have ever experienced.
Because of that.. because of who she was and who I think she would have been I will not quit .. I will not give up…
I have found my weapon. This keyboard is my sword.
My love for her..
.. the love from her.. the ultimate in shields.
I guess I am a warrior now..
It is an honor of sorts.. it truly is..
but I would give anything.. everything..
to just be