warrior

Warrior.

Warrior mom. Warrior child. It’s a badge given to cancer families in this world I am slowly becoming accustomed to. It has always felt uncomfortable.. awkward for me… I wasn’t sure why. .

I just have always known Jennifer wasn’t a a warrior.

She was a barely 6 yr old girl who loved to hide from her Daddy when he came home from work and then jump out to surprise him…a little girl who snored like a grown man but always denied it was her. A brown eyed beauty who truly believed in the magic of a princess. princess

 

I don’t think any of our DIPG kids are warriors really.. .I think they are more like sitting ducks. Being picked off one by one.

I am angry.

I wrote awhile ago how it wasn’t a fair fight for her. And I realized this feeling is just an extension of that.. She never had a chance.. 400 kids a year are told they have this particular cancer. ..  that cripples them slowly and so very cruelly. And their parents have to watch it happen. Grasping at straws.. at anything to try to save our babies.. get just a little bit more time.

She hated the way the steroids made her look and feel.
She hated the way the steroids made her look and feel.

I am so angry.

I didn’t have anything in this “battle” .. left to try to protect my daughter from this monster bare handed. .. I tried. I gave it everything I had.. like all parents before me did and after me will.. It chewed her up and spit her out.. leaving those of us left behind covered in misery and sorrow.. the depths of which are truly terrifying.

gfest

She wasn’t a warrior. She was just a little girl.

My little girl.

And she was stolen from me. .. from us. And I miss her so much it makes me angry.. Angrier than I have ever been in my whole life.

She was an amazing child that could take any moment and make it simply beautiful. Jennifer did that for me in her last hours. She gave the most gruesome time in my life a beauty like nothing else I have ever experienced.

Because of that.. because of who she was and who I think she would have been I will not quit .. I will not give up…

I have found my weapon. This keyboard is my sword.

My love for her..

.. the love from her.. the ultimate in shields.

I guess I am a warrior now..

It is an honor of sorts.. it truly is..

but I would give anything.. everything..

to just be

her mama.

drink

22 Responses to “warrior”

  1. I sit here in my car reading this entry with a huge lump in my throat. Trying my very best to hold back the tears so I won’t have makeup running down my face when I walk into work. I think you got it right Libby! Your talented way of expressing your emotions with written words….well, that IS your sword. And all of us, the ones you call your glitter squad, are also here holding up swords. Ready, willing and wanting to fight this evil battle with you….

    1. The fire has been lit from deep within my soul to stand as a warrior because of your emotional, educational and raw posts. Without you Libby, I would have continued with my daily routine, unaware of the how underfunded pediatric cancer research is! Because of you, I live with true passion for helping others and appreciating the life I have been blessed with every moment. I am ANGRY Jennifer wasn’t given a chance. I am ANGRY that you have had to suffer such a significant loss, one I cannot begin to fathom. I am HUMBLED to know you and am beyond excited to partner to with Melissa and others in waging WAR on this EVIL BATTLE! True story…. Crushed my right index finger in a car door Friday night, broken, bleeding and hurt like hell! I couldn’t cry, still haven’t. I have nothing to cry about in comparison to Jennifer’s battle, your loss, your PAIN. It was a reality check for me personally. Every day I strive to make a difference in this unfair world!

  2. Hugs Libby! Still here reading n praying for the Kranz family! She was an amazing child! And you have every right to be angry. Im here if you ever need anything big or small xoxo

  3. It makes me angry and sick to my stomach at the same time. Jennifer should be standing next to you in the picture….cancer is such a nasty unfair battle for anyone diagnosed. I pray for you all daily.

  4. Knowing your story has changed me. It’s just so damn unfair, that this happens to a child. I don’t believe in miracles anymore, but I do believe in the goodness of people and I believe that with the people who know your story,a cure will be found to save others. Much love to you and your family

  5. You are right…your words are your weapon, your keyboard is your sword…you have an amazing way with words. You have a way to draw people into your world and love Jennifer with a passion even though they have never met your family. I think you are destined to do great, wonderful things in the search for a cure for pediatric cancers. I say her name often to myself…Jennifer. The girl who WILL find a cure for cancer and save other children in the battle where she didn’t have a fighting chance to win. Jennifer, the sweetest angel in Heaven, the brightest star in the sky, is STILL fighting the battle against cancer. She couldn’t win her particular battle here on earth, but she WILL win the war! You are an amazing mother, Libby…God bless you and your family.

  6. You are still, and always will be, her momma. I understand what you mean, but you are parenting her in a different way now. I cry reading this, and know I only feel a fraction of your anger, but it pisses me off that they call it a “rare” cancer. I don’t think 400 kids a year is rare. Wield your sword. I still have a true belief that in our lifetimes we will see a huge difference in this fight. People like you, like the glitter squad, and like so many other bereaved parents are raising awareness. Social media and blogs help. There will be a change, and I also believe part of it will be because of your sweet princess Jennifer. ♡♡♡♡♡♡

  7. It is unfair and wrong and sad. just sad. i cry for you and Jennifer today the same way I did when I was first introduced to your story. i am so sorry. use us as your weapon too. i am doing my best to help you in this fight.

  8. Still reading- still angry, as you are. I wish this wasn’t reality… But you are doing above and beyond with the reality that has been given. Just lost a friend last Saturday night- he was 31, just finished his dream- in fact the grand opening of his shop is tomorrow- and now he’s gone- he has so much more to do… Just like Jennifer. The older I am getting, the more angry I am about people that were taken before their time. We will never know why either were taken- its just God’s plan. You are doing amazing things Libby! Look at the huge impact you made and will make in september with fluttering! A wonderful idea for an IMPERATIVE cause. We cannot lose any more children! Still so much love for all 6 of the Kranz family member!

  9. You are the Warrior Libby fighting for what’s right and for your beautiful Angel Jennifer and I am happy to say I will do what ever you need to help you in this fight. I’m proud to Be part of the Gittler Squad. Jennifer is in my heart forever. Big hugs to you and your family of 6

  10. I’m sorry you have been chosen for this job. My daughter was diagnosed on 9/30/13 and is slowing being taken away from us as you described. Its a nightmare for her and for all of us that love her. Your words and blog have helped me, helped me sort thru crazy thoughts in an impossible situation. Keep going, get it all out and maybe one day when I find strength I will join you and kick some cancer ass.

  11. I am sorry there is even a war for you to battle in, sorry you to have the need to be a warrior. I am glad you have claimed your weapon and I know you will kick ass with it.

  12. it’s SO unfair that she was taken from you. I think about her every day. The sword you have chosen is mighty. Your words have weight and value-people are taking notice and doing something, because of you and Jennifer. tears for you…and lots of prayers.

  13. It is the most unfair thing that Jennifer was taken from you and everyone who loved her. But I will stand with you and help you fight and one day,…..one day there WILL BE a cure. I’m in this battle with you for the long haul Libby! We will kick cancers ugly ass!

  14. Libby,
    You have so inspired so many of us by your blogging about yours and our dear Jennifer. Even though I had never met Jennifer, she will ALWAYS be very dear to me and held close to my heart.
    Prayers always for you and your family.
    Diane

  15. I had never thought of it that way before…that the idea of “fighting” cancer is so contrary to kids just being…well, kids. Jennifer shouldn’t have been pressed into service as a warrior; she was meant to laugh her head off and make her brothers and little sister laugh, too. And now you take up a reluctant sword. From the bottom of my heart and forever, I am sorry and, like you, angry.

  16. Shes fierce
    Shes beautiful
    Shes little
    Shes an inspiration
    Like all of you
    All your family
    6 of you
    Thanks 4 sharing your glittery girl With us
    Omg this is so unfair…
    We love you JLK

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