Tag: pediatric cancer awareness month

inhale and exhale

September marks the start of pediatric cancer awareness month.. I feel like I should be writing all about it. The ways to be involved. To not JUST be sorry but to be active.. but I can’t.. because I am selfish… and I am fucking struggling. Because the end of August and September seems to mark for me the hints of what’s to come. Soon it will be 3 years since her first symptom appeared.. then 3 years since her diagnosis.. Followed up with holiday after holiday, all now left to fight to survive and find the light again while under the shadow of Jennifer’s death. So many losses .. isn’t is supposed to be getting easier.. but I know. I know and I dread..  I am heavy. I am full. I have been feeling like I am on the verge .. almost constantly. Sitting with my living loves, snuggled on the[…]

difference

Are we making a difference? I ask myself that all the time. I dedicate so much of my life and myself to Unravel.. I can’t help but wonder if its really worth it. ..This week it was answered for me In a few unlikely ways.. There was a comment on the blog… one that I am sure is not isolated.. asking questions I am assume others may ask themselves about me.. about us. But it was my answer to that question that has helped me start to rise about the ashes I have been choking on lately. Putting into writing the good that I feel we are doing was empowering. Honestly the words just flowed from me.. the confidence in a such a unsettling time. . Thanks for your reply. I want to respond to a few things. Its actually not the inevitable since lots of people choose not to[…]

bury my daughter

Its been a hard day. Just lots of up and down moments. The little ones.. looking at costumes with Charlotte.. knowing how much she would have loved them if her big sister was around.. because Jennifer would have picked them out for her. Asking a friend for baby doll toy advice for Charlotte.. since I already am feeling like a unseasoned mom to a girl. Then the big ones. Calls from the hospital about bills we know are taken care of. Having .. or maybe its more like getting to say her name.. to say her birthdate and all of her information. I wonder if today was the last day I will be asked that? Followed quickly by a peek into my email to see that her headstone is finally completed. .. we just need to make a final payment and then decide when to put it in the ground.[…]

Love4jlk

I can’t believe its already September. I can’t believe a year ago I didn’t even know this month was pediatric cancer awareness month. Seriously I look back and it seems just unreal to me that I had no idea about the things that are so ingrained in me now I can’t imagine not knowing.. not living it.. or surviving it as the case may be. A year ago .. we were just a regular family of 6.. A year ago cancer was a word I rarely said.. now I say it multiple times everyday. I should count once how often I say it. A year ago I had no idea my time as her Mama was about to end.. Jennifer.. sweet baby girl of mine. Shhhhh… its fluttering time! Here is what it looked like in our home. The boys were so excited to come out from quiet time to[…]