Are we making a difference?
I ask myself that all the time. I dedicate so much of my life and myself to Unravel.. I can’t help but wonder if its really worth it. ..This week it was answered for me
In a few unlikely ways.. There was a comment on the blog… one that I am sure is not isolated.. asking questions I am assume others may ask themselves about me.. about us. But it was my answer to that question that has helped me start to rise about the ashes I have been choking on lately.
Putting into writing the good that I feel we are doing was empowering. Honestly the words just flowed from me.. the confidence in a such a unsettling time. .
Thanks for your reply. I want to respond to a few things. Its actually not the inevitable since lots of people choose not to bury for a multitude of reasons.We chose to wait because we wanted her headstone complete and it took time to decide what we wanted and then get it carved.
Strength is a funny thing.. for us we choose to allow our children see us hurt and struggle. Because from our darkest hours comes our greatest triumphs. Unfortunately because one of my children died I will never ever be the same.. some of that is for the worse and some is for the better, but the changes are something I will not hide. So when I look from his perspective he will see a mom that loves all of her children with all she has.. a mom that weeps terribly for the one she lost but stands up through my pain to throw a ball or build a puzzle. He sees a Dad who misses his daughter.. but even in his pain holds his wife and cries right along with her. Then gets down and builds legos because thats what his kids need from him in the next moment. He will learn from our example what it means to love and lose to win and to fail. He will see from us the kind of man we hope him to grow to be.
This is my way.. our way.. Its what works for us.. Certainly no handbook on it. And we have found a few professionals, that deal with grief in children and know our kids, who we talk about how we are grieving and allowing our children to grieve. We talk as a couple and with them to come up with a roadmap for unchartered territory.
The non-profit.. well thats not about her. Its about my 3 surviving kids and the the grandchildren I hope to have. We don’t raise awareness for pediatric cancer because it holds onto her.. we do it in the hopes of saving children.. and if god forbid its one of my own again I am openly selfish enough to hope we have made a impact and they will have a better shot at survival.
Please understand I blog and share because I am their mom during the day.. But at night I am all hers again.
It helped to allow myself to be strong in our choices.. I worry, I am always second guessing myself, but the truth is I think we are doing a really good job with ourselves, with Unravel and most importantly with each other and our children.
This was also highlighted for me yesterday. We were invited to a local high school to see what they were doing. The same high school my boys along with another preschool girl had fluttered. (well along with the help of her mom). We went on a weekend and hung fliers with facts and dragonflies to draw attention. A campaign we have named flittering.
We did student areas and teacher/admin areas. The kids had fun and we made some good memories. It was something they could do to feel like they were giving back and helping to unravel kids cancer. I thought maybe we would impact a few staff but truly didn’t put a lot of stock into it. The value to me was mostly personal.. the memories and giving my kids an outlet to “fight back”.
I was wrong
These teenagers picked up the ball thrown by a 5 yr old and some 3 yr olds and ran with it. I got a email that they were doing different things to help raise awareness. One of them was on Wednesday. They were selling ribbons .. gold for pediatric cancer and pink for my daughter.. for their sister. Walking up the kids right away noticed the giant ribbons that weren’t there when we went to flitter. They noticed a sign hanging from a second story walk way. They also noted the signs that they had carefully hung up on the doors and windows were still there..
Walking into the quad area both boys gripped me tightly. I think they were scared of getting swept away in a sea of high schoolers. We saw a arch of gold and pink balloons.. we saw groups of students donning pink and gold. I leaned over and asked if they saw. Asked if they noticed anything. They did.. my boys that love their sister noticed all the pink first.
But I noticed both. Colors for all of my kids. Pink for her.. her favorite color.. and gold for my survivors. Because we are entrenched in this battle against pediatric cancer for them… for their kids.. their friends and their cousins. Gold represents for me so much more than just kids with cancer.
Its all of us.. all of them. Our future and theirs.. its the ones that are yet to be diagnosed. Its the healthy ones too. .The ones that lost their sister or brother.. the ones that lost their friends.. and along with that, their innocence.
Gold a precious metal. Children our most precious resource.
We stood at the table my 3 golden hair loves and I , we watched student after student walk up and make a donation for 2 ribbons and go sign a huge ribbon poster surrounded by the facts .. get this.. the facts that SPOKE TO THEM. It wasn’t just ones we had on our site.
They were inspired to go.. and research and learn.. and then share.
All started from some preschoolers. The impact of which was not lost on my 5 yr old..he understood that it started with him .. some painters tape and pictures of dragonflies.. he understood how glitter can spread.. And most importantly he understood that he did it.. that he helped introduce these people to the female that he will compare all others to.
Are we making a difference?