Tag: nicholas

winning

Rarely do I type and erase.. but tonight I have been .. I’m not sure what exactly is holding me back.. I guess mostly fear of being judged.. or misunderstood. But as I start to think about the words that want to come.. I cry.. so I will share my truth. Sometimes its hard to accept the good being done for us… since it means the worst has happened to us. And I just don’t want it to be true. I shared on friday that Wes from Coast Range wore a Unravel / love 4 jlk shirt the first day of the CrossFit games. It meant a lot to me..At first it was mostly just excited and touched .. but then it hit me yesterday.. The why. The why of all of this .. because my daughter is dead. and I am so sad. I don’t want it.. I would[…]

Will it matter in a month?

Will it matter in a month? That’s it for me. That is the parenting question to end all questions. Last night Nicholas was being really disobedient. . He was warned. He lost 2 lesser valued objects. All that was left was his “friend” (his lovie .. his version of pinkie) and his pacifier. (that he gets for sleep and its WONDERFUL!) . I told him.. we told him.. he lost it for the night.. he could earn it back in the morning by starting to obey right then. He did. It was hard. I still regret the few times Jennifer lost pinkie.. I still feel so guilty she ever went to bed hurting and missing her best bear.. I can’t parent them from that place though.. I want to . I think about it. Taking it away made my stomach literally lurch. .. Would it matter in a month? ..yes.[…]

presents/presence

I woke.. just a few minutes before the birthday girl. Those moments alone were so necessary.  I went to her and wished her a happy birthday… I tried to steel myself for the onslaught of the day. We waited for the boys to wake up then we went together to see what we had decorated for her. She seemed to really like it.  We decided to wait on opening presents until Daddy came home.. and we headed to Monterey. I needed to get out of town.. to be near the water. I needed to make it a good day for them.. The drive allowed me the time to think.. and be in myself. Before we left we baked some gluten free cupcakes. Jonathan asked for gluten free and it felt right to me also. We walked on the beach and let balloons go for her.. messages to sissy… Jonathan’s main[…]

clap

Music moves me…music permeated today… this song is the theme song for the first half of today… 2 months come… and gone.. This morning was really hard for me. We drove to Monterey… to be near the ocean and eat breakfast at a little place we really enjoy. Last time we were there was about a year ago on our “baby moon” right before baby Charlotte was born. …she turned 11 months today. Next month she turns 1… I really thought Jennifer would be here for that. I honestly never expected her to not make it to May. At our breakfast spot they have live music. The guy today was amazing…I got his card..  The song choices blew my mind, I cried at the table.. a lot. The hardest I have ever cried in public. I think its hard for Tony to see me like that… openly vulnerable.. to know how[…]

normalcy

In the middle of the night 1 month ago… Last night was harder than today in most ways. I sobbed…body racking sobs. Going to bed I went to her room. I talked to her…and cried with her…But I decided to sleep in my own bed. Heavy sleep found me.. . Like my body just needed to be really really numbed by sleep. I am appreciative… . I woke up this morning to a quiet house. All my boys were gone (Tony camping and kids with my parents) …baby girl sleeping…and big girl..well we all know where she is. The empty house was a brilliant reminder of what I have to be thankful for.         I am glad I wasn’t alone though. Just me and Charlotte was perfect. She ate…I cried (kinda a theme for the earlier part of the day).  I just talked out loud.. . to[…]