Tag: nicholas

growing up with grief..

Grief has a place in our family.. at our table. Its kinda like a sibling to them.. One that grows and changes right along with them. Parenting a child through grief is something I never really imagined myself having to do. And most of the time I don’t feel well equipped to do it. Its much harder than I thought it would be. I am so grateful I am not alone in doing it though.. I feel so deeply for parents that lose their spouse and have to face this alone. .. Right now its Nicholas. His struggles are deep and loud and real. The disappointment he felt flipping through the most recent yearbook and realizing his sister wouldn’t be in it.. The look of settled in disappointment in his eyes. It was unnerving and unnatural to see that in a boy of his age. I ached for him. I[…]

so i lied

I try to be honest. Especially in this new life we have been handed.. But I am finding I have to lie sometimes. To the outside world and my kids. With a smile that covers up the falling apart happening inside at that exact moment.. The surprising hard moments are often times the worst ones. The ones I am not ready for or expecting.. When the school year started. I used to walk Jonathan in every day. We would wait during assembly and watch him walk to the classroom. .. But the weather got colder and he wanted to be dropped off so we transitioned to that. Yesterday Nicholas asked if we could go in again. And Jonathan liked the idea so we did. I hope they don’t ask again. Two lines behind him I saw these kids.. The ones that are all strangers to me… but I know their[…]

she was here

I have pulled away from blogging. I have lots of excuses and reasons for it… But I do miss it. The release it gives me.. But especially the connection it gives me to my daughter. jennifer I feel so distant from her right now. So much so I find myself wondering if she was real. If she was ever really here. .. I find myself averting my eyes from her picture. I feel so guilty for it. Like I am denying her.. How much she matters. For the first time yesterday when asked about my kids I didn’t make it obvious she was gone from us. I just answered that I actually had 5 kids and when they asked the ages I only said she was 6.. Nicholas looked up at me and put his hand on my leg. I wonder so much what he was thinking. I presented at[…]

did sissy die there?

I try to prepare.. especially for things I think will be hard for the kids. Not sure why.. I am pretty much always wrong. Jonathan had a kinder prep day today. I was worried about how hard it would be for him.. and me.. But he was nervous in the more typical jittery way. Being at Jennifer’s school didn’t seems to knock him the way I thought it might. He was bummed at first when he found out he wouldn’t be in her room.. But that was really all. No kids in uniforms.. lining up in a different spot and I guess just knowing it wasn’t a school day made it easier for me than I prepared for. ..until I got in the car. Nicholas. “Mom did sissy die there?” Like being slapped in the face. A sudden and harsh burn. So we talked. He asked who was there when[…]

balancing emotions

I started cleaning out her room. I think just getting out my fears and my emotions in the last blog readied me to do it. I had thought of it all.. balanced mine and Tonys dueling emotions. I haven’t cried like this is a long time. Day after day of intense crying. I think now I am just emptied.. drained. I can’t believe how hard it can be 16 months out. I know logically its nothing in a lifetime without her.. I know how unnatural it is to lose a child so I shouldn’t expect the grief to be anything remotely like what I have know before.. But still it surprises me how voracious.. how violent the grief can be. Broken blood vessels .. my shirt soaked down the front. And this time something new. My body so opposed to what it was taking in I threw up.. again and[…]

weather or not..

The weather this morning was perfection for me..  It eases me. Overcast, cold, cloudy, chilly, gray. But I feel like if I stand outside.. especially if I run then I can somehow find her again. I find myself yearning for this weather.. longing for it .. Because when its here I feel like I can take a really deep breath .. What a gift that is for me now. I leave for Seattle on Wednesday to help lend my voice to one of Dr. Olsens fundraisers. I am so looking forward to the weather! This weekend was quite different though.. and even though we did a bereavement program I found it hard to find her in the heat.. So ironic though.. she loves the heat and the sun. The program was pretty awesome for the boys. They each got to ride full size horses.. They looked so tiny, but they[…]

seasons

The weather is changing. … the time changed. All these things signaling a new time approaching is hard for me… because I both remember this time with her and because I know another season is coming.. another one without her. We have this amazing walking path right behind our house.. so many evenings I spent with Jennifer and Jonathan.. then Nicholas and then Charlotte, walking and talking and exploring on the levy path. Sometimes they were in the stroller and we tried to go far.. sometimes they walked and we seemed to barely move. But we always had fun .. and made memories.. Not so much of individual moments but more of the essence I wanted their childhood to imprint on their memories and mine. I want to still be able to do that with my surviving children. I still want that to be .. at least a piece of[…]

she has cancer

I miss seeing her in new ways.. I miss her little arms surprising me with hugs.. and the sweet way she would talk to her baby sister. All I have now is the pictures. Sometimes I drown in them. . Often after I write I look for the right pictures to fit in. It takes me a good deal of time to find them since I am always pretty sure what I am looking for.. and then I get lost.. In memories .. good and bad.. I look at the pictures in treatment. How beat down and tired she looked. I can see it so well now. Almost like the outline of death around her. At the time though I couldn’t tell. . somehow I was able to just see beyond the dark circles and just see my daughter. At first her eye was so jarring to me.. but at some[…]

aftermath of memory

Its amazing how one memory of her has completely rocked me .. not even a complete memory.. just the shape of one piece of her head . . I have been weepy ever since. Just constantly close to tears. . And they seem to come easily. Yesterday was just a much needed *almost* our family day. We all needed that time to be with just us. We all miss her.. in our own ways. Nicholas now insists on putting his shorts on backwards when he does them himself. .. He says thats how they are supposed to go. And since he is not a fan of chonies I cannot see how that is comfortable.JLK used to do the same with her shoes. Completely insistent that they go on the opposite foot. I was worried her feet were going to start growing incorrectly she did it so often and for so[…]

without a definition

Last night I went to see a very popular tv medium.. popular and from the looks of it insanely wealthy. I went with my sister and her friends and my bereaved mommy friend. We were up in the nose bleeds of a large amphitheater ($70.00)..so she came nowhere near us. But of course I couldn’t help but hope…If its true.. if this gift of hers is a reality then I am insanely jealous.. what I wouldn’t give to be able to communicate with my daughter again.. we talked about losing our kids.. about our families and how its changed everything … and about our daughters. Oh how I miss that girl of mine… and hers too. I think I get what people say to me now.. that they miss this girl nicknamed JLK that they never met. ..because I miss this girl that I never knew.. A blonde haired mini[…]

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